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Thread: is it acceptable thoughts please

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Pardon - one more thing to clarify: I have plenty of emotions. I think that's why my reaction seems unusual- those emotions are flowing in another direction. Admittedly I have never been in this particular position but I am married and I know that I love my husband a lot. There's tremendous emotion there. I just could not possibly find it in me to hold him back with any bad feeling regardless of who that other woman is. I'm sincerely 100% genuine and don't like the psychological bend in the discussion there or label of sociopath (couldn't be further from the truth and is a distortion of the discussion). It's love that causes that and I'm puzzled I think by the responses at first because most of you are in relationships or married too. I completely respect that though because I think if we all were sitting around a fireplace and chatting, we'd probably agree on a lot of things. We're just discussing different aspects and it's difficult with text as all you put out there is all that's available for another person to interpret in a one-dimensional aspect.

    In regards to the friend (female friend in question here), I think of my female friends and I don't have any female friend I wouldn't wish utmost joy and happiness to either. When I say I think of them like a sister, I mean this - perhaps closer than even blood relatives. This might come as a surprise but there is emotion there and a lot of love and respect for my friends. If this is the decision they've made, I'd actually trust that decision and know in my heart that this is the way things would have to happen in order for there to be greater happiness. Most of all, if my husband were to walk off with a non-friend (the back-stabbing type), let's call her, that's on him... Not her because she's automatically negligible in my life (not a friend! agree!). The real matter is with my partner. That's why (emotionally) it appears that I've reacted to this situation a bit differently from some of you.

    Sorry for any confusion.

  2. #42
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    I did not mean to imply you lack emotion Rose, only that you are not dictated by your emotions, there's a difference.

    Just what I sense from reading all your posts, not just on this thread, it's an admirable quality imo. :)

    And to clarify, I would never wish to hold my friend back from happiness either, or my ex.

    Even if there were deception/back-stabbing involved (as in OP's case). I find harboring such bitterness and resentment unproductive and detrimental -- to me.

    Doesn't mean I have to remain friends with her though, Wrong or right, I simply can't be friends with someone I am unable to trust.

    I would wish her well, and him, and move on.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Thanks, Katrina!! And yes, I completely agree about not being friends with anyone untrustworthy.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Pardon - one more thing to clarify: I have plenty of emotions. I think that's why my reaction seems unusual- those emotions are flowing in another direction. Admittedly I have never been in this particular position but I am married and I know that I love my husband a lot. There's tremendous emotion there. I just could not possibly find it in me to hold him back with any bad feeling regardless of who that other woman is. I'm sincerely 100% genuine and don't like the psychological bend in the discussion there or label of sociopath (couldn't be further from the truth and is a distortion of the discussion). It's love that causes that and I'm puzzled I think by the responses at first because most of you are in relationships or married too. I completely respect that though because I think if we all were sitting around a fireplace and chatting, we'd probably agree on a lot of things. We're just discussing different aspects and it's difficult with text as all you put out there is all that's available for another person to interpret in a one-dimensional aspect.

    In regards to the friend (female friend in question here), I think of my female friends and I don't have any female friend I wouldn't wish utmost joy and happiness to either. When I say I think of them like a sister, I mean this - perhaps closer than even blood relatives. This might come as a surprise but there is emotion there and a lot of love and respect for my friends. If this is the decision they've made, I'd actually trust that decision and know in my heart that this is the way things would have to happen in order for there to be greater happiness. Most of all, if my husband were to walk off with a non-friend (the back-stabbing type), let's call her, that's on him... Not her because she's automatically negligible in my life (not a friend! agree!). The real matter is with my partner. That's why (emotionally) it appears that I've reacted to this situation a bit differently from some of you.

    Sorry for any confusion.
    Beautiful and idealistic point of view. Of course wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone had perfectly healthy views around attachment and relationships and could let go with love and accept whatever happens?

    Sadly this isn’t reality... nor does it need to be. Processing hurt, anger, of having to let go of someone we were deeply connected to before we were ready, just makes us that much stronger in the end.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Beautiful and idealistic point of view. Of course wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone had perfectly healthy views around attachment and relationships and could let go with love and accept whatever happens?

    Sadly this isn’t reality... nor does it need to be. Processing hurt, anger, of having to let go of someone we were deeply connected to before we were ready, just makes us that much stronger in the end.
    Again, one-dimensional discourse just creates polarity between different ideas and perspectives and blocks open discussion. Our view versus your view. What is "reality" versus what is "idealistic". I see us reiterating the same things and I'm marveling at it because it's wonderful. I agree with your statement about going through a process in order to be strong but not everyone goes through the same processes and certainly not everyone on the forum has already gone through the same experiences or challenges in life. I'm agreeing with you also just as I agreed with Katrina (these are all points on the same sentiments). There is nothing new there and nothing that I'm disagreeing with. I don't believe the polarity is necessary: "reality" versus "idealistic", "useful" versus "not useful", "human" versus "robotic", "normal" versus "sociopathic", "emotionless" versus "overdramatic" (a word I myself used specifically in relation to the term "girl code" and am revising/rethinking again). Like I said, it's difficult to understand each other via text and I think we all just want to believe whatever we want to believe and that's perfectly fine as long as we respect each others' views.

  7. #46
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    Rose, I had to think about your last post for a bit, and forgive me if I misunderstood, but if I am to interpret it correctly, what you’re saying (to which I agree if true) is that what might be the correct approach for one may not be the correct approach for another, hence the “idealistic” versus “reality” comparison?

    That we each create our own “reality” what works for us as individuals. How we choose to respond or react to a certain situation is our own reality.

    The polarity comes into play when folks start interjecting that their way is the correct way (in this case vilifying the friend), deeming it “reality” and a person who feels differently who would be happy for their friend is “idealistic” or somehow “sociopathic.” Although I believe the poster who posted the latter (sociopathic) clarified that is not what she meant to suggest at all.

    And that these polarities between our ideas are not productive and block open discussion?

    If this is what the gist of your post was, I just learned something quite valuable, so thank you. :)
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-13-2019 at 08:19 PM.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Yes, that's mainly what I'm saying and it's why I also caught myself creating and contributing to that polarizing effect. The comments about sociopathic or robotic was thinly veiled rhetoric and specifically aimed towards one poster (me) as it described my post without quoting me specifically which was rather pointed and unnecessary. It even went so far as to hint that my thoughts are meant to garner attention which was uncalled for - if we have a point let's just make it towards the situation (OP's post) and not direct such negative comments towards each other. I'm simply sharing my thoughts.

    I appreciate your comments, Katrina. Thank you for your time!

  9. #48
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    To me, with shades of gray of course, it's always been a "thing" -and a thing that made sense to me - that you don't try to date your friend's exes without checking with them first -and actually not checking at all if it's obvious they are not over the person or would be really hurt if you did so. Another anecdote -my friend was over the moon about this guy. He ended things abruptly after 6 months. I never met him but knew his name and it was unusual. About 5 months later I contacted a guy on a dating site. We chatted on the phone and I realized from what he said that it likely was him (it was the last name that was less typical -first name clued me in though). So I asked him if he'd dated my friend. He said he had and I said I'm sorry but I don't think we should meet. He said "you're a really good friend". I never told her we had any contact.

    (And yes I would have met him despite the fact that he ended things -he didn't seem like a bad guy -my issue was I knew how into him she'd been and she wasn't yet dating anyone, likely wasn't quite over him - ironically, a few years later I found out that a friend of mine had set her up with my ex without telling me and they'd gone on one date -my ex didn't like her and my ex is now my husband so it all worked out -I thought it was odd that this friend set them up -this friend met the woman through me so even more strange).

  10. #49
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Fascinating discussion all the way around.

    Here's my perspective. I was in a long-term relationship for over 5 years. We finally broke up - we had a lot of problems - and his friend came to see me soon thereafter. I was really, really attracted to him but had to turn him down & then literally pushed him out of my bedroom. Let's be honest - I was dying inside. But mainly I am glad that I did it, even if my ex was a jerk. He loved that man like a brother. I did not want their friendship to be destroyed or even strained. I am just one person, just one woman out of how many in the world?

    I might be more jaded than usual as I'm coming out of a common-law marriage, but there is always another person out there instead of that particular one who is an ex of your friend.

    However, I'm not trying to put myself on a pedestal either. I've made a lot of horrible choices in love during my lifetime. But this...this I will not do.

    Rose Mosse...you are amazing!

  11. #50
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    thank you for feedback guys really has helped a lot..too me she crossed the line .so has he with little thought of how I feel..she is gone im slowly re building my life trust with people has gone but time is a great healer

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