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Thread: Am I wasting time?

  1. #1
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    Am I wasting time?

    So, for the last year I have been talking to a wonderful woman. We are both the same age (41) and hit it off very well from the start. Las summer, we admitted that we had crushes on each other, and a few months later we admitted that it was more than that. We fell in love with each other. Sounds great, right? Well here is where it gets complicated.

    She still lives with her ex. They own a house together, and they agreed to do some renovations on it before selling, and going their separate ways. Despite multiple setbacks, the renovations are ongoing.

    It's sort of a long distance thing. We live about an hour and a half drive apart. We have met up a few times when our schedules have allowed it. We hit it off great in person, over the phone, in messages. We made a deeper connection than I've ever felt in my entire life....and I was married for a decade!

    OK...get to the point! So, recently she told me that she feels like she is holding me back from happiness by being unavailable so much. I don't feel like I'm being held back from anything. This woman is the woman I have waited my entire life to meet. Now I've finally met her....and because of unusual circumstances...I'm losing her.

    Also, I should add that despite telling each other we love each other, and exchanging birthday and Christmas gifts. We had to consider ourselves "unofficially official" for the time being. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm probably not explaining it very well. Any advice is welcome. Thanks for reading!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    "she told me that she feels like she is holding me back from happiness by being unavailable so much"

    Through her lack of actions (still living with ex after a whole year) and her words, very telling that she's just not that into you (fly away, pretty bird. It's been kind of fun, but you're not the one), yes, you're wasting your time.

    Other women, with whom you could share chemistry with, exist in your locality and you're bound to meet one who is free to date without excuses. Do the footwork and find her.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Are you sure he's an ex?

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She wants out because she can't get out of her situation any time soon. She isn't getting what she needs out of the relationship because of her situation....in other words it's not enough for her, she's not happy, and wants to take a break. And maybe due to the fact it's a year later and the honeymoon phase is over...the excitement isn't there anymore. She isn't truly free to take that next step so she has lost interest. The only thing I can suggest is have a discussion about how she sees things....don't over ride the discussion with begging or say it can work...just listen to what she tells you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can't help but get the sense that you're putting her up on a pedestal a bit. Sounds like you've got a nice connection, but circumstances haven't allowed you to actually cultivate it, so the appeal—the thing that really excites you—is as much as potential as it is reality.

    Which is okay. That's basically dating, rather than being in a relationship. That you've only actually met up a few times—well, again, you two are dating.

    I will say that when I hear someone say something like she said—the bit about holding you back from happiness—what I hear is someone trying to express a few things: namely, the recognition that your feelings may not be aligned, that she's not in a spot to give you what you really need. It sucks when people express it this way, since it's passive, and it puts the onus on you to either stay or go.

    But me? Whenever I hear something like that I take it as a sign to step back a bit or at least press pause. You have to listen to what people say to you, and that's her truth right now. You can't convince her to believe in or feel something else. That just happens, or doesn't.

    She's got a lot going on, that's for sure. Living with an ex, renovating a house with an ex—not an ideal circumstance for getting into a serious relationship. In your shoes I'd probably be stepping back a bit to let that play out. Doesn't mean you have to press the off button and bolt, but that you have to be cool with things moving slowly while accepting that she might not be the source of your happiness. I wouldn't close the door to others, in short, because that would be a set up for pain and imbalance.

    And I'm not sure you're cool with that, since you're already professing the big stuff. Sounds like you're ready to be all in and she's not.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I feel like there is more to this story...

    What prompted her to tell you that she feels like she is holding you back from happiness by being unavailable so much? Were you complaining about the current situation, were you pressuring her to move out?

    I believe that this is a situation where the feelings are not aligned. You are way more invested in this than she is.

  8. #7
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    I should clarify a couple of things.

    She has made it abundantly clear to me that he is an ex. No reconciliation.

    And, maybe I do have her up on a pedestal. But she was the one who confessed a crush, and love first.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Afireblue
    I feel like there is more to this story...

    What prompted her to tell you that she feels like she is holding you back from happiness by being unavailable so much? Were you complaining about the current situation, were you pressuring her to move out?

    I believe that this is a situation where the feelings are not aligned. You are way more invested in this than she is.
    What prompted her to tell me this was a meeting with a mutual friend recently. Our mutual friend told us that she is moving from this area to be with her long distance BF and eventually marry him. My lady friend later told me that she isn't really into ideas like that.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Does the ex know he is an ex?

    When people are truly done with each other, they part ways and make it happen even if it's difficult. When you are looking at a year or more and many plausible sounding excuses for why nothing is changing, you really do need to consider that not all is kosher and either they aren't fully done with each other and their relationship yet...at best....or she is simply cheating at worst.

    Are you wasting your time? Yes. Are you a little bit lost in the fantasy of who you image her to be? Yup. Truth is that you haven't spent enough time with her to know that she is the dream woman you think she is. When you have to hide and dance with words like unofficially official....you are fooling yourself....a lot.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Are you wasting your time? I think so. This woman is not properly available to you.

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