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Thread: Ex-girlfriend wants to get back together, but I am in a new relationship

  1. #21
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JenCrowley
    Unfortunately, you entered into a new relationship before you had completely healed and moved on from your previous relationship. You are now learning the hard way the problems that one faces when entering a relationship far too quickly, before you are emotionally ready. Be honest here: are you REALLY "in love" with your current girlfriend? It sounds to me that you enjoy the IDEA of being in love with her, but that you aren't REALLY in love with her. If you were, the very idea of leaving her for your ex-girlfriend wouldn't even occur to you. It is extremely unfair, and wrong on your end, to tell your girlfriend you are "in love" with her when that is not true. It's also wrong to be in an exclusive relationship with someone while maintaining romantic communication with someone else (i.e. your ex-girlfriend) at best, this is inappropriate behavior; at worst, it is flat out emotional cheating.

    In all honesty, you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. It's clear that your emotional state is causing you to make poor decisions (getting into a relationship too quickly, saying "I love you" without really meaning it, contemplating getting back into a toxic relationship with your ex-gf, etc) My best advice is to exit this current relationship and NOT enter into another one until you have completely healed and you are emotionally stable enough to bring another person in. As it stands, it is not fair to your girlfriend, yourself, or to your kids to be in a relationship in which you cannot fully invest yourself (i.e. you have one foot out the door). Stay single, work on yourself, get yourself to a healthy state of being.
    Oh man so much this.

    The fact that you told your ex girlfriend you still had feelings for her but had moved on would be like me saying I quit smoking, I only smoke twice a day. And you purposefully left the door open.

    Like quoted above had you moved on, had you loved this new girlfriend your ex wouldnít even be a blip.

    Shame on you. And I mean that. I wish I could post this on the heartbreak forum, this is what rebounding looks like someone ends up hurt, now this innocent woman who only made the mistake of believing you were over your ex is going to be in the middle of your drama.

    I donít have advice about what you should do because itís a mess, but letís be real if you truly loved this woman you would not give a second though to going back to someone who hurt you deeply. So either she didnít really hurt you all that deep and you arenít over her and used this woman as a distraction or she did youíre addicted to the drama and were using this woman as a distraction. Either way, congrats youíre about to put someone else through the pain you commiserated to us about

    I know my response seems harsh and I recognize it, thereís just no point in sugar coating how messed up youíre being right now...

  2. #22
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    Spot-on as a previous poster said the only 2 innocents in this are your current gf and your ex gfs boyfriend. Both who assume think they are in happy loving relationships with a future and both about to have the rug pulled right from beneath them.

    If you didn't care about your ex you would have rejected her out of hand, no questions asked.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    My ex does know I am seeing someone. In fact, the first time she brought this up, I politely declined, saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right. She, basically, came back a few days later with further clarification about how serious she was about all of this. She is also seeing someone, though she's referred to him as "knock off" of me and not someone she's serious about. I am not sure if they are committed or serious, but I get the feeling from her that they are not serious and she does not view a future with this guy. It's just been extraordinarily hard because, at a time (and not that long ago, either), the words she's saying are all I wanted to hear in life.
    Read this and consider her character. Gah! Basically, you're doing the same using of your current partner as she is but if you want to be with someone that won't eff you around then you'd do well to block your ex so she can't dazzle you with her science and put your focus on the woman that you are with now... at least she's not a flake.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How seriously would I take an ex who dumped me and is now being disloyal to someone else?

    Not at all.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Simply tell her you're seeing someone and stop all contact. Block and delete her and all her people from all your messaging and social media apps. Do not mess up a future for a messed up past. She probably just got dumped, so do not even entertain this.
    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    I started dating again. I've been seeing someone now for about 3 months and it is going great, but extremely fast. We went exclusive on our 5th date (spent the whole day together on the 3rd), said "I love you" a few weeks after that. We're making lots of plans for later in the year, including her meeting my family. (They are not local, I have already met hers once).

    Now my ex-girlfriend tells me that she feels the problems she had in our relationship were actually her problems and she wants to give it another shot.

