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Thread: Should I continue to be friends with my ex girlfriend?

  1. #1

    Should I continue to be friends with my ex girlfriend?

    Well let’s jump to it. I guess I have to start by saying that I’m not one to really express myself nor do I have any friends or family to ask for advice, as I dread letting others in on my personal matters (this could be part of the problem ((keep reading to find out why)). I met my ex via twitter about 3/4 years ago at a very low time in my life. I was going through a heavy depression having lost one of my aunts....& it didn’t help that all of this happened while I was in my 10th year of high school when I was struggling to figure myself out..struggling to figure my life out.

    During that time, I became so insecure and pushed everyone out (including close friends and family) to the point where I was feeling deeply saddened and alone.

    The feeling of emptiness and loneliness ate at me terribly which caused me to seek some sort of relationship....that’s when I discovered her on Twitter AND man is she gorgeous! Immediately when I saw her profile pic, I knew that she was the type of girl that would probably never date someone like me. It kinda reminded me of the movies where the pretty girl goes for the bad boy (never the lame) type of thing if you know what I mean.

    The insecurity set in and it led me to believe that the only way I could even begin to talk to her was if I changed the way she perceived me. I figured I didn’t have to change much because she would never see me in person and that this would just be some sort of thing to help cheer me up. Something to aid my loneliness. I honestly never saw us becoming more than just “text buddies”.

    Anyways, I texted something along the lines of: “hey, you’re really pretty. Discovered you on Twitter we should talk more.”

    I lied to her about my name and other things she would ask me about.. I was terrified of her thinking that I was boring and/or unattractive. AND NO I did not catfish her lol. All the pics/vids I sent her were of me so chill out. We continued to talk for more than I anticipated and I’m starting to really enjoy talking to her. Fast forward to late night phone calls and then we finally express feelings for one another. I was so in the moment with her that I didn’t even realize that lying to her could ultimately hurt her and weaken our relationship. Mind you, we are still in high school and living on two opposite sides of the country. I don’t even know why we thought that a “long distance relationship” could work at that time of our lives. If I told my mom I was in a relationship with a girl I met on the internet she would’ve flipped her shizznit.

    The more our relationship developed, the more I became anxious with trying to keep up the “act”...it was really starting to eat me up. I didn’t know whether I should just tell her everything and risk her leaving me or just keep going with the flow. I think she suspected I was hiding certain parts of my life from her...even on our FaceTime calls I would hide my face..again this insecurity thing is really bad with me and goes way back to early child hood (another advice forum maybe?).

    We’re maybe a year or 2 in our “relationship” and I found out via twitter that she was in a whole other relationship. Pictures, videos everything. I can’t even explain to you how heart broken I was. So many things hurt me all at once. I remember laying in the bed feeling so many emotions that it was hard for me to breathe. As you can imagine, all the little confidence and security I had just went to sh**. A part of me felt like I deserved it because of the lies that I told her. I felt like maybe she cheated because she felt like I was not being true. So many thoughts running through my brain. At this point, I still have not come out and express who I am to her. I honestly didn’t know if it was a good thing to do...the cheating made me feel like she was never really in to me and that maybe she felt how I felt in the beginning that I was —“just someone to cheer her up”. I didn’t want to risk being vulnerable & open up to her only to be left heart broken.

    I told her I knew that she was in a relationship and she said something along the lines of “she didn’t know what to say...” she may have apologized for it—I can’t remember. Fast forward, we stop talking. Couple months later she texts me saying that she misses me and still wants to be friends. We become friends again but more like friends with benefits (not really, because during this time we are only communicating via text/phone).

    I find out again that she’s in a relationship. But it wasn’t really “cheating” now that I look back at it because the second time around things weren’t official. I was still hurt because I was emotionally invested with her.

    I finally told her I lied about who I was....

    She was hurt but she said she forgave me. She began drifting away from me again. We stopped talking until just recently. I reached out to her again because during our no contact I began working on bettering myself and reevaluating our relationship/friendship. I also realized that I never explained to her why i lied to her in the first place.

    So I send a text after months of no contact: “ hey, hope you’re doing well. I would like to FaceTime you and really give you a proper apology”.

    Why? I did this for me and for her..I thought that if I apologized on FaceTime that she would really know I was sincere (considering she knew how difficult it was for me to do anything like this before) I wanted to provide her closure and I felt like it would make me feel better.

    She says: “omg just saw something you did on Instagram....sure you can FaceTime me hold on...”

