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Thread: Intimacy issues - not his fault

  1. #1
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Intimacy issues - not his fault

    I need to talk about this issue with the internet, because I don't want to talk to someone that knows me and my long-term boyfriend.

    The man I love and have been dating for several years is the best person I could ever hope to be with. I canít wait to marry him.

    The only thing is... he has low to no libido due to low testosterone. He has been seeing a urologist for this for over a year and been on meds for it. His body produces too much estrogen and not enough testosterone. The meds assist with this issue, but it hasnít seemed to have done much in terms of our sex life. For example, weíve had intercourse exactly once since the new year, and it was only for a minute or two before he physically wasnít able to continue. We do other sexual things, but it just... it gets the job done, but satisfaction is fleeting and doesnít last long, at least for me. I know from us talking about this a little that heís been in several relationships in the past and that this wasnít a big issue when he was younger. He will be 35 this year.

    I love everything about this man, except for this. Itís not his fault, and heís doing everything he can to try to fix this problem. But I do still feel a little resentment sometimes. I went through this issue with my first boyfriend and it was one of the main reasons I broke up with him. Now that Iím almost 30, I didnít really think that Iíd fall for someone else that has this problem, and I didnít think my sex life would be virtually non-existent at this age.

    I donít know what to do. This guy is everything I want in a man, except for this. I canít reiterate that enough. I love him enough that this problem is still worth ďdealing withĒ. But Iím so scared that eventually Iíll be resentful enough to where it affects our relationship or marriage. And I remember all the prior advice I've given about not settling, and been given to me, and I donít feel like I am settling. I just feel like... like I found the best man for me in every aspect but one, but itís such an important aspect.

    He has an appointment with his urologist today and although we havenít spoken specifically on what heís going to talk to him about, I know he talked about wanting to tell the doctor that the meds arenít working well and that something else needs to be done. So I do think heís aware of me not getting my needs met.

    Anyway, I just needed to get this out there in the open. Iíve been thinking about it for a little while now and I wanted to get some insight.

    EDIT: He went to the urologist and he wanted to talk to him about doing a particular thing to raise his libido, and the doctor "wouldn't recommend it for him at this time". I asked why, but haven't gotten an answer yet.

  2. #2
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    I just want to say I am really sorry about these struggles and challenges. At the risk of being too obvious have you tried sex toys for you?

    Please do not give up hope - it sounds like you might need a second or third opinion?

    Just posting really to show my support.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's such a personal choice. I don't even know how to begin to advise you.

    Has his doctor talked to him about injections? There are injections he can do that go directly into the penis that will cause an erection.

    Part of me wants to tell you that you are still young and there are a lot of men out there.
    The other part of me wants to caution you that every couple will have their challenge. You can trade this one in for another one.
    But there will be a challenge.
    You get to choose what's the most important - to you.
    In the meantime you are allowed to be frustrated.

    I had a relationship (you might recall) with someone who had similar issues. I ended it. But I ended it because there were 5 things he promised he would do in an attempt to see if the issue could be resolved. He only did 2 out of the 5 and within 6 months wasn't doing any of them. He also made it impossible to talk about it in the end. So he made my decision easier.

    At least your guy is willing to do what ever it takes and he is open to talk about it. I guess it boils down to, if you can see yourself living without it for the rest of your life. That's a big one to wrap your head around.
    I don't recall. Do you want a family?

    Funny, as you get older your priorities change and what was important to me in my 20's and 30's isn't on the top of my list now.
    But you just aren't there yet.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I just want to say I am really sorry about these struggles and challenges. At the risk of being too obvious have you tried sex toys for you?

    Please do not give up hope - it sounds like you might need a second or third opinion?

    Just posting really to show my support.
    Thanks for your support. We do use sex toys, or rather, I use them on myself and he "helps in other ways". He has used them on me, but, well, it feels better when I do it, lol. He's fully supportive of them, but I haven't really been able to show or teach him how to use them in a way that I like. I have tried, but I think by the time he gets there, I just lose interest.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    It's such a personal choice. I don't even know how to begin to advise you.

    Has his doctor talked to him about injections? There are injections he can do that go directly into the penis that will cause an erection.

    Part of me wants to tell you that you are still young and there are a lot of men out there.
    The other part of me wants to caution you that every couple will have their challenge. You can trade this one in for another one.
    But there will be a challenge.
    You get to choose what's the most important - to you.
    In the meantime you are allowed to be frustrated.

    I had a relationship (you might recall) with someone who had similar issues. I ended it. But I ended it because there were 5 things he promised he would do in an attempt to see if the issue could be resolved. He only did 2 out of the 5 and within 6 months wasn't doing any of them. He also made it impossible to talk about it in the end. So he made my decision easier.

