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Thread: rape? assault? nothing?? feeling sick

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So that you don't get pulled in and consumed by her toxic dynamic, you need to start creating some boundaries with her in terms what you will and will not do, what you will and will not listen to. So yes, be there for her, but when she starts to delve into the kinds of details you've just described about what her husband did last night, you stop the conversation and simply tell her that you are very sorry, but this is all way over your head. You don't know what to say or how to help, but believe firmly that she needs to talk to people who do know about this, aka lawyer, therapist, hotline, etc. as appropriate for the topic.

    Be consistent with that and resist the "you are the only one I can talk to" because if she keeps leaning on you the way she is doing, you inevitably will become her enabler rather than supporter. She vents to you, she feels better, she stays in her toxic situation.

  2. #22
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's not for you to decide what this is. It's also not a survey style question. However what you can do is reflect on why you are listening to this much morbid detail without simply suggesting she go to a doctor/clinic to get professional advice/help on what it is and how to handle it and what she wants to do about it.. Try not to live vicariously through anyone for the sake of drama. You are way too involved in this.
    I second this post.

  3. #23
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    In my experience, people need to make choices for themselves, besides children. She needs to get the help. She needs to make phone calls. All you can do is be a shoulder and support her when she does make these decisions.
    Her child, however, is in a different situation. If you know so much about her sexual situations, surely you know if the child is in danger. If so, then get the child help before anything gets worse for him.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    Thanks guys. I listen to her because she is my best friend but I feel out of my element and overwhelmed. She wants to talk a lot to me and has told me I am her lifeline.

    I told her to call but she is kind of in denial. But I told her to call the hotline. I don't know; I think you are right..I am way too involved in this :/ An I am kind of useless here, too.

    She wanted to tell me details; I didn't ask for them. What am I supposed to say to her? Don't talk to me because I can't help you?
    So me personally, if I told a close friend about something traumatic that happened to me and she then blasted every detail on a forum - anonymous or not - I’d be livid. Absolutely livid and mortified.

    I actually knew someone who would tell personal business to anyone who would listen, she was attention seeking and not a good person. She acted as she was but telling other people’s personal business was how she got people to listen to her, it was kinda sick actually.

    Look I get wanting to get your friend help but come on you could have just said ‘ I think my friends husband raped her what should I do?’ Giving all the details of someone ELSES trauma is just all kinds of not cool, it is not your story to tell!

    Either this is you or you are way too involved and if it’s the latter you need to take steps to remove yourself far enough that you’re a help and not a hinderance. Don’t ever do this to your friend again though, SO not cool. To be honest my ‘somethings not adding up’ radar is going off big time... I mean you’re going through your own refusal to heal and anxiety...panic attacks and all, because of your own forced sexual expierience why involve yourself with this? So unhealthy...all of it...
    Last edited by figureitout23; 05-11-2019 at 12:08 PM.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    Thanks guys. I listen to her because she is my best friend but I feel out of my element and overwhelmed. She wants to talk a lot to me and has told me I am her lifeline.

    I told her to call but she is kind of in denial. But I told her to call the hotline. I don't know; I think you are right..I am way too involved in this :/ An I am kind of useless here, too.

    She wanted to tell me details; I didn't ask for them. What am I supposed to say to her? Don't talk to me because I can't help you?
    Cara, maybe it's just me but it's very difficult advising when hearing it second hand.

    I work in law and this is called "heresay."

    Suggest she open an account and post herself, this way we can ask her questions directly and get all the true and accurate facts.

    If you are "her" then own it, nothing to be ashamed of, we are all anonymous and can advise you better.

    I mean you do seem to have a lot of very intimate details even for a good friend, so it's curious.

    Not accusing or judging, just a suggestion.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    So me personally, if I told a close friend about something traumatic that happened to me and she then blasted every detail on a forum - anonymous or not - I’d be livid. Absolutely livid and mortified.

    I actually knew someone who would tell personal business to anyone who would listen, she was attention seeking and not a good person. She acted as she was but telling other people’s personal business was how she got people to listen to her, it was kinda sick actually.

    Look I get wanting to get your friend help but come on you could have just said ‘ I think my friends husband raped her what should I do?’ Giving all the details of someone ELSES trauma is just all kinds of not cool, it is not your story to tell!

    Either this is you or you are way too involved and if it’s the latter you need to take steps to remove yourself far enough that you’re a help and not a hinderance. Don’t ever do this to your friend again though, SO not cool. To be honest my ‘somethings not adding up’ radar is going off big time... I mean you’re going through your own refusal to heal and anxiety...panic attacks and all, because of your own forced sexual expierience why involve yourself with this? So unhealthy...all of it...
    100% agree with this.^

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