    I’m nervous. Palms sweating. Body shaking.
    She answers and all I see is those beautiful brown eyes staring back at mine...This was really the first time in all of our years of talking where I completely put myself in front of the camera where she could see everything. I couldn’t help but to smile and she smiled back. Instead of looking like more of an idiot than I already did, I read the speech I had wrote for her.

    I finished. She cried a little. We both kind of shifted the conversation a little bit. I’m feeling happy. Accomplished to say the least.

    She waves her hand towards the camera and I see a ring on her finger. I was shocked.

    Before I let a million things run through my mind I choked and said “Congratulations.”

    From there, i will honestly say I was sad in knowing that I was never going to have a chance to be with her but a part of me was happy that being with me didn’t ruin the chances of her finding true love. So I settled with the notion that we could be friends.

    Couple months later. The engagement is off.
    And no, that doesn’t mean that I thought I could just slip into being with her again. I was really enjoying just being her friend and hoping we could be better friends. I will say that because we were more than friends at some point, some times it was hard to communicate. I felt like I couldn’t say: “wow, you look good in that dress” or send her certain emojis because she might think that I am coming on to her. I think she felt the same way.

    The problem that I am facing now is that we both have lack of trust with one another. And we both aren’t good with expressing our feelings. We have never taken the moment to have an in depth conversation of what we want our future relationship to look like. The last time I texted her, she didn’t respond. (I sent her a video about me dreading my hair.) I don’t know if the universe is telling me to just walk way or that I should give it one last chance and text her that we should talk. A part of me feels like if we communicated more and built the trust back we could be the best of friends.

    Right now our relationship is stressing me out because I don’t know if I should double text her. Worrying if that comes off as too clingy. I don’t know how to balance talking to her because it’s not like an “in-person” relationship. I don’t know if she just needs space. If you’ve managed to read through the end of this mess. Please help.

  2. #2
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    She gathers boys on social media and gathers boyfriends.
    She is it seems an attention seeker and you are just one of those boys.

    Thats all.

  3. #3
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    Forget this girl, she is no good and for your part,drop any acts in future. JUst be yourself and if you are not happy with who you are then try and improve yourself slowly. This all sounds totally ridiculous.

    If you are happy remaining stuck in this waste of time and energy friendhsip situation which stops you from moving on then remain her fake friend. If you want to move on and be happy in life cut all contact.

    You don't trust one another because there is no trust, you both lied which is how the relationship started and that is why it ended.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In this case, it would be best to move forward, not backward.
    Originally Posted by cakestoast
    I was really enjoying just being her friend and hoping we could be better friends. I will say that because we were more than friends at some point, some times it was hard to communicate.

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  6. #5
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    It sounds to me like you got far more attached than she ever did, and you didn't realize that you two were not actually in a relationship. I get that you spoke a lot and she should have been honest that she had a boyfriend, but I don't get the impression that she knew you thought you were her boyfriend. Did you two ever label yourself as a couple, or?

    You have never met in person either, from what I gather. This isn't a relationship, and it never was. She is off living her life, as you should be too. The lying didn't help but I don't think there ever really was potential here. You live very far apart and she has been dating other guys since you met. So while you have been building this up to be deep romantic connection, she is treating you like the guy she comes to for attention when her real-life interests aren't around.

    As such, no, you should not try to keep this friendship going. You are limiting yourself by hoping this far-away, online girl turns into something more when the right girl for you might already be out in your neighbourhood somewhere.

  7. #6
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    Be yourself, don't lie and find someone local.

    She is not your friend and you aren't hers. Friendships are not built on lies. Move on.

  8. #7
    Yes, we did label ourselves as a couple. No I have never met her in person. I guess the only reason I am stuck is because we started talking when we were very young (16 maybe) We are still young and in our 20s now. We have never ever had a mature conversation about how we both felt. You know? its this millennial thing where everyone is afraid to communicate and be vulnerable. I feel like if we were to start over and be honest there is potential to become real friends. Just dont know if its worth it

  9. #8
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    I don't think she's interested in keeping this friendship alive, OP. She hasn't responded to you, which should tell you something about her interest level.

    It seems that as she has gotten older, the novelty of an online romance lost its allure she has matured out of that phase. She doesn't want to be tethered to something so intangible. That's not say that you aren't a good person, but that virtual teen romance is in her rearview mirror now. Real life happening around her with people she can meet and interact with in real-time is more appealing.

    It would be wise to let this go, so that you can move on the way she already has.

  10. #9
    Ok, it makes sense now. Thank you

  11. #10
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    I tohught you had been meeting up!?! NEver met in person?? Forget all this!


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