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Thread: One night stand before official

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Yes it's possible to get over it... you need to own your part here. Your envy, jealousy and insecurity is your problem not his. My guess is that there are more problems underneath the surface of this one that are triggering these feelings for you... either problems with you or problems with the relationship.

    You need to take some personal responsibility and deal with whatever these are and move forward if you want your marriage to work.

  2. #12
    Member EclipseCross's Avatar
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    But you weren't in relationship when it happened.
    There's always going to be some ex, so just try to not think about it.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you don't like it, you don't like it. Period. You do not have to keep putting yourself in the position where you have to get comfortable with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I'd postpone the marriage date and find out more about each other. You are not comfortable with his past and that is entirely valid. Use your instincts and stop pushing these gut instincts into the ground. You're born with them for a reason and not listening to them is just foolish.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HannahWood
    We were basically online dating when it happened... we were talking intimately. I think I’m battling jealousy with his past relationships/encounters
    and I think you shouldn't marry someone you hardly know and whom you can't put in the past something he did when you two hadn't even met. If you love him enough to want to marry him this quick, why did you kiss that other guy? If anything, the both of you weren't very faithful during your pre meeting "intimate talking."

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The problem with that type of demon is that there is no resolution, since the past can not be changed or undone. Pick your battles..and if you want issues at least pick some that can be changed/improved. Unless you need a reason to have an unchangeable thing hanging over his head?
    Originally Posted by HannahWood
    We were basically online dating when it happened... we were talking intimately. I think I’m battling jealousy with his past relationships/encounters

  7. #16
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    Online “dating” isn’t dating.

    He was a stranger to you even if you two were sexting, and free to see others.

  8. #17
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    Yeah I'm a bit baffled by this on line "dating" thing.

    I've asked this before on other threads but never got a proper answer.

    How does this work exactly? Can you describe what your typical "on line date" entails?

    Do you eat dinner together on line for example? Over Skype or something?

    How about sharing a kiss, and other intimate acts?

    Going for a walk together? Sharing an activity together?

    I'm not being flip, promise, I am really curious.

    Were you exclusively dating on line?

    Did you discuss and agree, is that why you feel hurt and betrayed by his actions before you met in person?

    Frankly I need more context and understanding of your on line dynamic so if you could answer these questions, it would be much appreciated.

  9. #18
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    Nothing matters until you met. I think getting married within a year is really fast and that you should postpone the wedding to get to know eachother better. Date for real. Push the wedding back a full year. Two would be even better.

    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Online “dating” isn’t dating.

    He was a stranger to you even if you two were sexting, and free to see others.
    Online dating meaning you are matched online and then you meet. texting is not a relationship if you have not met.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken

    Online dating meaning you are matched online and then you meet. texting is not a relationship if you have not met.
    Yup, and to add, OP dating is going out on actual dates. Spending real time together, dinner, movies, drinks, happy hours, events, shared activities, etc. In person.

    What you were doing, talking/chatting, was "interacting" on line, huge difference.

    People often mistake the two, which trips them up as when they view it as "dating" their expectations increase, and when the person you're 'interacting' with doesn't meet those expectations, feelings get hurt, resentment builds, confusion and doubts set in, just as is happening now with you.

    You have a right to your feelings/jealousy, we all do, but it's wrong to impose those feelings on him as he did nothing "wrong" per se, you were not exclusively dating, heck you were not even dating, you were simply chatting/interacting on line.

    My advice moving forward is when meeting someone on line, keep things in persprctive until you meet in person.

    Chat/talk, have fun w each other, but lower your expectations and never view it as a "dating" situation.

    You should both be meeting and dating others in real life (including sex if you want) and if/when you meet in person and the chemistry is there, then start dating.

    But talking/chatting on line?? That is not "dating."

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    But talking/chatting on line?? That is not "dating."
    I dunno. It just seems to becoming more and more `normal'
    It's the sign of the times, I suppose. I am assuming these people are spending hours face timing, etc.

    (I had an ex who would travel for work and wanted us to watch a tv shows together, while skyping and I shut that idea down quickly)

    But I wholeheartedly agree. It does not in an way replace a RL day to day relationship.
    It's also probably no surprise that most of these fail when and if they ever cross over in the real world.

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