From dream to nightmare

Hello everyone,

I am in quite a horrible situation and would like some opinions.

I am 23 (F) and my boyfriend is 28 (M). We met online at the beginning of last year. We started sending messages and with time became more and more interested in each other, it seemed like we could completely understand each other, something that due to our personalities doesn't happen very often (I'm an INFJ on Myers Briggs and he's INFP). As soon as we started talking, he told me he has Bipolar II. He said it had destroyed his previous relationships because he wasn't aware of it but that now he had sought help and was under the correct medication. I was a bit shocked by that and I was grateful that he made the effort to tell me something so personal so soon. We talked about it for a while, he answered my questions and other than his mood slightly changing from more active/positive/energetic to depressed every now and then it didn't seem like such a big issue. He also mentioned that due to the suicide of someone very close to him he had suffered Post Traumatic Strees. He explained that it had kind of blocked his emotions as a protection technique but that since it had happened so long ago, he had moved on.

We kept talking and calling every day and six months after we met he came to my home country to visit. Everything was perfect. He was as nice as it seemed! We had the most wonderful time, I got to show him my life and so many different places and we got to see that the real as was just as we expected. It was when he visited that I realized I had fallen in love with him. He helped me get out of my square world ( I am organized, morally driven, and always aiming for self improvement, often too demanding of myself. He is relaxed, adrenaline driven) and he said I helped him want to be better and gave him structure. So, two months later, I made the effort to visit him (it's very expensive and far away). Everything seemed perfect again. His family was so nice and welcoming to me and he had organized this huge trip so that I could see some different parts of his country. We talked about the future and decided that it was more logical for me to move to his country since the employment there is better and I speak the language. It would just be easier.

He came back to visit at Christmas and again, we had a lovely time. It only looked like it was getting better. It was then when we decided that I would apply for a temporary visa to move with him and see how things go. The visa got approved in March and I immediately started looking for plane tickets. He knew how hard it would be for me: I had to leave my dog there for now, quit my job, sell my car, leave family and everything I was familiar with; so he moved heaven and earth to be able to buy last minute plane tickets and go there just a week before we came together, to be with me, support me and try to make it easier.

Now, we have been living together for over a month and it seems to keep getting worse and worse every time. We have constant arguments when we both hate conflict, which makes us sour and is taking a toll on our relationship. I always said before coming that it would be a really difficult situation and that I would need support more than ever. The first two weeks were ok but then the problems started. I haven't been able to find a job yet so I am sitting at home all day by myself while he goes to work, so excited for the moment he gets home to be with him, because that's what I moved here for after all. He started mentioning every day that he understood but that he needed alone time. That he felt suffocated and was stressed. He even said to me that he was looking forwards to moving on to night shift so that when he got home I would be asleep and he could finally be alone. That was obviously very hurtful to hear. At the time I thought he was being incredibly insensitive and that he wasn't valuing all that I had given up for him. We talked about it and I ended up agreeing that I would give him alone time but that he also had to make an effort. I am not someone who would normally stress about that, I need alone time myself, it is just the situation. My parents told me since I have been here that they are getting a divorce so that doesn't make me feel less pressure and stress either. I feel like the world is on me and that he doesn't really understand it.

With this, his behavior towards me changed as well: no nice messages, no nice gestures no nothing. It all vanished into thin air. I am very affectionate (especially at the moment) and he knows that but yet every time we kiss / hug it is because I start it. He said if he got his alone time he would be more prone to be like that. So I gave it to him. Over the weekend, he jumped on the computer several times for hours and went out to see his dad (who is also his friend) on his own while I stayed at home. We have also being seeing his friends together and he saw them alone in a couple of occasions. I was expecting that since I had made an effort he would too. Still, no nice gestures nor words. I got upset and talked about it with him. I said it wasn't really fair, that just like he needed the alone time I needed him to be there for me. He kept talking about the Post Traumatic Stress and how his emotions are blocked and I said that maybe he could see a psychologist and it might help him feel better and not as awkward. Then he said that he didn't know if he wanted to and that maybe that is just the way he is and that he wishes I could love him for who he is. He agrees on the idea of going together but every time he says it is not going to work.

