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Thread: First Vacation W/o Wife, Dad Getting Remarried, Sister Issues

  1. #1
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    First Vacation W/o Wife, Dad Getting Remarried, Sister Issues

    Hi all,

    Long time poster on ENA. As a quick backstory, my wife and I were together for ten years (Married for 5 years). She moved out about 6 weeks and I decided to file for divorce about 3 weeks ago because I told her I wanted to work on things (She didn't and wanted a clean break/started talking to another guy.) Needless to say, it's been a rough six weeks. Some of the issues in my marriage stemmed from the hurt I felt when my parents got divorced three years ago after 32 years of marriage. My Mother is terminally ill and my Dad is marrying his mistress tomorrow. I took a lot of the responsibility associated w/ taking care of my Mom when my Dad despite living three hours away. I was always close with both parents. My Mom was especially upset since this is taking place on the same weekend as Mother's Day....

    My Dad is getting married in a city that my wife and I frequently traveled to together to see her family and some of my family. This is my first time here without her. In fact, his wedding ceremony will be held in a hotel that my wife and I visited when we were looking at wedding venues 6-7 years ago. Talk about ironic and even worse for me. My sister, who is also getting divorced, is also in town for this. My sister, who I haven't written a lot about in here, is dealing with her divorce and is having a lot of psychological issues. She had a bad eating disorder and is just all over the map emotionally. I'm trying to be strong for her.

    Needless to say, I'm not feeling great today. I was supposed to stay with my Dad and his fiancee tonight, but I hate his fiancee and decided just to stay an extra night at the hotel. My Dad wasn't happy about that. My Dad was a great dad to me; he was always there for me, but I just hate his fiancee. Her and I don't get along. She hated my wife as well.

    Sometimes, I wonder how I hold it all together. Between (i) my divorce, which is pending because who knows what's going with it because they haven't been able to serve my wife yet/my wife hasn't retained an attorney, (ii) my Dad marrying the woman he cheated on my Mom w/, (iii) my sister going through a very rough patch, and (iv) this wedding occurring in a city that my wife and I spent a lot of time in. Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend.

    I know she came to this area for Easter. I wonder how it was for her. It's hard as hell for me.

    Just looking for some words of encouragement here. I've been super active over the last six weeks. I've felt super strong. I just feel the wall of emotions hitting me tonight and I'm looking for some support. I had to fly here as well and felt anxious getting on the plane, despite traveling frequently for work.
    Last edited by thekid55; 05-09-2019 at 08:02 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Feeling for you big time, friend.

    It takes a lot of courageóand a lot of strengthóto post like this, and to just acknowledge that sometimes life really has a way of coming for you on all sides. Sometimes just acknowledging itóand having it heardóis what we need to keep stepping forward.

    You're going to make it through the weekend, and you'll do so with grace. When the big thoughts and feelings come, let them. They're part of things right now, nothing to be ashamed of or to push away. Acknowgdlge themóand, hey, if that means excusing yourself for a moment, all good. And if it means Dad is a little disappointed that you need your own hotel room to keep your emotional equilibrium in checkóalso all good. He's a big boy, and whatever his faults as a husband to your mother, it means he raised a son who knows how to look out for himself.

    Wish I had the magic button to soften the sharpest edges when they come, but, alas, no button exists so far as I know. Pools and beaches, though? They help.

    Best of luck.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    First off Iím a follower of your story and Iím sorry youíre going through a hard weekend.

    Second, how is she still not served? Didnít she say she would be available on 4/26 which was like almost 2 weeks ago? Your lawyers sure do seem to be slow bucking this process. Iíd be hella pissed if it were me. Just seems like unnessesary limbo, I hope that gets done soon.

    Third, you pushed to reach this point.... hard, like full steam ahead you were brutal with your cut off game, which is your prerogative, once things slowed down itís only natural all those natural emotions came bubbling up. Try to stay in the moment and even keeled, breathe, donít do anything crazy or drastic, avoid drama, just be there for your dad, youíll be ok.

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    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    First off Iím a follower of your story and Iím sorry youíre going through a hard weekend.

    Second, how is she still not served? Didnít she say she would be available on 4/26 which was like almost 2 weeks ago? Your lawyers sure do seem to be slow bucking this process. Iíd be hella pissed if it were me. Just seems like unnessesary limbo, I hope that gets done soon.

    Third, you pushed to reach this point.... hard, like full steam ahead you were brutal with your cut off game, which is your prerogative, once things slowed down itís only natural all those natural emotions came bubbling up. Try to stay in the moment and even keeled, breathe, donít do anything crazy or drastic, avoid drama, just be there for your dad, youíll be ok.
    My attorney served the papers to her attorney. Her attorney stated he wasn't formally retained yet (this was last week). We followed up, but no response yet. Just a weird process. She's a teacher, so I think there's certain restrictions about servers going into the school? I gave the process server the license plate and everything.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Wow good luck, I agree this will be a rough weekend for you. Do your best to be cordial and dont feel bad if you need to leave the event a little early, you need to take care of you.

    When I got divorced we didnt use a lawyer as there was nothing to fight about, no kids, no house, we had our own possessions and I took my stuff and left. Once lawyers get involved, the cost can go thru the roof and everything just gets complicated. Anything you can do to keep it simple will help you get thru it easier.

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    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I think you're doing incredibly well just being there....Kudos!

    Just get through this weekend and in time you will be damn proud of yourself for doing this*

    Carus*

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're taking on too much. Start letting things roll off your back and try not to dabble in things that are none of your business. Your dad's relationship is really none of your business and neither is your sister's divorce. Your mum's health cannot be helped (I'm sorry to say that) so learning to accept the inevitable may bring you more peace and steadiness in this difficult time. Illness like that is never easy but that type of betrayal between your parents is not on you so drop it. You chose to go to your dad's wedding. You really didn't have to. I'm not suggesting that you're doing the wrong thing. I'm only reminding you that it was your choice to go. You don't sound like you've made peace with your dad and you certainly don't like his new wife so why you're going at all is something you have to answer to yourself privately.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you. I'd focus on the pride you feel in your resilience rather than talking yourself into feeling lousy. Sure, it's reasonable to acknowledge the hardships, but then decide what kind of spin you want to put on your ability to handle your time and focus.

    In other words, talk yourself UP instead of down, and this will make the time pass faster and more easily. Picture yourself feeling proud of how well you muscled through this time rather than drilling yourself into a deeper hole of suffering the difficulty.

    Whenever circumstances are beyond our control, it's always best to remind ourselves of our power to control our responses to them. We may not always feel great, but there's something to be said for using our own intelligence and narrative skills in our own favor rather than using them against ourselves to feel worse than necessary.

    Head high, you can do this.

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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    My attorney served the papers to her attorney. Her attorney stated he wasn't formally retained yet (this was last week). We followed up, but no response yet. Just a weird process. She's a teacher, so I think there's certain restrictions about servers going into the school? I gave the process server the license plate and everything.
    It's kind of ridiculous to serve a person at their place of employment anyway as far as I'm concerned. Talk about potential public humiliation. She doesn't have a home address?

    Your lawyer could have sent them certified mail to her new home address and it wouldn't matter if she had a lawyer on retainer or not.


    Good luck this weekend. Some pool time with a Margarita in hand is called for. Give yourself some time to cry if you need. You don't have to be strong every day.
    Try to forget it all and just make it a weekend vacation about having fun.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Today went a lot better than I thought it would! I woke up nice and early, met my sister in the lobby, kept her stuff in my room, and treated her to a nice breakfast. My sister said she barely recognized me because I've gotten into such great shape. (I received a lot of compliments throughout the day). Thankfully, she ate a full breakfast and we updated each other on our lives. She was telling me about the new guy she dating, some career updates, etc. I kept things light and jokey; I didn't bring up my wife at all. I talked about work, rehashed old family memories, etc. We were laughing the whole time. After breakfast, we got changed and went to the beach for a few hours. I reserved us a nice cabana and we spent a few hours on the beach together. We swam, hung out, told jokes, etc. Afterwards, we parted and got ready for the wedding.

    The wedding itself was a little weird. My new stepmom didn't greet us at all. She seemed annoyed, but maybe she was nervous? Who knows. Only the kids (my sister and I plus my stepmom's kids) were invited. The stepmom's kids were very attentive to all of the details associated with the wedding (e.g., carrying stuff around). My sister and I just had to show up and stand there, which was great. We all took some pictures afterwards. My sister and I took some great photos together. She posted them to social media and one of her co-workers thought we were dating LOL awkward. The ceremony was short, it briefly rained, and then we all had a quick drink before dinner. The drinks definitely lighted everyone up; we started to connect more with the stepmom's kids, who are about 10 years younger. We had a nice dinner, cake, and my sister and I finished the night by grabbing one last drink and playing an arcade claw machine (We won a small prize and gave it to a kid, LOL)

    My sister asked me about my wife several times throughout the day. My sister asked me if I was dating other people and whether I missed my wife. I told her that I'm meeting new people through different avenues (volunteer work, online dating just to chat.) In terms of 'missing her', I told her that things are what they are at this point. I saw her texting my wife at one point. My wife and my sister are close and hung out a few weeks ago. (My wife needed to get some of her things from my sister's house, so she went there and they had lunch. I asked my sister how my wife was and she said that she was doing well, but looked dead tired). At first, I opposed to them talking, but I don't really care anymore. I'm the man and anyone is lucky to be apart of my life.

    My big takeaway from today: My sister and I had a great day together. Her and I haven't been close, but this experience has brought us together. I had her laughing all day long, I paid her way for all activities, and tried to keep a smile on her face. She seemed relieved and happy all day long. Everything happens for a reason---and maybe this is a way for us to reconnect and build a better relationship. I love my sister and we have such fun together. I'm looking forward to another fun day tomorrow.

    My Dad seemed generously happy to marry this woman. I don't like her at all and think she's disgusting, but he's happy. I'm happy for my Dad despite my feelings about her personally.

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