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Thread: Is this wrong ?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You said this in March:
    "And I said to him I am done here ...so this is over .I won't contact him again."

    This was after he gave you lame excuses why he didn't respond to your calls and messages and after he cancelled plans with you.

    So what made you decide to go back to him?
    Still wondering about this.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Some say to pick your battles...so not sure of I should mention this especially I was fine with it when he asked if I was ok with it.....
    I would not mention it. You already said you don't mind, so what would be the point in bringing it up after the fact, just to make him feel lousy?

    The real world must always penetrate any fantasy bubbles we form around a lover. This includes allowing for any lover who is healthy to choose development of other areas of life beyond us. Trying to squelch that by questioning is manipulative, and rather than bonding you closer, you'll risk coming off as needy and not having enough going on in your own life to focus on.

    Head high, and enjoy your time with him--then develop aspects of your own life to avoid feeling bad when he chooses to tend to his.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's not that he doesn't think your idea isn't amazing and please try not to give everything in life such a negative twist because all you are doing is making yourself miserable. It's very simply that healthy normal people need time to themselves, time for friends, time to deal with extra work and co-workers, time for hobbies, time for chores around the house, etc. You cannot fall into a rigid routine where every single weekend is consumed with spending time with each other. Not only will it kill your relationship as things will become stale and start to feel like an obligation instead of fun, but it will diminish your overall lives and friendships. It's just not healthy. You should both have enough going on that spending some weekends apart is refreshing and not cause for hurt feelings or resentments.

  4. #14
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I don't see the problem - you have a date set for Saturday night.

    It's the people who are not getting dates who have real problems.

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  6. #15
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    Thank you All for responding.
    I certainly have to make plans for my weekends as well. So far it was 3 weekends together and one apart it worked well. I have no issues spending time away from him.
    It was more of him choosing work colleague that he sees more often than myself. I thought my offer was welcomed but it appeared that only if other people won't propose other things.
    Maybe he felt comfortable enough with me to simply wanted to go for a beer with work colleagues. He was honest about it.
    I must admit I feel less enthusiastic seeing him tomorrow.
    Hope this feeling will pass.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Thank you All for responding.
    I certainly have to make plans for my weekends as well. So far it was 3 weekends together and one apart it worked well. I have no issues spending time away from him.
    It was more of him choosing work colleague that he sees more often than myself. I thought my offer was welcomed but it appeared that only if other people won't propose other things.
    Maybe he felt comfortable enough with me to simply wanted to go for a beer with work colleagues. He was honest about it.
    I must admit I feel less enthusiastic seeing him tomorrow.
    Hope this feeling will pass.
    Stop creating this imaginary competition between yourself and other aspects of his life. He isn't choosing his co-workers over you. He is balancing both and yes, work is kind of important. Most decisions are made not in meetings but during happy hour and if you don't go, you will quickly find yourself left out and eventually out completely.

    Why do you choose to spin this in such a negative way for yourself? Serious question.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You said this in March:
    "And I said to him I am done here ...so this is over .I won't contact him again."

    This was after he gave you lame excuses why he didn't respond to your calls and messages and after he cancelled plans with you.

    So what made you decide to go back to him?
    You haven't answered this. An oversight, or do you not want to answer?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Hope this feeling will pass.
    It will pass. And then it will come back. Then it will pass again. And then....

    At least from these seats, that's been the substance of this relationship for you, no?

    In late December/early Jan "this feeling" was when he went "MIA" on a trip. In late Jan "this feeling" was when his ex/mother of his child texted him to keep warm during a trip you guys took. A month later "this feeling" was when he became "slightly less in touch" over text. A few weeks later "this feeling" was triggered by his mentioning thoughts of moving and wanting to visit a cousin, along with some more dips in communication that had you 100 percent convinced it was time to end it.

    Another feeling which, well, passed.

    This is your relationship with him, how it functions. He throws you, disappoints you, leaves you feeling anxious and confused. You come here, ask questions, which seems to work for you as a means of coping with "this feeling" until it passes.

    No judgement, but that's what I'm seeing here. While that's not the kind of relationship I'd personally be comfortable in—my threshold for "this feeling" as being a foundation in early romance is basically nil—it seems to be what you're after.

    The good thing about your lack of enthusiasm for tomorrow? If he does something nice, if you two laugh or eat or have great sex, it will feel especially great, bringing you out of this low and sweeping away "this feeling." I assume something like that happened over the past 6 weeks?

    Again, I don't mean that to sound harsh. I've just already given the advice you've gotten here—about doing x, y, and z so these moments don't bite so hard—so repeating it to handle the disappointment of having to postpone the Overcoat Moment seems beside the point. Maybe instead just acknowgdlge that "this feeling" is something you're seeking and cultivating here—the low needed to produce the high.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You haven't shared that there are any other issues in your relationship, therefore this can be considered a `one off/something came up' thing.
    If it were a pattern, that would be one thing but you are personalizing this when you don't need to.

    Shake it off.

    Advise - If you tell your partner you are ok with something and even if you have a change of heart, you can't take it back. If you weren't ok with it, it's your responsibility to speak up about it in the moment. If you give your blessing about something then it's up to you to figure out a way to honor your agreement and be alright with it.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You haven't shared that there are any other issues in your relationship, therefore this can be considered a `one off/something came up' thing.
    If it were a pattern, that would be one thing but you are personalizing this when you don't need to.
    Per my above post, and per OP's monthly updates (now bimonthly, since March), this is not a "one off" but a pattern of sorts that has been playing out in whack-a-mole fashion for some time.

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