Yesterday, he published a post seeking for help. He told me about it and when showed me the answers, saying he wasn't the only one to se it that way, that it was something very normal and that I am just too needy. I couldn't believe what I was reading, I asked him are you sure you mentioned all the factors and we're objective? He said he tried his best too. I looked it up and read it and I felt so disappointed. Maybe this was a mistake of mine for not respecting his privacy but I was starting to doubt myself and my sanity.. So I figured out I should do the same to see whether the answers imply the same.

He said his post gave him the answers he needed to hear in spite of it being completely true or not and that it made him see what he could do for me affection wise. We had a really good day yesterday, he sent me a sweet message and I felt so uplifted from just that that I prepared a surprise for when he got home (candles + food + a poem). Everything was fine and then he told me about this post. We agreed we were going to try our hardest to not have arguments because that only brings us both down and that we would try to meet halfway. Just after that he says that then I should be ok with him spending Friday night and sleeping over at his friend's. I got upset because I have casual work this weekend on both Saturday and Sunday and I said I thought you might do it then so that at least we can spend a day together. He immediately realized and apologized. But that brought us to something different. Apparently now he wants to be able to spend the night at his friend's every second Friday to consume marijuana. Ever since we met I told him I hated cigarettes (he quit) and drugs. He didn't mention he used it until after I visited him last year. We had an argument about that and I said a definite NO to the smoking part. He said he didn't even think he would want to do it when I was here and that if he did it would be very rare (that gave me the impression of every few months). So we made that compromise. Now, I have to be willing for him to do it every fortnight just because "his views on the matter changed". We fought about it last night and after all, that seems to be the point of no return.

I feel like spending the night apart every two weeks is too much. It doesn't mean he can't see his friends. I thought we could see them together sometimes and he could see them on his own some others. The only reason why he wants to do that is because every two weeks he gets a Friday off so he can consume marijuana without any risk of getting in trouble at work on Monday (they are implementing drug testing). I feel so disappointed and can't believe that after all this is the reason that would break us up.

Is he right and I am asking for too much? Am I to needy? To me it just looks like I only give and don't really receive anything in exchange. I can answer your questions if you have any.

Thanks in advance for your answers.

Go home!

In the first paragraph, I knew that this would not work. He has a slew of mental health issues, plus you do not really know one another If you had, you would have known that you are not compatible. You should not have given up your life for this guy. It will not work.

Thank you for your answer. I guess I have some serious thinking to do

Deep down, you know what you need to do.

What do your family and friends advise?

I have some bad news for your "boyfriend." Marijuana stays in your system for 30 days.

Yes go home. ASAP. I see no hope for this.

“I was grateful that he made the effort to tell me something so personal so soon. ”

That was the first red flag.

Move out if not home.

I echo the others. Things won’t get any better. You’re seeing who he really is and it doesn’t sound compatible to you.

As an adult you picked up and moved out. Expecting your partner to look out for you and hold your hand is not exactly a great idea for a well-balanced relationship and in my mind, you're appearing very unattractive. I think the dynamics are skewed and you're unusually vulnerable and not recognizing how your 'feelings' are affecting the overall relationship.

He may not be perfect but neither are you. I don't know why you're so quick to judge his bipolar issue, by the way. It's almost used like a scapegoat. I agree with you that the marijuana use every other Friday sleepover is not compatible with your idea of a relationship. If smoking is a dealbreaker for you, this is his polite way of showing you the middle finger. The communication has broken down here and he's really tired of your nagging.

I'm sorry but you've got two choices: 1) grow up/be an adult and start taking charge of your own life and being motivated on your own and let each other do what you please on your free time(allow a relationship to cultivate naturally) or 2) move on and find someone who's more 'supportive' of you. I really don't think you were ready to leave home or move. As for him, I don't tend to think too highly of him judging from your language and narration. He seems unusually childish and stagnant. Why you ever thought someone like that could ever support a mature or committed relationship is beyond me. In your best interests, it might be best to learn from the mistakes and let this experience go, let more joy into your life and new experiences. If anything this move might have offered a lot of great life lessons.

