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Thread: My Bfís dadís cancer has turned him into an alcoholic and I donít know what to d

  1. #1
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    My Bfís dadís cancer has turned him into an alcoholic and I donít know what to d

    Hey,

    So I am in need of some serious help as I feel like Iím at a point of being forced into walking away from our 2.5 year relationship.

    My bf lost
    His mother when he was young and he has never really dealt with it. His dad was diagnosed with cancer 1 month after we started dating. So itís always been taking a toll.

    His dad life is now down to matter of weeks the doctors are saying, but my boyfriend lives abroad from his family so
    Itís hard for him to get home all of the time
    Because he also has a very demanding job.

    We both like to drink/ smoke weed and when we started dating we did a lot of partying and going out nearly every night to drink and party. Alcohol doesnít really agree with me and when Iíd get drunk st times I would let my insecurities get the better of me. I was even violent on occasions which Iím still ashamed of. I got some professional help and now I am on the way to a great career as an individual.

    My boyfriend has kept up the drinking and itís got progressively worse. Weíve had
    Lots of talks about it and he always says heís going to change. But it never happens. Heís also put in a lot of weight, and I donít feel like being intimate with him as much as I used to which I feel bad about. Iíve tried to convince him to workout with me or do it in his own way but he always makes excuses after a few days of doing so.

    He has a lot of outbursts when heís upset about his dad and itís really
    Hard for me to always be a rock. I feel like Iím collapsing because the situation with his dad and his mother is really
    Unfair.

    I feel like packing my bags and leaving at times but j canít turn my back on him when he is in such a mess. Heís not a bad
    Person but when he drinks
    He becomes verbally abusive.

    Also itís just as if he has zero motivation about anything and although I know he loves me I canít live with someone who doesnít do barely anything in our home and is constantly blaming his alcoholism on his dad.

    What should I do? Any advise would
    Be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks

  2. #2
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    He did not "turn" into an alcoholic. He was one already when you met. Honestly, I would pack my bags. But seriously, if you are smoking weed and going out drinking all the time - like attracts like. So now that you have a good career - quit all that nonsense to meet someone without all the nonsense.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You might point him in the right direction but you can't control what he does ultimately. As I've said before, we cannot always make excuses for another person's bad behaviour. They will have to work on that themselves and learn to make their own decisions. You may be enabling his drinking and bad decisions simply by offering to be supportive in the only way you know how but you're no good to anyone if you are hurt and downtrodden yourself. Take care of yourself and start making better decisions independently of what's going on around you.

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    He is an alcoholic . Always has been.

    The cancer and loss of his mom is no excuse to drink.

    You need to get out. This is really toxic and abusive.

    i lost my brother to cancer, and my dad to a neurodegenerative disorder, within the last 8 years. I never turned to a substance to get through things, nor was I abusive to loved ones.

    This is who he is.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    As already pointed out, he didn't become, you were both already there when you met. Like attracts like. The difference is that you woke up and stopped and are now on a different path in life while he continues on the original path to the gutter. What can you do? Unfortunately nothing. You can't make him stop or change unless he decides to for his own well being. Quite frankly, the more you nag for him to work out, be better the more you are likely to push him away from what you want.

    Some people simply have to hit rock bottom - lose their job, lose their relationships, find themselves in the gutter literally before they finally decide to get help and kick the addiction. However, many people never stop even then.

    Best thing you can do for him is pack your bags and leave and hope that it shocks him into action, but don't hold your breath about it. Sticking around is just enabling. I realize that right now with his dad's situation it's a very difficult time and perhaps not the best time to suddenly up and go, but at some point you will need to make that decision for both of your sakes.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    He is an alcoholic . Always has been.

    The cancer and loss of his mom is no excuse to drink.

    You need to get out. This is really toxic and abusive.

    i lost my brother to cancer, and my dad to a neurodegenerative disorder, within the last 8 years. I never turned to a substance to get through things, nor was I abusive to loved ones.

    This is who he is.
    I'm sorry to hear this, Holly. Stay strong. I also don't agree with substance abuse.

  8. #7
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    As was said, an addict has to decide for themselves that they WANT to get better and then they have to take the steps to getting there. It's a really difficult road that's terrible enough on its own, but with the whole situation with his father and demanding job on top of it... it's rough. This is assuming he actually is physically dependent on the alcohol and not just a mental crutch for him. I don't know how extensive his alcoholism actually is.

    But I feel your pain and his pain, Habba. I was addicted to Xanax when I was younger and getting over that addiction was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wouldn't wish the lows that brings to anyone. I also feel your side of it because my brother turned to alcohol and opiates when his son was diagnosed with Leukemia. Obviously not the best choice to fight the pain but people make really terrible mistakes when they feel like the universe just has it out for them. And some people are just genetically predisposed to addiction. It's a really unfortunate situation and you have my deepest sympathies regarding the whole situation.

    I believe this is one of those things you have to decide on your own. I don't believe that just because someone has turned to self-medicating that they should automatically be given up on. Staying with him is definitely the more difficult road though, and I think it comes down to how much you believe in him and your relationship together. Do you truly believe he'll want to get better? And do you truly believe that the your relationship and future together is worth the struggles that staying will entail? That is for you to decide.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm sorry to hear this, Holly. Stay strong. I also don't agree with substance abuse.

    Thank you, Rose. I still have my mother and I am grateful for that. :)

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    Originally Posted by LikeWater
    As was said, an addict has to decide for themselves that they WANT to get better and then they have to take the steps to getting there. It's a really difficult road that's terrible enough on its own, but with the whole situation with his father and demanding job on top of it... it's rough. This is assuming he actually is physically dependent on the alcohol and not just a mental crutch for him. I don't know how extensive his alcoholism actually is.

    But I feel your pain and his pain, Habba. I was addicted to Xanax when I was younger and getting over that addiction was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wouldn't wish the lows that brings to anyone. I also feel your side of it because my brother turned to alcohol and opiates when his son was diagnosed with Leukemia. Obviously not the best choice to fight the pain but people make really terrible mistakes when they feel like the universe just has it out for them. And some people are just genetically predisposed to addiction. It's a really unfortunate situation and you have my deepest sympathies regarding the whole situation.

    I believe this is one of those things you have to decide on your own. I don't believe that just because someone has turned to self-medicating that they should automatically be given up on. Staying with him is definitely the more difficult road though, and I think it comes down to how much you believe in him and your relationship together. Do you truly believe he'll want to get better? And do you truly believe that the your relationship and future together is worth the struggles that staying will entail? That is for you to decide.
    Thanks for your advise. It really
    Helped me. Iíve decided that we go
    On a break to see if some space will help for him to think things through. If not then I have no choice but to end things

  11. #10
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Habba712
    Thanks for your advise. It really
    Helped me. Iíve decided that we go
    On a break to see if some space will help for him to think things through. If not then I have no choice but to end things
    You're welcome. That sounds like a solid course of action and no matter what happens, I hope you both find peace.

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