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Thread: Is my relationship abusive, and how do I make the relationship better?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    1. At the beginning, I was not an easy person to be with. I was depressed and immature. I think I was overly dismissive of her opinions/feelings about the relationship. I often insisted I was right, and that she should deal with it/get over it. I think in part this is why she is so difficult to speak to nowadays, despite me having vastly changed as a person.

    2. I broke her trust early on into the relationship. I had an emotional tryst with another woman. Nothing physical happened between us, but that still obviously doesnít make things right. This trust has never really returned.
    So you were pretty much a ****ty boyfriend at the beginning of things and she accepted you for it. I say time and time again, but like attracts like. Perhaps not so much in a reflective sense, but in the sense messed up folks generally land with messed up folks. There aren't any completely healthy people out of altruism taking in emotional cheaters who allow their mental health issues to impact the relationship. You're either going to get your white knights or someone who needs to verbally and emotionally bully someone and who settles for anyone who offers them the excuse.

    I'm guessing either you're young, have learned from the experience and gotten better, now failing to reconcile with the option of leaving due to your past sins with her, or you two are simply cycling. Absent situations I really feel like someone is in danger, I really hesitate to fixate on isolating the "abusive" aspect. If the verbal badgering is really so one-sided, it may be emotionally abusive. I don't at all like her charging and posturing, and her going as far as to push you after you'd retreated. Certainly skirting the line if not crossing it. But regardless, what are you hoping to do with that? You gonna sling her way that she's being abusive? She wouldn't care and would likely rebuff the claim. Is it going to be your excuse to leave? Why should you need that excuse? You're in a crappy relationship, buddy. She doesn't want counseling. and you two can't communicate without it. Toxic, abusive, incompatible, puts the toilet paper roll up over instead of under, you name it. Any of it counts. Leave if you want to leave. If she starts retaliating once you're out, it's better to deal with it sooner than inevitably later.

  2. 05-10-2019, 09:22 AM
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  3. #12
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    To put it simply, I think that if you have to write a post this long consisting almost entirely of problems in your relationship, it's probably a sign that things just aren't working out. I don't think she's abusive, but definitely controlling and a complete lack of trust in you. And it doesn't appear like it's going to get better. Sure, you definitely didn't help things with your behavior in the beginning, but this seems like a fire that was always going to burn. You just provided the fuel and the spark.

    A relationship cannot work without trust. Period. And I just don't believe she's working on trying to get over the mistakes you've made in the past, but instead is more interested in using it as leverage so you continue to fall perfectly in line with only what she wants. You can't be yourself and have a happy, healthy relationship this way.

    I would strongly consider giving up on this one. You've matured, you've learned a lot, and I think you both would be much happier 2 years from now without each other than with.

  4. #13
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    It is time you realize that she will never forgive you and will keep punishing you for your mistakes in your relationship early on.

    Honestly your dynamic is very toxic and not at all normal in what a relationship is supposed to be. If it's only gotten worse in 7 years, what makes you think it can improve? Try counselling by all means, only good things can come from that but in my opinion you two are incompatible and have damaged each other to the point of no return.

    Do yourself a favor and consider leaving this situation

  5. #14
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    This is not working. You are not compatible. Do not waste another 7 years. This is toxic.

    I don't understand why you two have stayed in this dynamic.

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  7. #15
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    The reason she is argumentative and difficult is because she has trust issues due to you cheating. Love is tied directly to trust - since her trust level is down, so is her love level. And when she is trying to be a partner, she gets cranky because there's not enough love for the work involved.

    She's got trust issues (You cheated) and probably needs counseling to address those issues............after 7 years, obviously it's not going to fix itself. Sometimes trust and love can be rebuilt, sometimes it can't. You would have to see.

    People, don't ever cheat if you want to keep your relationship. It's not a guarantee, but there is a high chance you'll kill your relationship if you do.

  8. #16
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    I think I would call this abusive yes. She has slapped you, called you names and monitors and controls you. I think it will get worse if you stay and will turn into a very nasty situation. At the very least, the 'lack of basic decency and respect' that you mention, should be enough for you to realize this relationship is absolutely toxic and not loving in any way.

    The way you behaved at the beginning of the relationship didn't cause this. This is who she is.

    However like J.man said, like attracts like. I think its time for you to dig deep about your self worth, maturity and your own history of relationships. To do that you'll have to step well away from this one.

  9. #17
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    Originally Posted by charity
    I think I would call this abusive yes. She has slapped you, called you names and monitors and controls you. I think it will get worse if you stay and will turn into a very nasty situation. At the very least, the 'lack of basic decency and respect' that you mention, should be enough for you to realize this relationship is absolutely toxic and not loving in any way.