You both have issues and in addition want other things in a relationship (for now). You also seem way too needy and controlling. He can't spend 1 night away with friends every 2 weeks. You want to hang out with his friends (due to you not having friends there) and are basically forcing yourself upon them. That won't be a good friendship. You are pushing him away so hard and that's why it feels you give everything and get nothing in return.

Smoking and drugs also seem dealbreakers for you, you want him to change this. That is not love for him, that is love for the idea of him. You're mostly in love with the concept of him. If he wants to smoke, you have to let him. Smoking kills, but it won't destroy your life the way some of the other addictions do (like some harddrugs or gambling). Cannabis is less innocent, but if using it once in a while is certainly no addiction. Just as drinking a glass of wine/alcohol once in a while isn't an addiction. What if I told you I don't want you drinking coffee, it's disgusting and addicting. If you drink it we're done. That's ridiculous.

You are overcontrolling, needy and clingy. You also have no life outside of him at the moment. And while that might be understandable due to you moving to a new place, you will lose him because YOU PUSH HIM AWAY. Not because he is spending 1 day every 14 days to hang out and smoke cannabis. Not because you give too much and get nothing in return. It'll be mainly caused by your actions and you don't even really realise it yet.

“ Ever since we met I told him I hated cigarettes (he quit) and drugs. He didn't mention he used it until after I visited him last year. We had an argument about that and I said a definite NO to the smoking part. He said he didn't even think he would want to do it when I was here and that if he did it would be very rare (that gave me the impression of every few months). So we made that compromise. Now, I have to be willing for him to do it every fortnight just because "his views on the matter changed".

Rare to a daily smoker would be every two weeks.

Unfortunately YOU didn’t ask what rare meant but assumed rare meant once in a few months.

You say you compromised but you didn’t discuss the compromise and what it entailed.

Don’t blame him for that.

I’m getting tired of telling people that long distance relationships don’t work.

The 3 times you saw him prior to your move , you were both on “holiday” mode!

Best behaviour , uplifted mood etc without the daily stresses life brings.

You didn’t truly know each other before your move , equate it to someone you have dated locally for a couple of months only.

Your decision to move was YOURS!

But you should only have moved to his area and not in with him. It was far too soon!

So as I said move out. Or move home.

If you think you would like to continue to get to know him , then do so but by living nearby only. And date him once or twice a week.

You don’t know each other well enough to love each other , would you move in with a guy that lived locally to you if you didn’t love him?

You both have issues and in addition want other things in a relationship (for now). You also seem way too needy and controlling. He can't spend 1 night away with friends every 2 weeks. You want to hang out with his friends (due to you not having friends there) and are basically forcing yourself upon them. That won't be a good friendship. You are pushing him away so hard and that's why it feels you give everything and get nothing in return.

 

Smoking and drugs also seem dealbreakers for you, you want him to change this. That is not love for him, that is love for the idea of him. You're mostly in love with the concept of him. If he wants to smoke, you have to let him. Smoking kills, but it won't destroy your life the way some of the other addictions do (like some harddrugs or gambling). Cannabis is less innocent, but if using it once in a while is certainly no addiction. Just as drinking a glass of wine/alcohol once in a while isn't an addiction. What if I told you I don't want you drinking coffee, it's disgusting and addicting. If you drink it we're done. That's ridiculous.

 

You are overcontrolling, needy and clingy. You also have no life outside of him at the moment. And while that might be understandable due to you moving to a new place, you will lose him because YOU PUSH HIM AWAY. Not because he is spending 1 day every 14 days to hang out and smoke cannabis. Not because you give too much and get nothing in return. It'll be mainly caused by your actions and you don't even really realise it yet.

I don't think we read the same thread.

A normal relationship does not include bi monthly sleepovers at a friend's home. This is ridiculous He also isolates himself at the home, for extended alone time. He should also be including her in social activities, remember they are partners and she just moved there. Did you also forget that she picked up her entire life to move to this guy-which was nuts. