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Thread: My boyfriend called my a gossiper and I feel hurt.

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend called my a gossiper and I feel hurt.

    I started this Long Distance Relationship with this guy, and I'm trying so hard for it to survive. I'am always honest with him, I try to be his supporter, his best friend. And last night I was telling him about a friend who was struggling financially and was doing doing a job that was not "appropriate" to gain some money. But I was not judging anyone, honestly I was just concerned about my friend, I want him to have a great future. I didn't even mention his name to my bf to keep it confidential. My bf asked how do I know and I said that another closed friend told me cause she was worried too. And he said "You are such gossipers". I told him that I'am not, I'm not doing any harm or spreading rumours about my friend. I asked him why he thinks liked that about me. And he just replied "Then don't gossip", said goodnight and went back to sleep. Leaving me confused, hurt and angry. I texted him telling that he is so quick to judge me. Cause it's not the first time that a similiar situation happens. I don't know what to do, I feel uncomfortable talking to someone who thinks like that about me? Also It bothers me that he doesn't think too much before speaking but he just shoots the word and pretends he said nothing, he doesn't consider how those words are gonna make me feel. Honestly I felt like my values were attacked. What do you guys advice?

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    You essentially were gossiping.

    You have no confirmation that what your friend said was true and to then speak of it as if it were is the definition of gossip.

    Rather than relaying a story you heard , why would you not discuss with the friend in question? If you were concerned. ??

    Have you actually met your long distance bf?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you met in person? How do you know each other? It sounds like he's not interested in all the hearsay and local news. He doesn't know these people and most likely can not relate to your stories about them. It sounds like you're incompatible and it may be time to reflect on keeping this situation going.
    Originally Posted by Peace of mind
    I started this Long Distance Relationship with this guy
    he said "You are such gossipers".
    he just replied "Then don't gossip"
    I feel uncomfortable talking to someone who thinks like that about me
    he doesn't consider how those words are gonna make me feel.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    My advice would be to do your best not to sweat the small stuff. Maybe it's your bf's opinion that your friend doing this "inappropriate" job must be shameful to him, and it's nobody's business but your friend's. First it was only your other friend that knew, now at least 2 others know. Certainly it's not hard to see how that number could grow to 5, then 8, and so on. So your bf might be telling you to keep private matters private.

    But that was all he wanted to say on the matter and went to sleep. Probably wouldn't have even thought about it again until you texted him. Look, you and your bf aren't always going to see perfectly eye to eye on every situation and that's okay. I personally don't view this as anything to let eat away at you. But if it becomes a trend that he often disregards your feelings or that you feel he's always judging you, all you can do is communicate how it feels from your perspective and try to work it out or chalk it up to incompatibility and end it.

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    I have met him, but we started it when he went abroad and we're going to be long distance for a while. I'm really trying to do my best. I didn't mention the name of my friend, didn't said who he was and I haven't discuss it with anyone besides my bf, cause I think of him as someone I can trust. But when I get judged I don't know how to feel. I don't mind considering that maybe I didn't do right, it came from a good place but It wasn't right. He could have said it in a nicer way, or he could have just let me know that I'm making a mistake and not act with authority against me.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to be ok with honesty. He didn't hurt you, judge you or insult you, he simply rendered his opinion that all the hearsay about people he doesn't even know is gossiping. Gossip and going on and on about other people's problems can be very boring. At least he spoke up about it. Learn conversation skills and remember that it's not all about you.

    Learn to be ok with other people's opinions especially if you are taking up their time talking at them about boring or irrelevant subjects. Try to consider the listener when you are talking and reflect on whether what you are saying has any meaning.

    For unbridled talking you could consider therapy if you want someone to just listen, but do not want to allow them to have an opinion or say in the matter. However, you'll have to pay by the hour for that privilege.
    Originally Posted by Peace of mind
    I haven't discuss it with anyone besides my bf, cause I think of him as someone I can trust.

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    Originally Posted by Peace of mind
    I have met him, but we started it when he went abroad and we're going to be long distance for a while. I'm really trying to do my best. I didn't mention the name of my friend, didn't said who he was and I haven't discuss it with anyone besides my bf, cause I think of him as someone I can trust. But when I get judged I don't know how to feel. I don't mind considering that maybe I didn't do right, it came from a good place but It wasn't right. He could have said it in a nicer way, or he could have just let me know that I'm making a mistake and not act with authority against me.
    Gossip is gossip regardless of confidentiality.
    You relayed a story to another person , without any evidence of truth. He said, she said , and so on. The confidentiality could be breached inadvertently at some point and then what?
    Does your “bf” not know of any of your close male friends? If not why not? Don’t you think the puzzle could be pieced together? And that the anonymity of your friend would be revealed?

    And why have you only discussed it with your “bf” ?
    Just to tell him a story? Ie gossip? You didn’t ask him what to do do with the gossip you heard , you simply passed it on.

    Could he have pointed out your gossiping in a nicer way? Yes. But would you have receivers it any differently?
    I doubt it given that you still believe you told a story you heard without first seeing if there was any truth in it.

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    You are being a little bit gossipy. I understand your need and desire to confide in your "significant other." Couples discuss things like this sometimes. The thing is, this guy is long-distance, and you're not really a couple. These are foreign people from a foreign land, and to me there's a little bit of a difference between coming home to your guy and saying, "I heard this rumor about Joe and I'm worried," vs. whatever you're texting. In addition, sometimes we have to purposefully separate who we talk about things with. You might do more in-depth discussion with your girlfriends or people closer to the situation, and leave your guy out of it. Your guy just doesn't care about things like this. I think there are a lot of husbands and boyfriends out there who can relate. Talk about this with your sister. Call your mom, your BFF. Be more selective about what you share and what you expect. Guys tend to want to fix things, tangible things...gossip is gossip. You may need to seek certain aspects of emotional support from other people. I guess one way to determine what to discuss would be to only talk about things you know as gospel fact...like straight from the horse's mouth...not third party rumors.

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    He's not wrong. You were gossiping. Lol.

    I like him. He's a straight shooter.


    If you can't handle his blunt honesty, you may not be compatible. Long distance is a bad idea anyway.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you were looking for someone to talk to and your boyfriend was a bit of a jerk. He may be preoccupied with other things going on in his life. We all gossip. It depends who you do it with and in your most closest of support systems, yes, sometimes bouncing back ideas is not a bad idea. Your partner may be able to tell you if you are overreacting or justified in your emotions/thoughts/etc. In this case, he just didn't step up to it.

    From the little you have mentioned, you do seem over-concerned about the issue with your friend and the appropriateness of his job. If you didn't come across as a worrier or someone overly concerned, I doubt most people would have any problem bantering with you. I don't think your boyfriend is communicating well with you and he flipped you off, quite honestly. If he thought you were being trivial and nosy, he should have said so with a bit more clarification. I wouldn't jump the gun at this point and get too defensive. If he continues to fail in the communication department and leave cryptic short replies to you, this is not exactly my idea of a steady or reliable relationship.

    I don't believe either of you are to blame. This is just poor communication and shoddy effort, period. I'd be more pissed off by the shoddy effort than the comment, to be quite frank. What kind of a lousy comment is that with no follow up or heart to heart (there's a serious void here). Either communicate better with each other or call this quits.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 05-09-2019 at 12:16 PM.

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