Hi, I never thought I’d post on any forum ever but I literally have no one to talk to and I’m just so clueless. Long story short, I moved really far met new people and I’ve always been the constantly-smiling, humorous, happy, social girl, I’ve always had so many people to talk to, I got along with everyone and I was constantly going out with close friends to parties etc. Then, after two years of this constant social life I met my current boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year. We were so different at the time, we didn’t have mutual friends and our interests weren’t the same. Still, we would speak a lot and eventually got together. Me and everyone else were shocked at first because we just seemed like the most random match ever. He was interesting and i was just really curious what it’s be like with him. He’s deeply in love with me and I truly care and love him too. He’s really caring so when I ask him for help he’ll always try his best and I can see how much he loves me but I admit he’s just unthoughtful and selfish. I’d say he even acts like a stupid person although he’s intelligent. So, since I’ve been with him I was trying so hard to have my first serious relationship (all of my other ones before I’ve been cheated on, his previous girlfriends have cheated on I’m too) that I gave him all of my time, stopped seeing my friends (because he was scared to lose me apparently, however I know it’s because he’s jealous and always thinks other men will make me cheat) and when I want to see a friend he gets annoyed, reads my messages and then goes out himself on purpose with people he knows I don’t like just to annoy me. It’s like I’m trapped, like I always know he’ll try to come up with some sort of ‘pay back’. I used to be so confident, I wouldn’t ever get jealous. And now I lost confidence because I never see any people apart from him, and even though he says I’m beautiful all the time, he is stupid enough to say ‘I wish you worked out, you’d be so beautiful then’ when he sees a pretty girl. It makes me so sad. Especially that I know that if I said that he’d be mad. I’m so insecure, i constantly worry about what i look like, like I feel comfortable around him I can be myself in some way but then I’m embarrassed when he looks at me when I don’t have my makeup on. I work out just so that he doesn’t compare me to others. I got so used to him being jealous that I said to him that it should go both ways, so now I’m also the psycho that gets insecure when he goes out without me just because he didn’t let me in he first place, so maybe I got used to it and see it as normal behaviour. Before him, I was never the jealous type. I wouldn’t mind my ex’s seeing their friends that were girls but with my current one I feel insane! I’m not the Same person, my confidence is at 0, I’m so jealous and constantly think that when I’m not there he’s just looking at other girls and wishing I was like them. It’s so crazy because I know we both love each other and we know it’s getting worse and worse and want to fix it but a relationship without confidence and trust is just a bad idea. I want to make it work we have so many plans together but I always make myself suffer and worry thinking about our relationship and horrible things he’s said in the past, then reminding myself that he loves me. I really don’t know. Is he a bad person? Am I not ready? Is he? Shouldn’t a relationship make me a better person instead of worse? Some days I don’t even want to kiss him and others I’ll happily cuddle with him. Some bad memories are stuck in my head and I constantly remind myself of them, like that time he said I should work out to look like her. I can’t concentrate on anything because of the over thinking and worry it’s hard. I am so sorry for making this so long but it was hard putting all my thoughts into one place. I’ll appreciate everyone’s help.
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