    At least your guy is willing to do what ever it takes and he is open to talk about it. I guess it boils down to, if you can see yourself living without it for the rest of your life. That's a big one to wrap your head around.
    I don't recall. Do you want a family?

    Funny, as you get older your priorities change and what was important to me in my 20's and 30's isn't on the top of my list now.
    But you just aren't there yet.
    I don't know if his doctor has talked to him about injections. I feel like that must be really humiliating for him, though. He told me once that the doctor offered him pills to assist with bloodflow, like as a sample, but my bf didn't take them and he hasn't mentioned them since, and I don't want to hurt his feelings by asking about it. The thing he wanted to try to assist, it's some sort of chair that, like, helps stimulate the prostate or something like that, but the urologist told him that it's a multi-treatment process, it's expensive, and that he wouldn't recommend he spend the money on it because it's not really helpful for youthful men anyway. His urologist recommended B-12 shots and exercising.


    It's funny because in my early 20s, all I could think about was sex and why I wasn't getting enough of it. In my late 20s, now I just want someone to get along with, someone that can support himself but makes room in his life for me, and someone that I can continue to do all the things I love with. And I have that. But I still want to show him how much I love him with intimacy. It doesn't even have to be "regular" or "often", according to other's standards. But a couple times a month would be nice.

  7. #6
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    When did this problem officially start, or has your boyfriend always had libido issues? I find it interesting that you mention you have been together for several years. If he has always been this way, how have you coped with this issue during the several years you have been together?

    Bottom line, you need to ask yourself if a low libido is really and truly a deal breaker for you (that is, is this something you absolutely will not tolerate in a relationship). No partner can ever be 100% perfect, there will always be SOME qualities about a partner that are disliked. So long as these are qualities that are tolerable (i.e. you can learn to live with it even though you don't like it) the relationship can survive and even thrive. If there are any qualities that are true deal breakers (i.e. intolerable, you cannot live with them and will not accept them) the relationship is doomed to inevitably fail.

    If your boyfriend's low libido is ultimately a deal breaker, this must either be fixed or else you must end the relationship. A relationship can never survive a true deal breaker because you will never be able to accept it, and thus you will never be fully accepting of your partner.

    Just curious: is your boyfriend comfortable with the idea of bringing you along to visit his urologist and discuss possible solutions? It may help to speak with a professional so that you can learn as much as you can about your boyfriend's medical problem as well as all available options.

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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    I don't know if his doctor has talked to him about injections. I feel like that must be really humiliating for him, though. He told me once that the doctor offered him pills to assist with bloodflow, like as a sample, but my bf didn't take them and he hasn't mentioned them since, and I don't want to hurt his feelings by asking about it. The thing he wanted to try to assist, it's some sort of chair that, like, helps stimulate the prostate or something like that, but the urologist told him that it's a multi-treatment process, it's expensive, and that he wouldn't recommend he spend the money on it because it's not really helpful for youthful men anyway. His urologist recommended B-12 shots and exercising.


    It's funny because in my early 20s, all I could think about was sex and why I wasn't getting enough of it. In my late 20s, now I just want someone to get along with, someone that can support himself but makes room in his life for me, and someone that I can continue to do all the things I love with. And I have that. But I still want to show him how much I love him with intimacy. It doesn't even have to be "regular" or "often", according to other's standards. But a couple times a month would be nice.
    Yes- a lot of this stuff can be embarrassing/humiliating. But lots of medical stuff is - colonoscopy prep, the procedure, child birth, labor, etc - it's all a balance. So my question is -is part of your resentment that you think he can do more than he's doing?

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    Are you sure the sex is the only thing bothering you? He sounds willing to try whatever he can in the bedroom.

    If he's getting professional help and you leave him for a medical issues he has no control over, well.. I feel sorry for the man. It's just one part of his body.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes- a lot of this stuff can be embarrassing/humiliating. But lots of medical stuff is - colonoscopy prep, the procedure, child birth, labor, etc - it's all a balance. So my question is -is part of your resentment that you think he can do more than he's doing?
    I feel resentful about the situation, but not about him or everything he's doing. I think he could do a little more exercising, but that in itself is also an issue, because he has lungs problems, too.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    Are you sure the sex is the only thing bothering you? He sounds willing to try whatever he can in the bedroom.

    If he's getting professional help and you leave him for a medical issues he has no control over, well.. I feel sorry for the man. It's just one part of his body.
    Did you even read my entire post?

    He's doing everything he can. He can't help that his body is like this. I don't want to leave him for this. I just wanted to ask for some insight on the situation. What if anything I can do to, or if there's even a problem here at all.

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