Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 33

Thread: Ex-girlfriend wants to get back together, but I am in a new relationship

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    41
    JenCrowley,

    Yes, I realize that my feelings for my current GF are shallow in that it isn't the sort of deep love one has when they really know someone. I realized that when I said it. But it's also not lust or, I don't think, infatuation. I have strong feelings for her and want to be with her. Her well being is important to me and I do see a future of us together. A lot of this is fighting a part of me from the past who always held out hope that my ex and I would get back together. I do realize how unfair I am being to my current GF to even contemplate this though.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,909
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    My ex does know I am seeing someone. In fact, the first time she brought this up, I politely declined, saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right. She, basically, came back a few days later with further clarification about how serious she was about all of this. She is also seeing someone, though she's referred to him as "knock off" of me and not someone she's serious about. I am not sure if they are committed or serious, but I get the feeling from her that they are not serious and she does not view a future with this guy. It's just been extraordinarily hard because, at a time (and not that long ago, either), the words she's saying are all I wanted to hear in life.
    Real talk?

    All I see here is drama, emotional immaturity, and weak character. She's involved with someone. Doesn't matter if it's serious or a "knock off." Someone with integrity gets out of something before getting into something new, so to get back together with her is to reward a character defect, plain and simple.

    The subtext of all this is what you got a year ago. Her life is "unmoored" and she's looking for an anchor. When she was with you, it was being "alone," which I put in quotes because all signs here point to someone who can't be alone. Now she's unmoored again—still unmoored, really—and the answer is being "with you."

    I get that you're hearing what you once wanted to hear, but these are just words. Behind them are the actions of someone who is not stable and whose instability is already infecting you.

    Big picture: I think you need to do some real thinking about whether you're in a place to be dating anyone, or whether your feelings for your current gf are as deep as you've professed with the big L word.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    18
    How can there be a future if you aren't fully invested in your girlfriend? You've got one foot out the door already, your mind is on someone else. Thinking about someone else is taking away from the relationship you already have. Sorry, but a future isn't possible if you can't devote your whole being into this. That's why I recommend ending things, it isn't fair to your girlfriend if you aren't all-in. If you're only holding onto her because "this is good enough for now" all the while keeping an eye out for "maybe there's something else that is even better, like my ex-gf" it's a very selfish thing to do, and no, it is NOT thinking about her well being at all. If her well being is at all important to you as you say, you will let her go so that she can find someone who will absolutely be 100% all-in with her.

  4. #14
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    412
    Gender
    Male
    Yes forget your ex regardless. Think long and hard if you really want to be with your current gf as it's not fair to keep her in a relationship you are unsure of.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,652
    So you're "in love" with your current, and have exchanged same, but still have "feelings" for your ex, strong enough apparently that you are considering going back?

    How does this work?

    Does your current gf know you still harbor strong feelings for your ex?

    Serious questions.

    This is quite troubling; I would advise you to get your act together, and start being emotionally honest, w yourself mostly.

    Then your current gf.

    Re your ex, my take is she wants you now that you're in another relationship, and hers is ending. It's quite common and also quite selfish.

    If you return, expect the same issues to be there, tossing in a few more for good measure.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-08-2019 at 02:20 PM.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    865
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    All I see here is drama, emotional immaturity, and weak character. She's involved with someone. Doesn't matter if it's serious or a "knock off." Someone with integrity gets out of something before getting into something new, so to get back together with her is to reward a character defect, plain and simple.
    Second this.

    OP:
    Hit the pause button for a second and breathe. We all go through emotionally trying times but you've got to hit the pause button and know when to retreat and think twice about what's going on around you. I mean really think. Go over it and realize what's going on around you, practice mindful reflection and understand what's happening.

    I do question your frame of mind and whether you are set up for any type of committed relationship in the first place. Before this completely blows up in your face, I'd take a time out and pause. Don't lead anyone on, don't give out the wrong impression (you did by responding at all to your ex), don't leave room for errors that sabotage your future. If you really want to get out of your deep, dark hole of sadness, stop digging a deeper hole. I'm sensing also that you're in a habit of spiralling downwards for some reason and haven't broken out of an unhealthy cycle of bad decisions. This is unconscionable considering you are dating someone new and someone else's happiness depends on your instability. Even if you're confused about yourself, how could you possibly treat another human being like this? I can't fathom having the guts to do this to someone. It's mindboggling. I also cannot reconcile how a woman, any woman, could possibly refer to her current date as a knock off and yet turn around in the same instant and ask for a committed relationship from someone else when he's already attached in a relationship. That is incredibly disrespectful and when people disrespect each other, it means that there's a dysfunction within themselves (they cannot respect themselves either).

    Take care of yourself - something is really not right about your heart or what's going on within you (you have to figure that out). I'd say tread carefully. Be kind to yourself.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,909
    Gender
    Male
    Per Rose Mosse's suggestion of a mindful approach, here's something to chew on:

    What your ex is really stirring in you right now? It's just ego, or mainly ego. There is real power and stability to be found in getting intimate with your ego, so you're not too thrown when it gets inflamed or prone to mistake an inflamed ego for deep feelings.

    An ex comes out of the woodwork, a pretty woman bats her eyes across a crowded room, a random reaches out on social media—these things happen, and no one is immune to "feeling" something when they do. But that something? It's just ego, something to wave at ("Hey ego, I see you") but not be guided by ("Hey ego, I've got better things to do").

    The more you understand it the less mysterious these moments are and the easier it is to stay present in what is real, what serves you, to be moving forward instead of backward, up instead of down.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,420
    Gender
    Female
    Imo, you shouldn't go backwards. You had three years to make it work with your ex and you couldn't. Chances are that you two were incompatible. It also sounds like you moved too fast with your current relationship.

  10. #19
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    507
    To heck with your exes' excuses. She wanted out and she got it. What has really changed? Nothing at all. I'd be keen to think that she is just jealous at this point.


    The real question is, why are you treating your new girlfriend this way? She doesn't deserve this.


    It's riskier to pursue something that already ended badly once than something new and fresh. Example: Would you trade in your new laptop for a refurbished laptop that potentially never was fixed?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    7,694
    The people I really feel for in all this are your girlfriend and your ex's boyfriend. Is he aware that he's a 'passing time' candidate? Come to that, is your unfortunate girlfriend? Both are in the position of potentially being hurt because of something which is nothing to do with them.

    Do you really think your ex has changed that much in the relatively brief time you've been part? Frankly, I doubt it, and I also doubt that much would change if you were both to end your current relationships and got back together again. Sorry, your ex's promises to change etc etc are more about control than love, and as such are comparable to the empty promises of abusers when they sense they're really about to lose their partners. This is about reeling you back in, and nothing more.

    People who really want to change and address their issues do so alone. They don't do it in an ostentatious manner once they realise the ex partner is genuinely moving on; that's about sabotage, not growth.

    You have a choice. Hop back on the toxic merry-go-round with a fairly predictable outcome, or put your energies into a new, promising relationship. At least the merry-go-round has the advantage of being predictable!

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •