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Is this wrong ?


irka000

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I am with my partner for over 6 months ,both in 40ies.

We had our bumps but since about 2 months things couldn't be any better.

We spending almost every full weekend together and talk during the week.

We usually plan weekends a bit ahead. By Thursday we know what we are going to do.

Not this time. I asked him if we meeting and he said yes ,sure we do. He suggested I come after work on Friday and wait for him on Saturday to finish work. ( Once in blue moon he works Saturday mornings).

I than playfully suggested to make him dinner when he is back and maybe even open door for him not fully dressed ( sorry if too much info)

He said this sounds amazing.

We agreed to talk about it later and decide it.

A few hours later he calls and asks if I could come on Saturday instead as he has at work team meeting and will probably go for some beers later.

 

I said " no worries"

But after I got off the phone I realised that my idea was no longer amazing....cause beers with work colleagues sounded better....

 

I feel hurt....we didn't have solid plans but we spoke about it....and than he forgot all about it?

 

Some say to pick your battles...so not sure of I should mention this especially I was fine with it when he asked if I was ok with it.....

I was ....

Otherwise this relationship is honestly fantastic....

What are your thoughts, please?

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I can understand why you're a little hurt, but I'd advise you to not take it too personally this time. Everyone needs to socialize outside of their relationship. If it becomes a pattern where the two of you discuss plans and then he changes them last minute, I would say it warrants a conversation, but making a big deal out of it on the first occasion is just going to result in real problems. I think it was considerate that he let you know ahead of time and that he was honest with you about what he wanted to do. Enjoy spending time with him on Saturday and don't act passive aggressively.

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You said this in March:

"And I said to him I am done here ...so this is over .I won't contact him again."

 

This was after he gave you lame excuses why he didn't respond to your calls and messages and after he cancelled plans with you.

 

So what made you decide to go back to him?

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"We spending almost every full weekend together and talk during the week.

We usually plan weekends a bit ahead. By Thursday we know what we are going to do.

Not this time. I asked him if we meeting"

 

With you mentioning "we" most of the time, it's hard to know if it's you making all of the effort in the relationship. Do you ever sit back and see if he's initiates contact first and if he initiates an invite first? I don't know, because you don't say. You were the one who asked to meet this time on the weekend. If you're not giving him a chance to reciprocate, it's best to do that to gauge his continued interest. If he's not as interested as you, he might let the relationship fade away or he might start cancelling if he's too cowardly to break up.

 

Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a bf? Were the bumps due to you being too clingy or contacting him too much? We don't know enough about your relationship to decipher if he has a pattern of behavior that you should be worried about or not.

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I asked him about this weekend plans perhaps for the 3rd time in total....he initiated most of the time. Since two months this is natural and we don't calculate who is saying what ...we just plan together. No,I am not clingy and never was. We don't live in each other pockets ..

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I'd simply pull back and become less available. Meet him on Saturday and cut it short. Or just let him know something's come up on Saturday and you'd love to do something the following weekend if you're both free (touch base again on Thurs next week to confirm). Do something else with your friends and enjoy time with your family.

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Work = paycheck and responsibilities including a good rapport with coworkers. Relax and plan something nice for Saturday. Do not act joined at the hip so much that he's "not allowed" to go out with coworkers without you having insecurity meltdowns.

 

Go out with your own friends Fri. Do not depend on him this much for your entire social life. At 6 mos, be careful not to smother and over saturate things. Maintain your autonomy and room to breathe.

he has at work team meeting and will probably go for some beers later.
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You spend every weekend in full with him?

When do you see your friends and workmates socially?

 

I think you need to start planning your own social engagements on weekends so you don’t fall into this expectation that you will do everything together on weekends. That’s not very healthy.

I mean were you actually ok with waiting at his Saturday like a puppy for him to come home?

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You said this in March:

"And I said to him I am done here ...so this is over .I won't contact him again."

 

This was after he gave you lame excuses why he didn't respond to your calls and messages and after he cancelled plans with you.

 

So what made you decide to go back to him?

 

Still wondering about this.

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Some say to pick your battles...so not sure of I should mention this especially I was fine with it when he asked if I was ok with it.....

 

I would not mention it. You already said you don't mind, so what would be the point in bringing it up after the fact, just to make him feel lousy?

 

The real world must always penetrate any fantasy bubbles we form around a lover. This includes allowing for any lover who is healthy to choose development of other areas of life beyond us. Trying to squelch that by questioning is manipulative, and rather than bonding you closer, you'll risk coming off as needy and not having enough going on in your own life to focus on.

 

Head high, and enjoy your time with him--then develop aspects of your own life to avoid feeling bad when he chooses to tend to his.

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It's not that he doesn't think your idea isn't amazing and please try not to give everything in life such a negative twist because all you are doing is making yourself miserable. It's very simply that healthy normal people need time to themselves, time for friends, time to deal with extra work and co-workers, time for hobbies, time for chores around the house, etc. You cannot fall into a rigid routine where every single weekend is consumed with spending time with each other. Not only will it kill your relationship as things will become stale and start to feel like an obligation instead of fun, but it will diminish your overall lives and friendships. It's just not healthy. You should both have enough going on that spending some weekends apart is refreshing and not cause for hurt feelings or resentments.

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Thank you All for responding.

I certainly have to make plans for my weekends as well. So far it was 3 weekends together and one apart it worked well. I have no issues spending time away from him.

It was more of him choosing work colleague that he sees more often than myself. I thought my offer was welcomed but it appeared that only if other people won't propose other things.

Maybe he felt comfortable enough with me to simply wanted to go for a beer with work colleagues. He was honest about it.

I must admit I feel less enthusiastic seeing him tomorrow.

Hope this feeling will pass.

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Thank you All for responding.

I certainly have to make plans for my weekends as well. So far it was 3 weekends together and one apart it worked well. I have no issues spending time away from him.

It was more of him choosing work colleague that he sees more often than myself. I thought my offer was welcomed but it appeared that only if other people won't propose other things.

Maybe he felt comfortable enough with me to simply wanted to go for a beer with work colleagues. He was honest about it.

I must admit I feel less enthusiastic seeing him tomorrow.

Hope this feeling will pass.

 

Stop creating this imaginary competition between yourself and other aspects of his life. He isn't choosing his co-workers over you. He is balancing both and yes, work is kind of important. Most decisions are made not in meetings but during happy hour and if you don't go, you will quickly find yourself left out and eventually out completely.

 

Why do you choose to spin this in such a negative way for yourself? Serious question.

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You said this in March:

"And I said to him I am done here ...so this is over .I won't contact him again."

 

This was after he gave you lame excuses why he didn't respond to your calls and messages and after he cancelled plans with you.

 

So what made you decide to go back to him?

 

You haven't answered this. An oversight, or do you not want to answer?

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Hope this feeling will pass.

 

It will pass. And then it will come back. Then it will pass again. And then....

 

At least from these seats, that's been the substance of this relationship for you, no?

 

In late December/early Jan "this feeling" was when he went "MIA" on a trip. In late Jan "this feeling" was when his ex/mother of his child texted him to keep warm during a trip you guys took. A month later "this feeling" was when he became "slightly less in touch" over text. A few weeks later "this feeling" was triggered by his mentioning thoughts of moving and wanting to visit a cousin, along with some more dips in communication that had you 100 percent convinced it was time to end it.

 

Another feeling which, well, passed.

 

This is your relationship with him, how it functions. He throws you, disappoints you, leaves you feeling anxious and confused. You come here, ask questions, which seems to work for you as a means of coping with "this feeling" until it passes.

 

No judgement, but that's what I'm seeing here. While that's not the kind of relationship I'd personally be comfortable in—my threshold for "this feeling" as being a foundation in early romance is basically nil—it seems to be what you're after.

 

The good thing about your lack of enthusiasm for tomorrow? If he does something nice, if you two laugh or eat or have great sex, it will feel especially great, bringing you out of this low and sweeping away "this feeling." I assume something like that happened over the past 6 weeks?

 

Again, I don't mean that to sound harsh. I've just already given the advice you've gotten here—about doing x, y, and z so these moments don't bite so hard—so repeating it to handle the disappointment of having to postpone the Overcoat Moment seems beside the point. Maybe instead just acknowgdlge that "this feeling" is something you're seeking and cultivating here—the low needed to produce the high.

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You haven't shared that there are any other issues in your relationship, therefore this can be considered a `one off/something came up' thing.

If it were a pattern, that would be one thing but you are personalizing this when you don't need to.

 

Shake it off.

 

Advise - If you tell your partner you are ok with something and even if you have a change of heart, you can't take it back. If you weren't ok with it, it's your responsibility to speak up about it in the moment. If you give your blessing about something then it's up to you to figure out a way to honor your agreement and be alright with it.

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You haven't shared that there are any other issues in your relationship, therefore this can be considered a `one off/something came up' thing.

If it were a pattern, that would be one thing but you are personalizing this when you don't need to.

 

Per my above post, and per OP's monthly updates (now bimonthly, since March), this is not a "one off" but a pattern of sorts that has been playing out in whack-a-mole fashion for some time.

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well, that changes everything :)

Yes it does.

 

Op: Why are you still trying to be happy with a guy that continuously makes you feel lesser than?

 

Either you don't have a life outside of him so you feel abandoned when he has other things to do or if that's not the case, your relationship just isn't the right one for you if you keep being made to feel devalued.

 

Which is is?

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But after I got off the phone I realised that my idea was no longer amazing....cause beers with work colleagues sounded better....

 

I feel hurt....we didn't have solid plans but we spoke about it....and than he forgot all about it?

 

All this projecting you are doing with this guy is going to suffocate him and push him away. I mean it's great that you have been asking for input on here but you do so after you act not before. You have been given the same advice over and over again each time you post, yet you continue behaving the same way... by doing this you simply reinforce your beliefs that the relationship will fail instead of actually changing your behavior.

 

You are the common denominator here OP and if you don't address this behavior it will follow you into another relationship.... wherever you go, there you are.

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A few hours later he calls and asks if I could come on Saturday instead as he has at work team meeting and will probably go for some beers later.

 

I said " no worries"

 

 

First off, he did ask you if it would be ok, to which you responded "no worries."

 

But you weren't being honest, were you, because in reality you are not ok with it.

 

You feel hurt and resentment, you're angry, to the point now you don't even know if you'll enjoy your Saturday date!

 

This is the issue irka, not him preferring to go grab some beers after work.

 

Now if me, I'd be disappointed and sure a bit hurt if I'm honest, but as you mentioned earlier, I pick my battles.

 

I'm not sure I would have said "no worries" as you did make a definite plan to see each other Friday, including your cooking him dinner. To which he said sounded amazing.

 

I may have told him I was disappointed, as that's honest, not pretended I'm cool with him cancelling our plans to go have beers, but that said, this is certainly not the battle to pick.

 

I've played the "cool girl" before for a very long time and it really messed me up!

 

So moving forward, start being emotionally honest, with yourself, with him, let him get to know YOU.

 

What makes you tick, your quirks, your flaws, your sensitivities, that is how you foster mutual trust and increase the intimacy between you.

 

Certainly not be "pretending" you're cool w everything, when you are clearly not! You will destroy your relationship that way.

 

If you have an issue w something he's done, then voice that calmly and respectfully.

 

No need to toss guilt trips or act like a raving psycho, but do let him know you're disappointed, then let it go.

 

As I said, if it becomes a pattern, then you can address it more assertively.

 

JMO and how I choose to do things in my relationship, it works quite well actually. My bf trusts and has a lot of respect for me as a result.

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