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Thread: The mother of my boyfriends children is causing issues.

  1. #1

    The mother of my boyfriends children is causing issues.

    Iíve been dating my boyfriend for a few months, he has a 3 year old and a 4 month old(only found out it was his while we were dating) with his ex girlfriend. They had originally broken up because she was cheating on him and said she was pregnant and it wasnít his. They currently had mediation for custody and she refused to compromise so they are going to court. She has since been trying to make life very difficult for him.
    He does construction and relies on the weather for some jobs, recently due to rain he has fallen behind on his jobs which led to him paying the daycare late. She has been messaging him constantly saying that she canít wait for him to die etc.
    I have yet to meet her however this morning I woke up to several messages from her on Instagram saying that heís cheating on me with her, that he uses girls for money that heís a deadbeat. Then sends a picture of them in bed, which I can see by his haircut was before we met. She sent me screenshots of messages heís sent her which can easily be taken out of context.
    I have no desire to respond to her. But Iím not really sure how to proceed.

  2. #2
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    Why would you sign up for this mess? You have only been dating this guy for a coupe of months. Cut your losses and find someone in a more stable situation.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Does your boyfriend know she's messaging you privately and sending these types of messages? As busy as he is, he should be managing that relationship with his ex a bit more reliably along with his other commitments like being a dad, working, creating safe and harmonious boundaries having met someone new (you) etc. Their relationship is volatile with a young baby so if you're going to stick around, be prepared for more difficult times. It's a very busy time for them. You can either stay and help out (you are most likely required to be the 'rock' in the relationship) or you can take your leave. You are free to go. It's your choice how you wish to live your life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take what she tells you with a grain of salt, but keep in mind that she knows him a lot longer and a lot better than you do. The best way to proceed is to realize your bf brought this mess upon himself and the smartest thing to do is cut your losses.
    Originally Posted by Lifesabeach
    this morning I woke up to several messages from her on Instagram saying that heís cheating on me with her, that he uses girls for money that heís a deadbeat

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  6. #5
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    ďHe does construction and relies on the weather for some jobs, recently due to rain he has fallen behind on his jobs which led to him paying the daycare lateď

    And he is well aware that his income isnít regular because itís weather dependant , so what is he doing to save for that buffer money while earning plenty to cover the low income times?
    His children , his responsibility.
    His child allowance is supposed to be a regular payment , the mother of his children includes that in her budget.
    Why should she have to include potential non payment from him in her budget. ??

    He certainly doesnít sound like his children are a high priority to him to allow his funds get so low that he canít provide for them.

    Unfortunately for his ex , she is tied to him for 18 years.
    You barely know him and can walk away.

    As for her messages to you , well she is a single mum with a very young child.
    She possibly is just being vengeful but she is likely frustrated at his irresponsible self.

    Do you really want to date this guy? And why?

  7. #6
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    If your boyfriend is smart, he will not react at all to these messages and reply in an amicable manner.

    He needs to keep these messages and also the ones sent to you and use this as evidence for court.

    Her messages clearly indicate that sheís mentally unstable and shouldnít be the primary carer of his children. With a good lawyer on his side he can ensure his ex gets the help she needs, before she damages their children any further..... put your issues aside and help him save his children, thatís all that matters in this situation.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Matt0050
    If your boyfriend is smart, he will not react at all to these messages and reply in an amicable manner.

    He needs to keep these messages and also the ones sent to you and use this as evidence for court.

    Her messages clearly indicate that sheís mentally unstable and shouldnít be the primary carer of his children. With a good lawyer on his side he can ensure his ex gets the help she needs, before she damages their children any further..... put your issues aside and help him save his children, thatís all that matters in this situation.
    Do you think he should be primary carer since he canít meet standard payments to provide for his children?
    Iím not condoning her actions at all but if she is struggling to feed the kids for example and dependant on a fair and agreed contribution from him for his kids then yes she might lash out and want him to stop spending money elsewhere before his kids. Not the most proper way to go about it but Iíd love to hear the OPís opinion on this?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The guy hasn't yet stabilized his life beyond his breakup, so he's not even dating material at this time. You're positioning yourself badly, right in the middle of his mess, and that's rebound territory.

    I'd tell him that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future, so that's why I'm walking away to preserve that potential. He gets to work out his old business and resolve it to the degree that his ex no longer feels compelled to contact ME. In a few months, after he's got his past handled and is stabilized, he can reach out to let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish him the best.

    If you'd prefer to hunker down and stay involved in BF's chaos, you're choosing to anchor yourself into it and will be associated with this messy time in his life. Chances are, you'll also get a speech someday about what a great person you are, but the guy really should have taken more time to be single and 'find himself'.

    That's the rebound effect of trying to hold onto someone who isn't relationship material. You get to be the bandage to his wounds that absorbs all the toxins and helps him to heal. But then, what happens to bandages after the healing occurs?

    Head high, and be smart.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    I dated someone for 3 years going through a mess like this. Ultimately, his inability to form boundaries with her is what made me end it. And it took me a very long time to move on and learn to trust again. So I truly understand where you're coming from.

    Why are you settling for this mess? You know that as long as she is in the picture, you will be putting up with this. Do yourself a favor and back out now before more feelings are hurt. If you and he are meant to find each other again, only let it happen when all the legalities are in place and you don't have to deal with her.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, he can't just roll up to her house and give a right hook every time she inappropriately messages you. She's an autonomous human being and beyond asking her to stop, there's not a whole lot he can do to "establish boundaries." I don't get why you don't block her on instagram.

    Regardless, it appears he stuck his penis in a rightly or wrongly very vindictive and retributive woman. He has a kid with her, so it limits his options into cutting her out of his life for his part. He's gonna have to demonstrate himself enough of a catch for any decent woman to deem it worth it to assert their own boundaries with his ex (blocking her, for example). It doesn't have to be a character judgment to simply point out that right now, he's not really worth it. He's got a million and one things to sort out before entertaining the idea of balancing a romance on top of it.

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