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Thread: When do you make long-distance relationship official?

  1. #1

    When do you make long-distance relationship official?

    So I'll add some context to make it clear. I started speaking to this man online in January. I am 22 and he is (recently) 25. We have met three times since March. He lives in Scotland and I live in England so commuting via train is easy enough when we have the time. After his second visit I was asked out by men online as I said I was single which he was not too happy with, despite previously clarifying that we are both single and not together.

    To me, "seeing each other" means you are free to date other people but he claims there should be some exclusivity after the time we've spent together as it's the step before entering a relationship and he assumed that's where we're headed given that it's a process. This is understandable. When we discussed he said I was making myself seem available via social media and that perhaps he likes me more than I like him (this is false).

    While I don't have any desire to date other men, I do think that out of principle I should be free to. It sounds to me as though he wants to be with me without actually being with me; have his cake and eat it too, best of both worlds etc. If I put myself on hold for someone when I'm uncertain about when he decides it's time to 'officially' ask me out, am I being mugged off? I don't want to be played or strung along. Or am I being totally unreasonable?

    It seems that we are already in a relationship just without the labels, which I would quite like to have with him. I feel that I like him enough that I'm ready for that. So I'm just wondering if anyone else started off long-distance and when the best time is to take that next step? He is coming to visit me next month and I'm preparing myself for the possibility that he still won't have asked me by the end of the few days. I'm also aware that most LDR's don't start off that way, so it's a bit different.

  2. #2
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    I could sit here and analyze your question, but I won't.

    If that's what you want, ask him. Stop waiting for him to do it. It seems he already views your relationship as that way without the label. He may not ever ask "officially."

    First though, have you discussed long term? Who would be moving to who? Giving up jobs? Career changes?

    If you want to make it official, you'd be wasting your time without these talks.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    What Nickel said, and...


    If you want to become "official" and exclusive, keep in mind the travelling cost, do you each live independently?

    LDR require more work than typical ones

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    To me, "seeing each other" means you are free to date other people but he claims there should be some exclusivity after the time we've spent together as it's the step before entering a relationship and he assumed that's where we're headed given that it's a process
    You both have clear ideas of what you feel is expected during the get to know each other phase of a relationship. I don't think that either of you is wrong, but you do need to get on the same page if you plan to continue seeing each other.

    You are talking about an LDR here which means that by it's very nature, you will see each other a lot less than you would if you were dating someone locally. It does seem like you aren't really committed to the idea of a relationship like this and that's totally fair... they can be very challenging and often don't work out when the chips are down.

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  6. #5
    Thank you for your reply! :)

    I would very much like for us to be in a relationship, it's just the matter of him asking me, as we have gauged that I am traditional and prefer the man to be the initiator. But I plan to have a conversation with him about this at some point. Distance doesn't bother me as I am fairly independent and don't need to see a guy constantly, but I feel it makes me look foolish to commit myself to him when we are not even official.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you want an exclusive relationship, speak up and make it clear. Often it is assumed but people can interpret things differently. Many people have the exclusive talk before or when sex enters the picture.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by redriding199
    Thank you for your reply! :)

    I would very much like for us to be in a relationship, it's just the matter of him asking me, as we have gauged that I am traditional and prefer the man to be the initiator. But I plan to have a conversation with him about this at some point. Distance doesn't bother me as I am fairly independent and don't need to see a guy constantly, but I feel it makes me look foolish to commit myself to him when we are not even official.
    Letting "tradition" control your actions seems like a cop out.


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