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My fiance searches sexual Instagram models while I'm in the shower.


Cbear01

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So I guess I don't really know where to start, i have been in a serious relationship with my fiance for over 3 years, we have been engaged for a year. All has been great and we never have any problems or issues until recently. So as most people are on social media we see post, likes etc from our friends, I noticed about 6 months ago he was progressively following those half naked sexual Instagram pages, and constantly liking the photos on them, it really bothered me, I stayed quite for a bit trying to get my own head over my personal insecurities but it was making me so volatile so I spoke to him about it, I got upset and explained that it made me feel inadequate and that I wasnt enough for him if he felt the need to constantly look at other girls.

He apologised and unfollowed them straight away. I felt bad for feeling like I made him do it but then whenever he was on his phone on instagram I didn't feel paranoid so it helped us.

 

He has been quite secretive with his phone over the last few weeks and never really goes on Instagram much when I'm sat with him, or if he does he scrolls a little then comes off. He hasn't followed them again but when I'm not with him hes on it constantly. so I had a weird feeling about it, I didnt say anything and just carried on as normal, I was over at the weekend and in the morning we sit and have breakfast, watch some TV and check some things on our phones, we were both on Instagram and it was all fine, talking about people we mutually follow, then we went to get ready, I showered first and started getting ready, he left his phone on the bed which is a rare thing, I never snoop ever, but I had a gut feeling and I had to check something, I was right... I went on his Instagram and while I was in the shower he had searched several of the sexual half naked girls he use to follow. They were the most recent too so while I was naked in the shower he was looking at other girls.... I am positive he searches them regularly aswell and I now have the same inadequate feeling as before but now have no idea what to do!

 

I get stuck in my own head wondering what he might think and if he looks at those photos or those girls and then thinks about them when we are intimate, does he get turned on by them then has sex with me because of them.... I just dont understand why he needs to?

 

He always says he loves me the way I am but this makes me question it, I will never have a body like theirs, before anyone thinks no I didnt let myself go in the relationship either, I still make effort with the way I look and still shave my legs etc basically everyday, I'm 5ft 3inch and 62kgs so I'm not overweight, I have curves but they generally seem to be in alright places.

 

I just keep getting scared hes going to cheat on me with someone he prefers the look of, and I get paranoid around women hes friends with. I need some perspective on this, am I over reacting or should I be worried?

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When are you getting married? Do you live together? Try not to focus this much on social media. Keep in mind a man can look at sexy women wherever he goes and anywhere, any time. No one needs instagram for that. Hopefully you are getting premarital counselling . It will help open the dialogue about boundaries, communication, expectations, etc.

 

If you are so insecure that you need to police his social media activity, it's time to reflect on how you can improve that and not make the relationship toxic with jealousy, insecurity and controlling behaviors. If you think he's a cad, ladies man, etc, then just don't marry the guy.

i have been in a serious relationship with my fiance for over 3 years, we have been engaged for a year.
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We haven't set a date yet and we dont live together correctly due to finances, we both had some work changes and just can not afford rent and Bills currently. I understand guys look at other girls but my issue is how accessible it is on Instagram and how often he is on it. I've only had these insecurities since the first issue when I know hes looking at them, I felt great about our relationship until I knew he was looking, him doing that is what makes me insecure about myself, i want to work on my body and everything else but I'm relatively happy with how I look most of the time.

I just dont know if hes looking at them when I'm in bed next to him, like he was when I was in the shower, i should be enough though right? Or are guys just greedy?

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Do you both live with your parents? No one can "make you insecure". Therapy, whether alone to address your insecurities, ego, etc or jointly to address communication, boundaries, etc would help to sort all this out. You have some choices. Work on yourself. Reconsider the marriage if you feel he will be unfaithful because he looks at other women.

We haven't set a date yet and we dont live together correctly due to finances

makes me insecure about myself, i want to work on my body

i should be enough though right?

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Yes we live with parents, well I disagree with that, it has definitely made me insecure when I wasn't before.... are all guys like that though? I get single guys will but when they're in a committed relationship is it normal to actively search other girls?

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Do you feel he is ready for a committed relationship? Do you think he is disrespectful? Do you think he uses the photos to masturbate to, since you live apart and have no privacy? Some questions to ponder. No, a man in a committed relationship should not be on dating sites or looking for opportunities outside of the relationship.

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I think he wouldn't have proposed to me if he wasnt ready to be in a committed relationship, I never hinted for him to so that was all off his own back! I think its disrespectful towards the relationship for him to be looking at these girls. That's what worries me, as egotistical as this may sound if he needed to masterbate I wouldn't want him doing it at the thought of another girl, he shouldn't need to because we see each other enough for him to not need to.... hes not on dating sites just constantly on different girls instagrams.

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I think he wouldn't have proposed to me if he wasnt ready to be in a committed relationship, I never hinted for him to so that was all off his own back! I think its disrespectful towards the relationship for him to be looking at these girls. That's what worries me, as egotistical as this may sound if he needed to masterbate I wouldn't want him doing it at the thought of another girl, he shouldn't need to because we see each other enough for him to not need to.... hes not on dating sites just constantly on different girls instagrams.

 

He is happy to commit. You aren’t.

You were secure in your relationship when you naively thought he didn’t look at other women , online or off.

He hasn’t changed , he’s been looking at other women and not cheated for 3 years.

You stumbled on this reality 6 months ago. YOU changed.

 

Just end the relationship if you can’t commit to it or feel secure in yourself.

It will die a slow death anyway if you continue to try control him.

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I think he wouldn't have proposed to me if he wasnt ready to be in a committed relationship, I never hinted for him to so that was all off his own back! I think its disrespectful towards the relationship for him to be looking at these girls. That's what worries me, as egotistical as this may sound if he needed to masterbate I wouldn't want him doing it at the thought of another girl, he shouldn't need to because we see each other enough for him to not need to.... hes not on dating sites just constantly on different girls instagrams.

 

Sorry, But I'm going to break it to you. Women are going to look at other guys and fantasize. Guys are going to look at other women and fantasize. You invaded his privacy because you were paranoid. You don't trust him.

 

It doesn't matter what he's looking at or fantasizing during sex if he's giving you his attention and affection.

 

I'd speak differently if he were trying to contact and hook up with these girls or making inappropriate comments on the pictures etc, but as of right now that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

 

If this is really a dealbreaker for you, then you should step back from the relationship because you are not ready. Work on your insecurities and your boundaries.

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Once again, yet another thread depicting how social media is destroying what was once a loving, trusting relationship.

 

If you are interested OP, yesterday I posted about a documentary I watched hosted by Diane Sawyer (ABC News) about this very thing.

 

And how social media has become literally an addiction in our society today.

 

One man interviewed spoke about his wife of 18 years doing same as your bf, with approx 1800 followers on Instagram, and how her IG activity is adversely affecting their marriage.

 

I agree with Wisemsn, it's about boundaries. Both yours and his. Pre-marital counseling might help.

 

At issue here is not about what's "right" or "wrong" it's that your respective boundaries don't match.

 

For the record, this would not sit well with me either, my bf/fiancé going out of his way (while you're in the shower?) searching sexual photos of other women on SM, I also would find it disrespectful, and quite different from simply noticing attractive women whom he encounters in real life.

 

But my idea of what a committed relationship entails is apparently a bit different from some others on this forum.

 

Not judging, no wrong or right, what's important is that you and your partner are on the same page w/r/t boundaries and what you each consider apprproprate/not appropriate within the context of a committed relationship.

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I also wanted to add that lest anyone deem me insecure for my views, my bf is a professional photographer and often shoots photos of beautiful women..

 

For guess what? Their social media profiles! Lol.

 

Anyway, I don't feel insecure or threatened by that at all, why?

 

Because it's done in a professional context.

 

Searching sexual pics of other women on SM when you're in the shower or another room, is not being done in a professional context so it's quite different.

 

Also want to add that whatever my bf wants to do in the privacy of his own home when we are not spending time together, is his business.

 

I wouldn't even know as I don't believe in snooping.

 

But Op, doing it while spending time with you? And sneaking some peeks while you are in the shower??

 

That is what I would find disrespectful, and just creepy, would not sit well with me so I totally understand how you feel.

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I'm going to go out on a limb here... but are you sure you are satisfying him sexually, as in often enough and asking him what he enjoys? If not, I would suggest join counselling. Then again, he may never admit this even if he feels unsatisfied - you need to talk.

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Everybody is blaming you for insecurity and telling how you are addicted to social media which is destroying your relashionship. I agree with the last one but a boyfriend photographing models in a professional way is different from a boyfriend searching for a particular naked model while you're in the shower.

What would I do in this case?

Would'nt worry about that, he is with you because of a reason. And secondly I would turn this into smth funny. Just try to search for sexy actors/models and let him know. Why cant you have the right to look at guy models? Then you will see his reaction. Maybe this will remind him of what he is doing. You can return this in a competition but I mean in a funny way. So, dont be the one bothering for his girls, but make him get worried about why you're watching smoky hot guys.

Also do some sporting activities. They will distract, and improve your posture/body curves/make u m healthier and he will regret watching those girls.

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Everybody is blaming you for insecurity and telling how you are addicted to social media which is destroying your relashionship. I agree with the last one but a boyfriend photographing models in a professional way is different from a boyfriend searching for a particular naked model while you're in the shower.

What would I do in this case?

Would'nt worry about that, he is with you because of a reason. And secondly I would turn this into smth funny. Just try to search for sexy actors/models and let him know. Why cant you have the right to look at guy models? Then you will see his reaction. Maybe this will remind him of what he is doing. You can return this in a competition but I mean in a funny way. So, dont be the one bothering for his girls, but make him get worried about why you're watching smoky hot guys.

Also do some sporting activities. They will distract, and improve your posture/body curves/make u m healthier and he will regret watching those girls.

 

 

 

You don't teach someone how to treat you by doing the same thing they are doing. This is just playing childish games.

 

OP. Ignore this post.

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Everybody is blaming you for insecurity and telling how you are addicted to social media which is destroying your relashionship.

 

I agree with the last one but a boyfriend photographing models in a professional way is different from a boyfriend searching for a particular naked model while you're in the shower.

 

 

^^Which was exactly my point! And why I would have an issue with it.

 

That and searching sexual pics while spending time with me.

 

If you must, do it on your own time, not while with me and waiting till I'm in the shower, geez.

 

I think you may have mis-read my post(s) score, I'm not blaming OP at all, and totally understand how the OP feels and said so in my posts.

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You don't teach someone how to treat you by doing the same thing they are doing. This is just playing childish games.

 

OP. Ignore this post.

 

Since guys will look at girls and fantasise and vice versa why can't she do so too??

 

And another question can you teach someone by saying to ignore others beleifs/thoughts/opinions??

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Since guys will look at girls and fantasise and vice versa why can't she do so too??

 

And another question can you teach someone by saying to ignore others beleifs/thoughts/opinions??

 

She can... if she wants to. But to do it just to go t!t-for-tat with her partner and "make him worried?" In other words, purposely make him feel bad? How would anyone benefit from that?

 

*edit - wording

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It sounds like this could be a real issue for your fiance from what you have just explained. You are right to be upset and you are not over reacting. This is something that will follow you into marriage and will likely get worse. Addiction to pornography is as real as a drug or alcohol addiction. I would seek out help from a counselor but I'd suggest putting any marriage plans on hold until he is willing to deal with this problem. Counseling can be a great way to learn to set boundaries in your relationships and will help you to feel more in control. You don't have to deal with this alone. My thoughts are with you!

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Since guys will look at girls and fantasise and vice versa why can't she do so too??

 

And another question can you teach someone by saying to ignore others beleifs/thoughts/opinions??

 

You told her to do it to be vindictive and to do it in a competition. To try and make absolutely sure he knew about it.

 

That is the same as you cheating on your spouse because they cheated on you first. Foolish.

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I'm having same problems, my partner was looking at other women on his phone, to me he was looking because that is what he was really wanting not me, and it hurts because I think I have a pretty good body but he says my bottom half is to thin, and when I have said don't you think I'm pretty he says no pretty is someone that is naturally pretty that needs no make up and there is hardly anyone that is pretty. I can't shift this out of my mind and in the same position as you. I don't want to end it as it would hurt so much but this is also hurting me daily as I don't feel enough and I now feel unattractive 😢

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