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Thread: Wno makes first move in dating

  1. #1
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    Wno makes first move in dating

    Should I ask a guy out first?
    I am a bit confused at this point. People usually in this forum say that times have changed and we, women have fought for equality so much that we can be the one that asks out, like it is a trend of dating.
    Buut, my point is on the other hand every time any girl is being confused by mixed signals/ghosted/breadcrumbed/or not invited in a date planned by a man, she is taking the advice of moving on because he is not interesred.
    So I cant separate this line, if he doesnt ask u out does it mean he is not interested and move on or you should ask him?

  2. #2
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    To me it has nothing to do with fighting for equality when it comes to dating/personal relationships. I think there have been changes and since I haven't dated in 14 years my experiences are anecdotal/second hand now. My sense is that it makes no difference in the long run who asks for a first date (to me a first meet is not a date at all) - but if you do as much of the asking out as the man in the beginning of dating or more - that likely isn't an effective way to find a long term relationship. It's great if you want a fling or if you personally think of "equality" as equality meaning you would NOT want a man who was the type to want to be more of the pursuer in the initial stages -if that type of man would be a turn off then sure find a man who wants what you want - a woman who asks him out on dates and plans the dates (and pays/offers to pay) at least as much if not more than he does. If however you are more traditional and want a man who will do more or most of the asking out in the beginning and show his interest in you by asking you out and planning dates (while you of course show your interest in other ways - no need to be a passive wallflower!) - then please don't tell yourself that because of "equal rights" it should't be a problem to do more or most of the asking out in the beginning. It is a problem for men who are more of the traditional mindset, for men who do want to be more of the main pursuer, for men who are so so flattered by being asked out and are so so not going to choose that lady to be "the one" because to them it's ultimately a turn off despite being flattering.

    If a man doesn't ask you out on a date after you've shown interest (especially if you have) then he's probably not that into you. With exceptions of course! Oh and if you are really turned on by men who are so shy that they cannot get over the shyness enough to ask you out for coffee or lunch etc - then yes ask him out, give him the encouragement he needs -and be ok and accepting of needing to keep giving him that kind of encouragement given his shyness. Most men who are shy will get over their fear enough to ask someone out for a date because they will choose the person over the fear (like my husband did with me for example)

    Good luck and good question!

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    Ask him out. The thing is, maybe he doesn't see you this way, maybe he's unsure about what you think about him, maybe he's shy or maybe he doesnt like you. You never know unless you ask. Would you rather do a simple "hey, wanna go out this saturday" or would you rather miss on maybe the best thing in your life just because somebody is "supposed" to do something?

  4. #4
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    It's fine if you ask him out on the first date. The two of you should plan what to do together. However, then it is his turn to initiate a second date. It can be frustrating to wait, because sometimes you really like the guy and he doesn't step up. However, it is an easy way to determine interest level. If you're making moves and he's not, he's not as into you as you are into him, which would just lead to an unfulfilling casual involvement where only he would benefit.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    It's fine if you ask him out on the first date. The two of you should plan what to do together. However, then it is his turn to initiate a second date. It can be frustrating to wait, because sometimes you really like the guy and he doesn't step up. However, it is an easy way to determine interest level. If you're making moves and he's not, he's not as into you as you are into him, which would just lead to an unfulfilling casual involvement where only he would benefit.
    I agree. I also knew I wouldn't miss out on any opportunity by asking out a man more than he asked me out or even the same amount, before we were exclusive. I did ask men out -I wasn't overly nervous about it at all - and in my experience and in many many others (meaning, back then, hundreds of people I knew and knew of including several male friends of mine) it wasn't effective to ask men out -especially more than once - if you wanted a long term committed relationship. Beginnings are fragile and I knew of men who were flattered by being asked out -and it also knocked the wind out of their sails. Sure, those men might be too traditional or have set ideas about how things should go, or be reacting to silly instincts about mal pursuit.

    In my case since I wanted to get married and start a family and since traditional relationships were fine with me (yes, I was all for equality for everyone in the workplace -not just for women, but on racia/cultural/ethnic grounds, etc. too!), I didn't much care "why" those men got turned off I just knew I didn't need to take that risk - relationships were hard enough to find as it was. And I knew I wouldn't be happy with a man who I had to ask out more than he asked me out or more than one time in the beginning. Once we were serious there was little "asking out" but sure it was fine with me for all to be reciprocal and back and forth -because we'd already decided we were a couple.

    (and yes my husband doesn't ask me out anymore in that sense other than special occasions but he still tries to "pay" on dates -it's basically "our" $ but he likes it to be his credit card and yes he knows that is old fashioned, same as he doesn't let me carry the heaviest packages-well he is bigger than me and likely stronger and yes it's also for the "sexist" reason).

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    Originally Posted by Wolfshook
    Ask him out. The thing is, maybe he doesn't see you this way, maybe he's unsure about what you think about him, maybe he's shy or maybe he doesnt like you. You never know unless you ask. Would you rather do a simple "hey, wanna go out this saturday" or would you rather miss on maybe the best thing in your life just because somebody is "supposed" to do something?
    Yeah, but I also have those insecurities that he has about me. If he likes me or not, etc.

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    Originally Posted by score123
    Yeah, but I also have those insecurities that he has about me. If he likes me or not, etc.
    Of course -it's normal. And traditionally (meaning not the really old fashioned way) -the woman encourages by showing interest, flirting, being appropriately enthusiastic when she speaks with or sees him, etc so that the man, if he is insecure, is at least less insecure or more sure that if he asks her out she will probably say yes or at least let him down easy. I've been asked out by men I showed no interest in at all and not asked out after showing a lot of interest and everything in between.

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    If everyone worried about "if they like you or not", no one would ever go out on dates. You shouldn't look at it that way...you should ask them out if you like someone. Everyone needs to grow a set and just do it. I've asked guys out...but casually, like going for a quick beer and see how it goes. Let the beer settle on the brain, conversation flows, you have a good time, then later they ask you out.

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    If everyone worried about "if they like you or not", no one would ever go out on dates. You shouldn't look at it that way...you should ask them out if you like someone. Everyone needs to grow a set and just do it. I've asked guys out...but casually, like going for a quick beer and see how it goes. Let the beer settle on the brain, conversation flows, you have a good time, then later they ask you out.
    Yes - I don't think courage to ask out is the issue. I had the courage and I did so several times -I wish it had been an effective way to find a good husband because I was good at asking men out and comfortable enough. But I also found -as did most of the people I knew, men and women -that when the woman did more of the asking -maybe not the first date but after - it wasn't an effective way to find a long term partner (I explained this above, certainly it is effective to find a male partner who enjoys a passive role, who is so insecure that he cannot choose asking out over insecurity/fear/shyness or other emotional challenges - and it is very effective if a woman wants a long term partner who believes as she does that it's really silly to think that a man enjoys being in the role of doing more of the asking - where both people aspire to the sort of equality in their romantic relationship that exists in the workplace - but for women who want more typical, traditional relationships it's not effective in my personal and indirect experience).

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How do you know him? School? Work? It may depend on the setting and appropriateness. What kind of mixed signals do you think he's sending you? Being friendly? Flirty?
    Originally Posted by score123
    any girl is being confused by mixed signals/ghosted/breadcrumbed/or not invited in a date planned by a man, she is taking the advice of moving on because he is not interesred. if he doesnt ask u out does it mean he is not interested and move on or you should ask him?

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