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rape? assault? nothing?? feeling sick


caraviolin

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Hi everyone, as some of you might remember, I posted last week about my best friend's marriage problems. I have read, and reread, all of the replies and they were really helpful. However something happened on monday night that I found out about last night. It is making me sick.

 

They were in bed and he was pushing to have sex with her. She didn't want it and kept saying no. As she was asserting this he climbed on top of her. As he was on top of her she consented but said that he is not to touch her breasts or butt and to leave them covered. He told her she is his wife and that this is weird sex. He then pulled her nightgown down and touched her breasts after she tried to fend him off doing so. He also pinned her hands down and kissed her after she said she didn't want to be kissed. After all of this he told her that he'll have sex with her when he wants because she is his wife. I don't know but this sounds like sexual assault to me. I think she only acquiesced because he was already on top of her. This whole scenario makes me sick and I really hate this guy even more now. What does this sound like to you?

 

The older son of 7 is acting out in school, and getting violent. My friend says he is most like the husband in personality and is afraid he is being influenced by the dynamics in the house. As her friend I feel powerless. I feel like I am watching a train headed off a cliff. I feel like what he did to her was like rape. Or it was rape. IDK I feel awful for her. My door is open and she knows that she can come here with the children or alone whenever. But I have a sinking feeling in my stomach; things are only getting worse in the situation. I don't trust this guy and hate him even more.

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It's not for you to decide what this is. It's also not a survey style question. However what you can do is reflect on why you are listening to this much morbid detail without simply suggesting she go to a doctor/clinic to get professional advice/help on what it is and how to handle it and what she wants to do about it.. Try not to live vicariously through anyone for the sake of drama. You are way too involved in this.

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Get her to call a domestic abuse hotline and or visit her primary care dr , an emergency dept etc etc. If she can’t do this for herself she needs to do this for her child who at present is being abused by watching the dynamic between his parents.

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Thanks guys. I listen to her because she is my best friend but I feel out of my element and overwhelmed. She wants to talk a lot to me and has told me I am her lifeline.

 

I told her to call but she is kind of in denial. But I told her to call the hotline. I don't know; I think you are right..I am way too involved in this :/ An I am kind of useless here, too.

 

She wanted to tell me details; I didn't ask for them. What am I supposed to say to her? Don't talk to me because I can't help you?

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This is above your pay grade. Yes you can be her friend and offer to take her and her child in, but you cant do much beyond this, I dont think you are a doctor or lawyer or therapist. She needs intervention from those 3 sources. You need to do better at minding your own business while being a friend, you are too involved.

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This is above your pay grade. Yes you can be her friend and offer to take her and her child in, but you cant do much beyond this, I dont think you are a doctor or lawyer or therapist. She needs intervention from those 3 sources. You need to do better at minding your own business while being a friend, you are too involved.

 

thanks for your reply. But I am unsure how to be a friend and do better and minding my business? I am not being snarky; it is a genuine question. Like, when she asks to talk to me do I tell her not to? where have I crossed the line? I didn't knowingly, I am not asking to be invloved, she just is involving me. I am unsure what I am doing wrong or what I should do. This is confusing,

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She sounds like a drama queen seeking attention. Either she's going to leave the situation, or she isn't. You can tell her she should, but she should be the one here posting. Not you. You don't get to make any decisions on her life. You are feeding off the drama.

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She sounds like a drama queen seeking attention. Either she's going to leave the situation, or she isn't. You can tell her she should, but she should be the one here posting. Not you. You don't get to make any decisions on her life. You are feeding off the drama.

 

she asked me to get perspective on what this was. :/ should I not have? thanks for your reply by the way. =) you guys are awesome

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There was an analogy somewhere online about a cup of tea and rape..it made a lot of sense.

 

It went something like...did she ask for this cup of tea? No? then it's rape

did she say no to this cup of tea but was given it anyway? then it's rape.

Did she take a sip but then decide she didn't want it but was then forced to drink it? then it's rape

etc.

It's online somewhere but it clears things up pretty quickly.

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OP it’s so nice you are caring and concerned for her but unfortunately this is one of those situations where only she can help herself. You can suggest hotlines or shelters or professionals that help in domestic abuse cases and that’s all you can do. She has to come to the realization she needs that extra help. You said she was in denial, so all you can do is offer those solutions but this isn’t something you can actively pursue yourself.

