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Thread: Am I wasting time?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Are you wasting your time? Yes. Are you a little bit lost in the fantasy of who you image her to be? Yup. Truth is that you haven't spent enough time with her to know that she is the dream woman you think she is. When you have to hide and dance with words like unofficially official....you are fooling yourself....a lot.
    Well put.

    She is your dream woman, right now, because she is more dream than reality. You've seen her a handful of times, been seduced by some lofty professions.

    But outside of that dream is a thorny reality that I think you're editing out a bit in favor of the fantasy. A lot of her energy right now—financial and emotional—is going into a home that she's living in and renovating with an ex. And, yes, a phrase like "unofficially official" isn't exactly the stuff of dreams after a year of knowing someone. And, well, if she's "not really into" the idea of people moving to be closer to cultivate an "officially official" romance, doesn't that leave you alone with a dream you'd prefer to share?

    Bottom line? If what you want, right now, is a committed relationship, or even a relationship with someone committed to expanding and deepening a connection with you, she does not sound like she's in the head- and lifespace to offer that. I think she very much liked the crush, as crushes can be lovely salves during transitional moments. They're dreamlike, you could say, but they're not always preludes to a dreamy reality.

    I'm around your age, so I certainly know that to date and connect at this juncture in life often means meeting people with some real life behind them. An ex-husband, a house, a child, and so on. But at the end of the day available is still available, and it's pretty easy to spot and feel, just as unavailable is pretty easy to spot and feel. What you're feeling right now, I think, is the latter.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    She has made it abundantly clear to me that he is an ex. No reconciliation
    and yet
    She still lives with her ex.
    I don't know about you, but the last thing I would want to do with an ex would be renovate a home with them, never mind live there until it was done. I question whether he is as much of an ex as she says he is.

    OP you are attracted to someone who is unavailable for a relationship... she has made no commitment to you, and has specifically told you she is unavailable. People don't change their minds and suddenly become available... this is where she is at right now and you can choose to continue floating along and being at her whim or you can choose to let it go, which will open the door for someone that does want to commit to being with you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Having been married before yourself I would think you would understand that the uncoupling of a marriage is typically a long and complex process.

    They may be estranged somewhat and still in the same house, but they are still on some level working as team, running and fixing up a home and being roommates.

    They may be emotionally separated, but they are still very much physically connected by being under the same roof. When it comes time to actually pull the trigger, it's rarely as easy as we think it's going to be.

    It's been a year and there are no signs of her moving forward with you. Now with her second guessing the entire thing, I think you have no choice but to let go and move on.

  4. #14
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    Some tomfoolery is afoot.. She shouldn't be living with her ex. I feel like you weren't fed the whole truth OP. Time to cut your losses.

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  6. #15
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    Yes. you are wasting your time. She is not separated. She is living with her ex. If they were separated and were getting the house ready to sell to settle the divorce, one or both would have moved out of the house. She very well could be lying to you. But even if she is not, you are lying to yourself. Find a never married woman or a woman who has been divorced for years

  7. #16
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    People who value being available for a committed relationship do not let money/circumstances stand in their way. She would not be living there if she was ready to commit to someone else. The renovation excuse is just an excuse.

  8. #17
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    I should clarify:

    Her ex is an ex boyfriend, not ex husband. They were never married, but they do own the house together. Both of their names are on the mortgage.

    Also, I was understanding at first,, because my ex wife and I split very amicably and remained friendly afterwards. We did not own a home, we rented, so it was an easier situation although we did live together for a bit afterwards.

    Also, my life is a mess. This should be a sitcom.

  9. #18
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MichaelS1977
    What prompted her to tell me this was a meeting with a mutual friend recently. Our mutual friend told us that she is moving from this area to be with her long distance BF and eventually marry him. My lady friend later told me that she isn't really into ideas like that.
    Then you should really listen to what she is saying. SHE IS NOT READY. You two are on different frequencies feelings wise...

    A year is too long to be "separated" and renovating a home to sale... seriously you haven't been told the whole truth.

    Do yourself a favor and take some of the great advice you have been given here, stop wasting your time

  10. #19
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    If I've learned anything, it's that words mean jack squat if not followed up with solid action.

    She "told" you he is an ex, but what do her actions tell you?

    Still living together, renovating their house together?

    Only being available to meet up a few times in an entire year?

    Goodness gracious, one would think she lived on a different continent, she is only an hour and a half away!

    That's a daily commute to work every day for some people!

    Something's not jiving here, perhaps they decided to experiment w an open relationship, who knows, but it's quite obvious, at least to me, they are still together and very much entangled with each other.

    This would not be ok with me on any level, but your call.

    Jmo but I don't see this ending well, I hope I'm wrong, best of luck.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MichaelS1977
    Also, my life is a mess.
    Well, as long as this is how you self-identify you are bound to connect with others who feel their life, too, is a mess.

    And, well, it can get messy.

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