The mother of my boyfriends children is causing issues.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months, he has a 3 year old and a 4 month old(only found out it was his while we were dating) with his ex girlfriend. They had originally broken up because she was cheating on him and said she was pregnant and it wasn’t his. They currently had mediation for custody and she refused to compromise so they are going to court. She has since been trying to make life very difficult for him.

He does construction and relies on the weather for some jobs, recently due to rain he has fallen behind on his jobs which led to him paying the daycare late. She has been messaging him constantly saying that she can’t wait for him to die etc.

I have yet to meet her however this morning I woke up to several messages from her on Instagram saying that he’s cheating on me with her, that he uses girls for money that he’s a deadbeat. Then sends a picture of them in bed, which I can see by his haircut was before we met. She sent me screenshots of messages he’s sent her which can easily be taken out of context.

I have no desire to respond to her. But I’m not really sure how to proceed.

Why would you sign up for this mess? You have only been dating this guy for a coupe of months. Cut your losses and find someone in a more stable situation.

Does your boyfriend know she's messaging you privately and sending these types of messages? As busy as he is, he should be managing that relationship with his ex a bit more reliably along with his other commitments like being a dad, working, creating safe and harmonious boundaries having met someone new (you) etc. Their relationship is volatile with a young baby so if you're going to stick around, be prepared for more difficult times. It's a very busy time for them. You can either stay and help out (you are most likely required to be the 'rock' in the relationship) or you can take your leave. You are free to go. It's your choice how you wish to live your life.

Take what she tells you with a grain of salt, but keep in mind that she knows him a lot longer and a lot better than you do. The best way to proceed is to realize your bf brought this mess upon himself and the smartest thing to do is cut your losses.

this morning I woke up to several messages from her on Instagram saying that he’s cheating on me with her, that he uses girls for money that he’s a deadbeat

“He does construction and relies on the weather for some jobs, recently due to rain he has fallen behind on his jobs which led to him paying the daycare late“

 

And he is well aware that his income isn’t regular because it’s weather dependant , so what is he doing to save for that buffer money while earning plenty to cover the low income times?

His children , his responsibility.

His child allowance is supposed to be a regular payment , the mother of his children includes that in her budget.

Why should she have to include potential non payment from him in her budget. ??

 

He certainly doesn’t sound like his children are a high priority to him to allow his funds get so low that he can’t provide for them.

 

Unfortunately for his ex , she is tied to him for 18 years.

You barely know him and can walk away.

 

As for her messages to you , well she is a single mum with a very young child.

She possibly is just being vengeful but she is likely frustrated at his irresponsible self.

 

Do you really want to date this guy? And why?

If your boyfriend is smart, he will not react at all to these messages and reply in an amicable manner.

 

He needs to keep these messages and also the ones sent to you and use this as evidence for court.

 

Her messages clearly indicate that she’s mentally unstable and shouldn’t be the primary carer of his children. With a good lawyer on his side he can ensure his ex gets the help she needs, before she damages their children any further..... put your issues aside and help him save his children, that’s all that matters in this situation.

If your boyfriend is smart, he will not react at all to these messages and reply in an amicable manner.

 

He needs to keep these messages and also the ones sent to you and use this as evidence for court.

 

Her messages clearly indicate that she’s mentally unstable and shouldn’t be the primary carer of his children. With a good lawyer on his side he can ensure his ex gets the help she needs, before she damages their children any further..... put your issues aside and help him save his children, that’s all that matters in this situation.

 

Do you think he should be primary carer since he can’t meet standard payments to provide for his children?

I’m not condoning her actions at all but if she is struggling to feed the kids for example and dependant on a fair and agreed contribution from him for his kids then yes she might lash out and want him to stop spending money elsewhere before his kids. Not the most proper way to go about it but I’d love to hear the OP’s opinion on this?

The guy hasn't yet stabilized his life beyond his breakup, so he's not even dating material at this time. You're positioning yourself badly, right in the middle of his mess, and that's rebound territory.

 

I'd tell him that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future, so that's why I'm walking away to preserve that potential. He gets to work out his old business and resolve it to the degree that his ex no longer feels compelled to contact ME. In a few months, after he's got his past handled and is stabilized, he can reach out to let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish him the best.

 

If you'd prefer to hunker down and stay involved in BF's chaos, you're choosing to anchor yourself into it and will be associated with this messy time in his life. Chances are, you'll also get a speech someday about what a great person you are, but the guy really should have taken more time to be single and 'find himself'.

 

That's the rebound effect of trying to hold onto someone who isn't relationship material. You get to be the bandage to his wounds that absorbs all the toxins and helps him to heal. But then, what happens to bandages after the healing occurs?

 

Head high, and be smart.

I dated someone for 3 years going through a mess like this. Ultimately, his inability to form boundaries with her is what made me end it. And it took me a very long time to move on and learn to trust again. So I truly understand where you're coming from.

 

Why are you settling for this mess? You know that as long as she is in the picture, you will be putting up with this. Do yourself a favor and back out now before more feelings are hurt. If you and he are meant to find each other again, only let it happen when all the legalities are in place and you don't have to deal with her.

Unfortunately, he can't just roll up to her house and give a right hook every time she inappropriately messages you. She's an autonomous human being and beyond asking her to stop, there's not a whole lot he can do to "establish boundaries." I don't get why you don't block her on instagram.

 

Regardless, it appears he stuck his penis in a rightly or wrongly very vindictive and retributive woman. He has a kid with her, so it limits his options into cutting her out of his life for his part. He's gonna have to demonstrate himself enough of a catch for any decent woman to deem it worth it to assert their own boundaries with his ex (blocking her, for example). It doesn't have to be a character judgment to simply point out that right now, he's not really worth it. He's got a million and one things to sort out before entertaining the idea of balancing a romance on top of it.

The both of you should block all forms of communication from this woman except for a way to speak about the kids. A phone call is efficient. Texting, messaging, social media, etc should be discontinued.. She can be completely blocked so you won't have to deal with those issues.

 

Let the courts and the lawyers handle the rest. Get the custody arrangements finalized and stick to them.

 

If you want to stick around, you should also help him work to form a budget and a "rainy day fund" so to speak, which is actually very accurate terminology in this case since that is it's purpose.

 

If she can prove he isn't making payments, he could lose all custody and rights to see his children.

 

 

 

I also agree that you are indeed at risk of being just a rebound, but I'd be lying to say I haven't ever seen it work out. As stated, you will have to be the rock for quite some time.

You've invested a mere 60 days with him. It's infatuation but not love. With him, your life is stressful with an ex harassing you. He will be paying child support for 2 children. If you go on vacation, it will be with your funds only, if you can even afford paying for two. Same with nice dinners and carefree weekend getaways. Life is expensive, and in this scenario, no savings for broken down cars, appliances, retirement savings.

 

What you see is what you get. Accept the present at face value and don't have some fantasy things will improve. To hope for better days is a fool's game.

 

Did you know that there are other guys out there who you can share chemistry with, and lack the major problems this guy is experiencing? He is where he is because of the life decisions he made. He might've missed red flags about his ex. He had unprotected sex. Who knows what else.

 

Chemistry takes no brains. It's biological. For your own good, you also have to choose a longterm partner by considering his traits, and that takes a lot of thought. What are your must-haves and dealbreakers? Certainly this guy doesn't meet your standards. Don't let having a crush on someone new be so exciting as to cloud your decision-making skills. Get out now while it's easy to do so.

The title for this post should be changed from:

 

"The Mother of my boyfriend's children is causing issues"

 

to:

 

"My boyfriend is allowing his ex to cause issues"

This is why I have a rule to never date someone that has this kind of baggage. When you are being harassed, and pulled into their fights/disputes, see financial issues, etc......it's time to get out of the relationship. A couple of months or even a year it is not worth it. He shouldn't be trying to have a relationship with anyone until he gets this mess cleaned up.

How does he feed himself and pay rent when he is out of work? I am certain he does not sacrifice for himself. He can be doing everything he can to support his kids, and that would be by finding a more stable job.

 

Do you pay for him?

 

Find a better guy with less baggage!

Ah, the old stalker ex! Well, he's going to be tied to his ex for 18 years because of the kids. Nothing you can do about it really, except live with it or leave.

 

Stalker ex's can be deal breakers.

Ah, the old stalker ex! Well, he's going to be tied to his ex for 18 years because of the kids. Nothing you can do about it really, except live with it or leave.

 

Stalker ex's can be deal breakers.

Yup. Don't stick your d*ck in crazy, or don't let crazy stick it in. Not certain what year many here think it is where guy can threaten to send the ex to the moon and that's that. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. Not sure why she's so vindictive. Not sure why she's asking for childcare money and not child support. Regardless, she's free to stir up whatever trouble she wants to on instagram. Simple solution seems like a nice and healthy block to me, but to each their own.

 

In any case, it is baggage, and it's baggage he won't be able to discard. She's her own woman, and being an ***hole isn't illegal. You'd be plenty justified in deciding this isn't the life for you.

Maybe it's just that lesson everyone needs to learn once in their lifetime.

 

If the OP gets fed up, she can take this lesson with her and realize a man fresh out of relationship that's still tied to the drama and hostile messiness that comes with coming undone, she might think twice next time and cross the street.

 

For the most part, this stuff doesn't go away quietly but continues for years to come.

 

Been there, done different versions of this.

Now I know better.

Hostile ex in the picture = a very unavailable man

 

*As long as someone is still angry, there are emotions involved. After all, if you no longer have feelings, or an attachment to someone, it's not even on your radar to be angry with them - because it doesn't matter anymore.

 

So let that be your red flag. If you consider dating anyone that either has hostility or is on the receiving end of it. . they are still attached to each other in some way. Agreeing to getting involved is agreeing to part of a triangle.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months, he has a 3 year old and a 4 month old(only found out it was his while we were dating) with his ex girlfriend. They had originally broken up because she was cheating on him and said she was pregnant and it wasn’t his. They currently had mediation for custody and she refused to compromise so they are going to court. She has since been trying to make life very difficult for him.

He does construction and relies on the weather for some jobs, recently due to rain he has fallen behind on his jobs which led to him paying the daycare late. She has been messaging him constantly saying that she can’t wait for him to die etc.

I have yet to meet her however this morning I woke up to several messages from her on Instagram saying that he’s cheating on me with her, that he uses girls for money that he’s a deadbeat. Then sends a picture of them in bed, which I can see by his haircut was before we met. She sent me screenshots of messages he’s sent her which can easily be taken out of context.

I have no desire to respond to her. But I’m not really sure how to proceed.

By breaking up with this guy and all his drama. Surely you love yourself more than getting in the middle of custody battles and cra cra ex's?