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Thread: Intimacy issues - not his fault

  1. #101
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    Three nights of healthy meals (with leftovers to take to work the next day) and 2 nights of going for walks around our block. He's trying, and so am I.
    Awesome!

    You both need this.

    Seriously.

    Keep up the good work! I hope you can give us 1 month, 6 month and 1 year updates, youíre going to be amazed how easily all of this is fixed. 😊 no more blue pill talk until you both get healthy. Motivate each other, you can do this!

  2. #102
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    About to go walking again, and do some lifting at home. We have smaller free weights to use.

  3. #103
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    Three nights of healthy meals (with leftovers to take to work the next day) and 2 nights of going for walks around our block. He's trying, and so am I.
    What will be telling is what he does when you are not home or otherwise not able to go on a walk with him -- you are working late, have a club meeting, are sick. Will he still go for a walk without you? Will he make healthy meal choices if you are not cooking or if you both cook, when you are not there to cook for or to be a dining companion?

    Walking should be daily. Add just a little distance each week.

  4. #104
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What will be telling is what he does when you are not home or otherwise not able to go on a walk with him -- you are working late, have a club meeting, are sick. Will he still go for a walk without you? Will he make healthy meal choices if you are not cooking or if you both cook, when you are not there to cook for or to be a dining companion?

    Walking should be daily. Add just a little distance each week.
    Tomorrow will tell. I am working late and have errands to run after work. He'll be on his own tomorrow night. I'll report back!

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  6. #105
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    This weekend he and I chatted a little about how we haven't really been doing much in terms of exercise for a little while, which in turn means that we haven't really been intimate. For those curious, we have had intercourse once in 2019 and have done oral a handful of times to completion. He made a remark about how he's always touching me, and I said "but not sexually", and he kind of got a little quiet. It feels like he's aware that things aren't ideal, at least for me, and that while I'm happy with him as a partner, I'm having a hard time right now seeing him as anything more than a companion.

    I did realize what some have said here, which is that he's not doing anything on his own, for his own benefit, and only really makes the effort if we do things together. We've gone for walks around our neighborhood a few times, but the heat in my state is just awful, and he is just always constantly hot and uncomfortable, even when not exercising. However, we are getting a treadmill on Thursday, and he "plans" to use it daily when he gets home from work. We'll see, I guess.

    In the meantime, I got the clearance to return to full duty on my ankle last week, so I've been getting myself involved in physical activities to get back to my healthier lifestyle. I've gone kayaking, walking, and last night I went to the gym. I can't keep asking him to be active with me; we have our lives together, yeah, but I also have a lot of things I do on my own that I won't give up for him. He needs to find the motivation to better himself because he wants to, not just because I asked or talked about it. When he exercises with me, I can't push myself, because I can do more than he can.

  7. #106
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    This weekend he and I chatted a little about how we haven't really been doing much in terms of exercise for a little while, which in turn means that we haven't really been intimate. For those curious, we have had intercourse once in 2019 and have done oral a handful of times to completion. He made a remark about how he's always touching me, and I said "but not sexually", and he kind of got a little quiet. It feels like he's aware that things aren't ideal, at least for me, and that while I'm happy with him as a partner, I'm having a hard time right now seeing him as anything more than a companion.

    I did realize what some have said here, which is that he's not doing anything on his own, for his own benefit, and only really makes the effort if we do things together. We've gone for walks around our neighborhood a few times, but the heat in my state is just awful, and he is just always constantly hot and uncomfortable, even when not exercising. However, we are getting a treadmill on Thursday, and he "plans" to use it daily when he gets home from work. We'll see, I guess.

    In the meantime, I got the clearance to return to full duty on my ankle last week, so I've been getting myself involved in physical activities to get back to my healthier lifestyle. I've gone kayaking, walking, and last night I went to the gym. I can't keep asking him to be active with me; we have our lives together, yeah, but I also have a lot of things I do on my own that I won't give up for him. He needs to find the motivation to better himself because he wants to, not just because I asked or talked about it. When he exercises with me, I can't push myself, because I can do more than he can.
    Then walk the mall (without stopping at the food court), or join a gym. There surely is a pool somewhere to exercise in. Heat is not an excuse.
    Honestly, if you want to push yourself exercising, then do it. If he can't jog, you jog around the block twice and lap him while he walks.
    If he is not motivated by the fact that you are unhappy and miss intimacy, he may not be motivated to do anything unless he loses you, unfortunately.
    Maybe it will take time, after he sees some results, for him to be motivated to do it on his own. that could be. But i can see how that is frustrating.
    Is there a class at the gym his doc recommends? I know there is stretching for pregnant ladies, a class for people who had been in injury rehab, etc, there must be one that is for people who are in his situation or something physical therapist approved that he can do without you

  8. #107
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    In the meantime, I got the clearance to return to full duty on my ankle last week, so I've been getting myself involved in physical activities to get back to my healthier lifestyle. I've gone kayaking, walking, and last night I went to the gym. I can't keep asking him to be active with me; we have our lives together, yeah, but I also have a lot of things I do on my own that I won't give up for him. He needs to find the motivation to better himself because he wants to, not just because I asked or talked about it. When he exercises with me, I can't push myself, because I can do more than he can.
    That part in bold! Keep being active and doing what you love... don't bend to his unhealthy habits... if he really wants to be with you, and wants to participate in life with you, he will eventually pick up the ball without you nagging or dragging him along. I have found this with all of my relationships... friendships, romantic partnerships... if I stay focused on my own health goals it seems to have a positive impact on those around me without me having to do or say anything except be myself.

  9. #108
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    I agree with the above. I live in a hot /humid climate and we just returned from 5-6 day beach road trip with our child in an even hotter climate. I had a treadmill available for two of the days which I used. But not for the other 4. I skipped zero days of those 4 by doing a little prep -we were at a campground so I researched the available trails (my power walk is 2.3-2.5 miles/day takes about 30-32 minutes) - and looked around to see what would be safest for me. Then I made sure to be outside by 7am to avoid the heat of the day. You make it work if you're motivated. For me my daily power walk is essential like brushing my teeth for several reasons even though I am thin.

  10. #109
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Last night we got a treadmill and moved it into our workout room. Today I said that no matter what I have going on, I would like to make sure I spend a little bit of time each day on the treadmill at least (we are picking up a weight bench set this weekend also). I asked him what goals he would like to set for himself, and he said he would like to watch a half-hour show on Netflix on his phone while he hits the treadmill every day, but if he has the time he will do 45 minutes to an hour instead. Once we get the weight bench, he will start lifting.

    I have a gym membership, and I am going to keep it because I go with some of my sport team, but now he has what he needs to be active daily without excuses.

  11. #110
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    When I got home from work yesterday, BF was in the last minute of his 30 minute treadmill walk.

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