She said they only kissed but my gut says otherwise

My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 3 kids together. My wife started working out last year to get rid of the baby weight from the last pregnancy. My cousin (by marriage) is in pretty good shape offered to give her some pointers. He would only go with her to the gym maybe once or twice a month. It turned into 3 to 4 times a week which sounds suspicious but they had signed up for one of those mud runs. I've seen the video advertisement for and are pretty intense. I started getting suspicious around the end of last year. She said that she didn't really see what I was talking about and considered him like a brother. Fast forward to last week. I picked up her phone while she was asleep to see if she had saved and screenshots of things she wanted, which she is know to do and we don't always get to share with each other things since we both work full time jobs and have 3 kids.

Anyways when I unlocked her phone her Instagram messages were open between her and my cousin. There was talk of him missing her lips on his. Talk of her having a pregnancy scare (I've been fixed and tested and 100% sterile) and being sad about it and his response was I'm sad too. I would love to marry you and have a child with you. When I confronted her about all this she said it meant nothing and that they only kissed once and it was only for a second. He confirmed the same and said that's all they did. My gut and the messages back and forth tell me otherwise. Any help here would be greatly appreciated. She is my best friend and I want to believe her but I just can't get past the feeling of still being lied to.

Oh and the morning I confronted her she called him while I was out getting breakfast and they had about a 3 min talk. About what is anyone's guess. She wouldn't admit she called him that morning and made up a lie about must have accidentally left a voice mail. She didn't come clean until I told her that he told me that she called to worn him that I caught them.

Based on what you wrote, I agree she's been cheating for awhile and seems to have no intention to stopping. Document everything and get a lawyer. Unless you're willing to accept her sneaking behind your back and sleeping with your cousin, it is time to get a divorce and work out how to take care of your child/children.

I am sorry about what you are going through, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Honestly it sounds to me like you are in denial about her affair which by the messages sounds very obvious. If you want to save your marriage you must put this cousin in his place and getting him to stop contacting her immediately, no more gym buddies, even a kiss is crossing the line and he does not respect you. You and your wife need to go to counselling together, there is no way around it. You have 3 beautiful children to think about and it sounds like you truly love her, counselling is worth a try.

Best of luck.

Based on what you wrote, I agree she's been cheating for awhile and seems to have no intention to stopping. Document everything and get a lawyer. Unless you're willing to accept her sneaking behind your back and sleeping with your cousin, it is time to get a divorce and work out how to take care of your child/children.

I second that too! Legal advice and document everything in case she doesnt agree to counselling

I second that too! Legal advice and document everything in case she doesnt agree to counselling

I agree with the above comments.

Can't add anything further than - I am sorry.

It doesn't sound good. I too am sorry for what you're going through. She doesn't sound truthful or willing to communicate with you most likely out of fear for herself (her future) and her kids. You might want rethink what your cousin tells you as he can't be trusted either since he's implicated himself. Watch out for yourself in this he said/she said game. Take care.

At risk of not seeing the forest for the trees... you did break into her phone. In my opinion, your suspicion was 100% warranted, but snooping and violating your partner's privacy isn't ok. Point being it would seem you each have some issues.

What was the state of the marriage before this started? What do you believe may have led her to have this affair?

If you (and her) both want the marriage to recover, it absolutely can. Many would say otherwise, but it is possible. Seeking counseling is a great start, good on you for that. But I'll echo what others have said - protect yourself. Legally, financially, and emotionally, because it's going to be a long road whether or not it works out in the end.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, keep your head up.

You already know what's going on. I'm sorry this happened. But to be fair, you knew what you'd find when you went through her phone. The question is, what are you going to do now?

I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s utterly messed up. She sounds like a pathological liar and I wouldn’t believe anything she’s said. Talking about marriage and pregnancy scare they’ve definitely slept together. Poor you, but I agree with the others about documentation and getting a lawyer

OP this is super sad news, my heart goes out to you... your life is forever changed as a result of this information no matter what you decide to do.

Focus on getting the help you need right now... you will get through this.

I am deeply sorry about your situation....they certainly have something going on. No man would spend 4,5 times a week with a woman he didn't care....plus the evidence is there.

She wanted to lose weight,he made her feel special and they got closer...

I think she won't stop until this will naturally die between them.

Are you willing to wait for the sake of your family ?

Not sure what I'm going to do. Finding more white lies.

I don't think one gets pregnant from a kiss.

Really disgraceful that a family member would be having a full on affair with your wife. You saw the messages, you know what is true.

Seek out a lawyer. Be done with this woman.

Not sure what I'm going to do. Finding more white lies.

Telling someone you love their food when you don't is a white lie. Saying they sing just fine when, really, they sound like a cat choking on a furball is a white lie. No lie is good, but a white lie is designed to help rather than hurt.

Your wife having slept with your cousin and having a pregnancy scare and then lying to your face about that which you know to be true, is not a white lie. It is blatant disrespect and dishonesty towards you. Even if all they did was kiss, which is clearly not true as they admitted to doing more when they spoke about the pregnancy scare privately to each other, then that is still grounds to confront this very unfaithful and unacceptable behavior. She doesn't even appear to find anything deeply inappropriate with kissing someone else, even "for a second". That isn't okay on any level, never mind the fact that she actually did sleep with him.