 

If I were you I wouldn’t take her burden onto your shoulders. It’s horrible what she’s going through, but don’t treat this as your problem it can become toxic for you.

 

Best of luck

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thanks for your reply. But I am unsure how to be a friend and do better and minding my business? I am not being snarky; it is a genuine question. Like, when she asks to talk to me do I tell her not to? where have I crossed the line? I didn't knowingly, I am not asking to be invloved, she just is involving me. I am unsure what I am doing wrong or what I should do. This is confusing,

 

Read post #19, it sums up how I think about this situation. I understand you are being genuine, not snarky.

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So that you don't get pulled in and consumed by her toxic dynamic, you need to start creating some boundaries with her in terms what you will and will not do, what you will and will not listen to. So yes, be there for her, but when she starts to delve into the kinds of details you've just described about what her husband did last night, you stop the conversation and simply tell her that you are very sorry, but this is all way over your head. You don't know what to say or how to help, but believe firmly that she needs to talk to people who do know about this, aka lawyer, therapist, hotline, etc. as appropriate for the topic.

 

Be consistent with that and resist the "you are the only one I can talk to" because if she keeps leaning on you the way she is doing, you inevitably will become her enabler rather than supporter. She vents to you, she feels better, she stays in her toxic situation.

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It's not for you to decide what this is. It's also not a survey style question. However what you can do is reflect on why you are listening to this much morbid detail without simply suggesting she go to a doctor/clinic to get professional advice/help on what it is and how to handle it and what she wants to do about it.. Try not to live vicariously through anyone for the sake of drama. You are way too involved in this.

 

I second this post.

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In my experience, people need to make choices for themselves, besides children. She needs to get the help. She needs to make phone calls. All you can do is be a shoulder and support her when she does make these decisions.

Her child, however, is in a different situation. If you know so much about her sexual situations, surely you know if the child is in danger. If so, then get the child help before anything gets worse for him.

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Thanks guys. I listen to her because she is my best friend but I feel out of my element and overwhelmed. She wants to talk a lot to me and has told me I am her lifeline.

 

I told her to call but she is kind of in denial. But I told her to call the hotline. I don't know; I think you are right..I am way too involved in this :/ An I am kind of useless here, too.

 

She wanted to tell me details; I didn't ask for them. What am I supposed to say to her? Don't talk to me because I can't help you?

 

So me personally, if I told a close friend about something traumatic that happened to me and she then blasted every detail on a forum - anonymous or not - I’d be livid. Absolutely livid and mortified.

 

I actually knew someone who would tell personal business to anyone who would listen, she was attention seeking and not a good person. She acted as she was but telling other people’s personal business was how she got people to listen to her, it was kinda sick actually.

 

Look I get wanting to get your friend help but come on you could have just said ‘ I think my friends husband raped her what should I do?’ Giving all the details of someone ELSES trauma is just all kinds of not cool, it is not your story to tell!

 

Either this is you or you are way too involved and if it’s the latter you need to take steps to remove yourself far enough that you’re a help and not a hinderance. Don’t ever do this to your friend again though, SO not cool. To be honest my ‘somethings not adding up’ radar is going off big time... I mean you’re going through your own refusal to heal and anxiety...panic attacks and all, because of your own forced sexual expierience why involve yourself with this? So unhealthy...all of it...

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Thanks guys. I listen to her because she is my best friend but I feel out of my element and overwhelmed. She wants to talk a lot to me and has told me I am her lifeline.

 

I told her to call but she is kind of in denial. But I told her to call the hotline. I don't know; I think you are right..I am way too involved in this :/ An I am kind of useless here, too.

 

She wanted to tell me details; I didn't ask for them. What am I supposed to say to her? Don't talk to me because I can't help you?

 

Cara, maybe it's just me but it's very difficult advising when hearing it second hand.

 

I work in law and this is called "heresay."

 

Suggest she open an account and post herself, this way we can ask her questions directly and get all the true and accurate facts.

 

If you are "her" then own it, nothing to be ashamed of, we are all anonymous and can advise you better.

 

I mean you do seem to have a lot of very intimate details even for a good friend, so it's curious.

 

Not accusing or judging, just a suggestion.

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