  7. #26
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    Thank you all for your replies. None of you minced words about how you feel about the situation or myself for letting this sort of situation come up and I appreciate your brutal honesty. In the end, I made a decision based not on choosing one or the other, but choosing myself and making a decision that I could live with, regardless of how either relationship turned out. That I'd said "no" originally to her and that it was still my answer. That, whatever happened with my current relationship, it would be on the merit or demerits of the relationship itself. It did not feel right starting out another shot together with emotionally cheating on someone else.

    I wish I could say she respected my decision and, though hurt, understood it. Unfortunately, she doesn't. She feels like she opened herself up to me, asked me to prioritize her, and I failed. That I don't seem to really regret us breaking up and now she won't either. All this anger I feel from her feels very unfair. She is the one who broke up with me, about a year ago. I tried to get get back for awhile and she told me, in no uncertain terms, that it was making her uncomfortable, so I stopped. I moved on with my life. She's had this revelation about her own needs and wants and that's wonderful for her, but to expect me just to be able to jump on the wagon when she asks, like I was waiting by the road the whole time for her to come my way again, feels incredibly unfair to my own feelings and needs.

  8. #27
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    I moved on with my life. She's had this revelation about her own needs and wants and that's wonderful for her, but to expect me just to be able to jump on the wagon when she asks, like I was waiting by the road the whole time for her to come my way again, feels incredibly unfair to my own feelings and needs.
    This ^^^ is an understatement. She is content to toy with your emotions and then has the cheek to say you 'failed' for not prioritising her!!! What a spoilt, entitled, selfish little madam! It sounds as though she's thrown the notion of not regretting the breakup as something to attack you with; what you need to understand is that you dodged a bullet, and there will come a time when you look back and realise that the breakup was something to welcome.

    Wishing you well with your current relationship, and hope this means you can leave the past where it belongs - in the past.

  9. #28
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    YOur ex is no good. To try and put all that on you is bull. She made her choice, she had no regard for you or your feelings when yuo wanted to talk and now she doesnt like her decision she is painting you out to be some evil person? No way, cut her off completely. Good for you for saying no to her.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    Thank you all for your replies. None of you minced words about how you feel about the situation or myself for letting this sort of situation come up and I appreciate your brutal honesty. In the end, I made a decision based not on choosing one or the other, but choosing myself and making a decision that I could live with, regardless of how either relationship turned out. That I'd said "no" originally to her and that it was still my answer. That, whatever happened with my current relationship, it would be on the merit or demerits of the relationship itself. It did not feel right starting out another shot together with emotionally cheating on someone else.

    I wish I could say she respected my decision and, though hurt, understood it. Unfortunately, she doesn't. She feels like she opened herself up to me, asked me to prioritize her, and I failed. That I don't seem to really regret us breaking up and now she won't either. All this anger I feel from her feels very unfair. She is the one who broke up with me, about a year ago. I tried to get get back for awhile and she told me, in no uncertain terms, that it was making her uncomfortable, so I stopped. I moved on with my life. She's had this revelation about her own needs and wants and that's wonderful for her, but to expect me just to be able to jump on the wagon when she asks, like I was waiting by the road the whole time for her to come my way again, feels incredibly unfair to my own feelings and needs.
    You did not "fail" = you said NO. Yes, she does remember things wrongly - that you broke up with her vs how it really went down. I think that if she doesn't stop contacting you after you told her to stop, you block her number and block her on social media. After you know what her feelings are and you have turned her down, any further dialogue is disrespectful to your current relationship.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    When someone leaves us there is such a sense of abandonment that lingers long past the time they left. Often times when they return wanting to reconcile, we find our selves tempted. Not because we've both evolved into better people and are any better suited for each other. The temptation to reconcile is often more about healing that hurt that is still left behind when they decided they didn't want us any longer. As if them returning makes us whole again. It somehow tells us we weren't so bad after all.

    If you were really honest about why you were tempted, I'd be curious if any of this was true.

    Because in the end you are typically the same two people, ultimately caught up in the same dynamic with the same outcome.

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