I lost myself because of my relationship. Help.

Hi, I never thought I’d post on any forum ever but I literally have no one to talk to and I’m just so clueless. Long story short, I moved really far met new people and I’ve always been the constantly-smiling, humorous, happy, social girl, I’ve always had so many people to talk to, I got along with everyone and I was constantly going out with close friends to parties etc. Then, after two years of this constant social life I met my current boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year. We were so different at the time, we didn’t have mutual friends and our interests weren’t the same. Still, we would speak a lot and eventually got together. Me and everyone else were shocked at first because we just seemed like the most random match ever. He was interesting and i was just really curious what it’s be like with him. He’s deeply in love with me and I truly care and love him too. He’s really caring so when I ask him for help he’ll always try his best and I can see how much he loves me but I admit he’s just unthoughtful and selfish. I’d say he even acts like a stupid person although he’s intelligent. So, since I’ve been with him I was trying so hard to have my first serious relationship (all of my other ones before I’ve been cheated on, his previous girlfriends have cheated on I’m too) that I gave him all of my time, stopped seeing my friends (because he was scared to lose me apparently, however I know it’s because he’s jealous and always thinks other men will make me cheat) and when I want to see a friend he gets annoyed, reads my messages and then goes out himself on purpose with people he knows I don’t like just to annoy me. It’s like I’m trapped, like I always know he’ll try to come up with some sort of ‘pay back’. I used to be so confident, I wouldn’t ever get jealous. And now I lost confidence because I never see any people apart from him, and even though he says I’m beautiful all the time, he is stupid enough to say ‘I wish you worked out, you’d be so beautiful then’ when he sees a pretty girl. It makes me so sad. Especially that I know that if I said that he’d be mad. I’m so insecure, i constantly worry about what i look like, like I feel comfortable around him I can be myself in some way but then I’m embarrassed when he looks at me when I don’t have my makeup on. I work out just so that he doesn’t compare me to others. I got so used to him being jealous that I said to him that it should go both ways, so now I’m also the psycho that gets insecure when he goes out without me just because he didn’t let me in he first place, so maybe I got used to it and see it as normal behaviour. Before him, I was never the jealous type. I wouldn’t mind my ex’s seeing their friends that were girls but with my current one I feel insane! I’m not the Same person, my confidence is at 0, I’m so jealous and constantly think that when I’m not there he’s just looking at other girls and wishing I was like them. It’s so crazy because I know we both love each other and we know it’s getting worse and worse and want to fix it but a relationship without confidence and trust is just a bad idea. I want to make it work we have so many plans together but I always make myself suffer and worry thinking about our relationship and horrible things he’s said in the past, then reminding myself that he loves me. I really don’t know. Is he a bad person? Am I not ready? Is he? Shouldn’t a relationship make me a better person instead of worse? Some days I don’t even want to kiss him and others I’ll happily cuddle with him. Some bad memories are stuck in my head and I constantly remind myself of them, like that time he said I should work out to look like her. I can’t concentrate on anything because of the over thinking and worry it’s hard. I am so sorry for making this so long but it was hard putting all my thoughts into one place. I’ll appreciate everyone’s help.

Paragraphs would be good....

At any rate, what you do you actually like about this relationship?

I’m sorry for the lack of paragraphs.

I guess it’s sad that it was hard for me to think of things I like but I’d say it’s the fact that I have one person I can do everything with. Having someone that I can always expect to help and support me is good. Our sex life is good and I like the feeling of being loved. When I think about it there’s more negatives than positives but I do love him

He's emotionally manipulative and you're easily vulnerable most likely because you've not encountered this before in such scope or depth. Your emotions will tell you everything you need to know about a situation. That you feel embarrassed, insecure and annoyed are telltale signs that this relationship is not what it should be. Every one of us has had some experience or hand in creating unhealthy situations for ourselves. You are not less than, you are not to blame for your situation but you should take some responsibility for what's going on. You owe it to yourself to right your life back again and stop engaging in behaviours and situations have been proven unhealthy. That it's happened is not always your fault. That you continue to stay in it is on YOU.

Yes, a relationship should uplift you and reinstate everything that you already believe in. It should make you more of you and no other lesser version of yourself. A healthy relationship will expose your flaws and there should be synergy to propel you to be a better person individually and as a couple. That synergy is 1+1=3 and the energy should be tripled and quadrupled ten thousand times over. Both of you should have enough inside of you to accomplish any manner of things you put yourself to, support each other and also rely on your own inner strength. It should never divide you, break you, run you down, make you second guess yourself or destroy you. Please reconsider this relationship and where this path is headed.

I’m sorry for the lack of paragraphs.

I guess it’s sad that it was hard for me to think of things I like but I’d say it’s the fact that I have one person I can do everything with. Having someone that I can always expect to help and support me is good. Our sex life is good and I like the feeling of being loved. When I think about it there’s more negatives than positives but I do love him

But is what's in bold even true? He diminishes and devalues you, he makes you feel insecure and downright crazy, he constantly makes you feel less than, he has left you isolated, he has sucked the joy and life out of you....these are your own words I'm using....

"I gave him all of my time, stopped seeing my friends (because he was scared to lose me apparently, however I know it’s because he’s jealous and always thinks other men will make me cheat) and when I want to see a friend he gets annoyed, reads my messages and then goes out himself on purpose with people he knows I don’t like just to annoy me. It’s like I’m trapped, like I always know he’ll try to come up with some sort of ‘pay back’." Why would you think any of this is okay? He is controlling and manipulative! If someone wants to isolate you, you should know that this is very unhealthy and not sustainable. He also does not trust you, due to his boatload of insecurities. What is attractive about any of this?

He should NOT be reading any of your messages. You stay because of the sex. Oh goodness.

Why would you want this to work? He has torn you down to nothing. He is a bully and enjoys controlling and hurting you. Get out!

Get rid of this insecure control freak! You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

You should also seek counseling.

You need to get rid of this guy. He's bad news and damaging to you. Whether it's collateral damage from his being a self absorbed, immature jerk or damage that he intentionally produces to cut you down to size doesn't matter. What matters is educating yourself on healthy relationships vs controlling relationships. Talk to a trusted adult and consider some short term therapy to explore what's really going on here and what you want for yourself in the future.

Shouldn’t a relationship make me a better person instead of worse?

he said I should work out to look like her.