    The way you behaved at the beginning of the relationship didn't cause this. This is who she is.
    .
    ^^^ AGREED!!!! It doesn't matter if you made mistakes in the beginning.
    She could either forgive you and move on or not forgive you and break up. BUT- she opted for the unhealthiest option- pretend to forgive you but really didn't and now feels entitled to treat you horribly because of "that time when"- this is not healthy and not a recipe for a successful marriage.
    Everyone always has "their side of the story", it still never gives someone the right to physically hurt or threaten to physically hurt their partner.
    That is abusive. Controlling behavior, including monitoring your partner, is abusive. Trying in invalidate your feelings is abusive, threatening to leave every time you fight is abusive. I could go on.........

    During your marriage, you will have PLENTY of times when one each of you will "screw up" in big ways and small. You HAVE to be able to forgive each other and move forwards or your marriage will never last.

    You may LOVE her and want things to work, but please understand YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE and they will NOT change just because you want them to. Look, relationships are either healthy or not, you can't wish "health" into it- it's either there or it isn't. A lot of people run around in total denial " Our relationship would be fine IF ONLY he/she did THIS", but THIS never comes and people wait around aimlessly for something that will never happen to happen.

    Loving someone is NOT the same as being able to live with them. It's really up to you if you want to be treated this way for the rest of your life.
    IMVHO, I would NOT marry this woman if I were you. Issues that are a problem before marriage, only amplify 1000% after. If you think it's bad now, just wait until she "has you". Good luck.

  10. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If someone stays on after infidelity and agrees to work together moving forward, they can't use it as bat to beat you over the head with 7 years later. It makes no sense and this is what you end up with.
    So, what do you do now?

    I find it interesting that she agreed to counseling but you yet say you are now waiting for a green light of some kind? What exactly would that would that look like and why haven't you called for a therapist appointment?
    It appears you are both guilty of posturing and no ones actively trying to make this better

    Personally, I would make an appt, inform her of the time and place and go with or with out her.
    At least this will make something move forward, a new understand or an end to a toxic relationship.
    In the meantime you two continue spiraling at the mouth of a drain and not really going anywhere.

    Do something. Anything.

  11. #19
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    If someone stays on after infidelity and agrees to work together moving forward, they can't use it as bat to beat you over the head with 7 years later. It makes no sense and this is what you end up with.
    So, what do you do now?

    I find it interesting that she agreed to counseling but you yet say you are now waiting for a green light of some kind? What exactly would that would that look like and why haven't you called for a therapist appointment?
    It appears you are both guilty of posturing and no ones actively trying to make this better

    Personally, I would make an appt, inform her of the time and place and go with or with out her.
    At least this will make something move forward, a new understand or an end to a toxic relationship.
    In the meantime you two continue spiraling at the mouth of a drain and not really going anywhere.
    Thank you! I agree with everything but with emphasis to the statement in bold. It doesn't matter how much of a jerk or cheater the OP was, she can't accept to stay with him, forgive and work together on the relationship and punish him for 7 years and excuse her abuse with something he's done 7 years ago and that she accepted to accept and stay with him. Toxic communication and physical and verbal abuse can't be excused by the actions of the person receiving that kind of abuse. And yes, I don't know why you have to wait for something more to schedule a counselor/therapist if you really want to try to put an end to the toxicity in your relationship.

  12. #20
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Thank you! I agree with everything but with emphasis to the statement in bold. It doesn't matter how much of a jerk or cheater the OP was, she can't accept to stay with him, forgive and work together on the relationship and punish him for 7 years and excuse her abuse with something he's done 7 years ago and that she accepted to accept and stay with him. Toxic communication and physical and verbal abuse can't be excused by the actions of the person receiving that kind of abuse. And yes, I don't know why you have to wait for something more to schedule a counselor/therapist if you really want to try to put an end to the toxicity in your relationship.
    It actually does matter very much that he was a jerk and a cheater because now sheís a jerk and passive aggressive. Itís not chicken or egg we know what came first.

    Something about this dynamic works for you or you wouldnít have spent 7 years doing it. Ita a very hard reality people in toxic relationships, victim or perpetrator, must face. We donít keep doing this we arenít benefiting from. Even if itís a toxic need to be punished for perceived wrong doing...

    I agree with others sh*t or get off the pot...this has gone on long enough... if you arenít willing to make an actual move towards fixing this, own that. Either way, no more labels.

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