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Thread: Fiancé going back to Uni

  1. #11
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    I think that going back to school full time without sitting down and mapping out the future with you shows little regard for you.
    If he has a house - that is his an not yours - and a child with you -- he cannot just stop working completely without it being something you both see eye to eye with.
    you have no ownership of the house and are not married.

    Going back to school PART time - many professional people do grad school like that at least for the first part and transitioning to full at the end - is definitely reasonable. There are many grad programs geared to full time professional workers.
    Expecting you to work at least part time is reasonable -- if you work full time, you will have to pay for daycare on top of all the house bills, so to me, working full time vs working part time around his schedule so that someone is watching the child is fully reasonable unless you are blessed with family who want to take the child a few days a week. Or if you can work an opposite schedule - but he in no way should ever *not* be making some money to pay the mortgage for a house you don't own!

    I don't think this is wholly a matter of you being lazy vs not lazy
    or him going to school or not, it speaks of that he doesn't regard you as a team.

    He didn't say 'we both want to go back to school. how can we do this?"
    or "i want to get my grad degree, how do we do that? how can we transition it?"
    (btw, if you have no education and some small amount would get you a gainful job where you could support the family - then you should get the education and go to work before he stops working to go to grad school).

    My cousin was given an ultimatum to go to work full time when her child was 9 months old. She didn't have enough time to really work her contacts and had to take the first job she could find. $400 take home pay, $275 a week for daycare, $30 in gas did not leave a lot left over. And guess what? her kid is sick all the time -- not even normal colds, but has had hoof and mouth, Roseola (sp?) and weird stuff because no one will keep their kids home when they are sick. The kid is a virus in a onesie - and then she has to miss work when the child is sick and so forth.

    Do you actually have a wedding date?

    I totally agree -- there is more to the story.

    Half of me wants to say let him move back in with his folks and you file for custody and child support. is he trying to break up with you?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Seek legal advice through legal aid to learn the rights of your dependent child. This isn't the kind of stuff you can navigate based on emotion alone, you need real information about the laws in your location. None of us have that expertise here, but it's unlikely that beyond child support you can force another person to support you.

  3. #13

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    Hi all thanks for all your advice
    I think bottom line is - he’s trying to break up with me.
    I think in my OP I came across as if I was moaning that my OH won’t be able to support me etc but that’s not the case. I think my main issue was that he is refusing to communicate, and compromise with me as a family , and a partner. I’ve taken some time out and after many days of trying to talk, and see a bigger picture he is not interested, and is focusing on his own life. Yes, we had a wedding date- it was meant to be next weekend. He’s cancelled the wedding in order for us to fix our problems to make sure it’s completely the right decision which I agreed with. However, he is simply not trying to fix anything and has told me I’m 90% to blame for our issues and he is 10%. Thanks for the messages and I apologise if I came across as needy, or whiney!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Jadebx
    Hi all thanks for all your advice
    I think bottom line is - he’s trying to break up with me.
    I think in my OP I came across as if I was moaning that my OH won’t be able to support me etc but that’s not the case. I think my main issue was that he is refusing to communicate, and compromise with me as a family , and a partner. I’ve taken some time out and after many days of trying to talk, and see a bigger picture he is not interested, and is focusing on his own life. Yes, we had a wedding date- it was meant to be next weekend. He’s cancelled the wedding in order for us to fix our problems to make sure it’s completely the right decision which I agreed with. However, he is simply not trying to fix anything and has told me I’m 90% to blame for our issues and he is 10%. Thanks for the messages and I apologise if I came across as needy, or whiney!
    How are you 90% to blame? Unless one party has drug addiction or cheated, no one is 90% to blame - its a little more balanced than that. I think you should seek legal counsel to file for primary physical custody of your child + child support. It may be that you get shared custody but you have to strike first. Can you live with family until you find a job or finish a course to help you find a job?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    What are the issues according to him? They must be very serious to consider cancelling the wedding.

    I do think a good chunk is due to you not planning for being actually responsible for providing for yourself and your share of kid. All this was avoidable if you did not depend on him, but rather planned your time off. And by that I mean, that you'd have money set aside or an income coming in during that time. Plan going back to work. Also, to plan out how You would pay for college while doing your share of child care.

    I'm beating a dead horse though. You didn't do those things, and you don't seem to see why that's smart. You are still seeing him as a bad guy for ' forcing you' in a position where you pull your load.

    He was 22 when you got pregnant, probably is regretting how he did things now. Honestly, cutting you out now will save him a lot of carrying you in the future. He's provided a home, an income, and he has a bright future - he will provide for him and his child.
    You did not establish these things for yourself. So now what? Live off others and child support?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Yikes. I agree with Catfeeder - you need to figure out what legal aid the child can receive. Wanting to go back to school is all well and good, but you have a child now, and that child comes first. Neither of you is acting like the responsible parent right now. Whatever excuse you are both coming up with in terms of blaming the other person is just that - excuses. It doesn't sound like either of you wants this relationship to work out at this point.

  8. #17
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    What has he told you the issues are?

    What is your 90% so to speak. You've yet to mention any of it.

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