As the others have said, protect yourself and seek professional help - legal advice, counselling, etc.

On a personal note - I'm sorry, but I don't think it will be possible to repair this when your wife isn't willing to admit what she did and take responsibility for it. And, I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope you can find your way forward and out of this nightmare.

It seems like you have enough info and know they are having an affair but don't know how to proceed. Do you want to let it slide or get marital counseling or separate?

Have you not actually told her that you saw the messages exchanged between them?

We all know you can’t get pregnant by kissing!

Are you afraid to end your marriage?

And why?

Sorry, there's no greater pain!

There was talk of him missing her lips on his. Talk of her having a pregnancy scare (I've been fixed and tested and 100% sterile) and being sad about it and his response was I'm sad too. I would love to marry you and have a child with you.

Your wife is in a full blown physical affair.

Many husbands, including myself, have pulled their wives back and out of the emotional stage of infidelity.

It is very hard and takes years.

Full blown infidelity has those elements and is a hundred times harder..., for you.

You must decide if you want to save the marriage.

If yes, secretly start reading James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

I have confronted her and him about having sex. They both deny it. This is the txt between them. Pretty sure they were talking on the phone before these txt.

She said - Ifeel a little PTSD because of this whole pregnancy scare...I've had a miscarriage before and it was rough.... then she said call me crazy but I'm a little sad

He responded - I'm sad too. Don't think I'm not. I only felt we should have gone that route because of our situation. I meant every word I said to you. I would love to marry you and make another child with you. I hope you realize that I meant all those things.

So you think it may still be in the emotional stage?

I have confronted her and him about having sex. They both deny it. This is the txt between them. Pretty sure they were talking on the phone before these txt.

 

She said - Ifeel a little PTSD because of this whole pregnancy scare...I've had a miscarriage before and it was rough.... then she said call me crazy but I'm a little sad

 

He responded - I'm sad too. Don't think I'm not. I only felt we should have gone that route because of our situation. I meant every word I said to you. I would love to marry you and make another child with you. I hope you realize that I meant all those things.

I’ll ask again! Have you told her you saw these messages? If not why not?

Instead of operating on emotion alone, I'd meet with an attorney to learn all of my options along with the smartest steps to take for each option.

It makes no senes to lurk around trying to catch wife in lies when you already know what's been going on. So what's the value in that? You don't need to make any decisions right now, but you can at least consult with a legal expert to learn what options are available to you and what protections you can put into place that will support any choices you will make when you're ready.

Like everyone says, it is a situation that no one wants to be in.

Furthermore, you are at a place where you feel like it's a hard decision and not knowing the things to come in the future is more pain. At this point your wife did not care about you or your family. Even if you believe that it was just a kiss and say you even give her a pass about the kiss but the truth of the matter is, during that simple kiss, she threw out all regards of you and your family. None of that mattered to her at that moment in time. Say you give her a pass on the kiss, later on the thought will always be there, you will suspect what she would be doing when she is alone. You will assume the worst when you think she is lying about things all the time, even if she is not lying at all. She will be in a position where she is going to be accused of something perhaps she did or didn't do in the future. This is all because trust has been broken between two people who's bonds are supposed to be stronger than any other two people. This will lead to a toxic environment which she will probably seek out your cousin again, if they ever stop in the first place.

This is only one path of turmoil that you could face in the future. There are better outcomes with much commitment and work with a lot of time. To rebuild the trust and then continuing to live your lives.

Remember when she did this she was selfish and only cared of herself without any regard to you or your children. Many possibly outcomes of turmoil and pain in the future while only one happy ending for all your family with a lot of work and self control on your end.

At this state you will need to ask yourself, are you willing to take on that responsibilities and effort for a person have you on such low regards just for the sake of your children and what you may call love?

If so, think about this, you can always go for custody of your kids, you can always be a good father for them long as you are around and doing what fathers do. Children will not blame you or hate you for what has become of the family because at the end of the day, the real truth will come out and they will still love you.

So with all said and done, are you willing to do all that effort for this one person who does not care for you at all. Lets but the delusions aside because her actions says she doesn't care, she just wants to bang your cousin because of whatever she claims she is not getting from you. Even if she says she cares about you.

Leave her high and dry, take the kids, raise them and be a good father. If there were no issues in the past, look at it as good memories with three good prizes that came of it.

Good Luck dude.

Yes she knows I know about the messages.

I have confronted her and him about having sex. They both deny it. This is the txt between them. Pretty sure they were talking on the phone before these txt.

 

She said - Ifeel a little PTSD because of this whole pregnancy scare...I've had a miscarriage before and it was rough.... then she said call me crazy but I'm a little sad

 

He responded - I'm sad too. Don't think I'm not. I only felt we should have gone that route because of our situation. I meant every word I said to you. I would love to marry you and make another child with you. I hope you realize that I meant all those things.

Who has a pregnancy scare without having sex??? of course they will deny it! my ex cheated on me and swore on his life that he wasn't cheating... I had proof, also messages he had with her... it took a while for him to admit he was cheating

Oh wow. A cheating and lying wife. And not only that, but with blood, your cousin! Two relationships could be down the drain. I don't know where to begin.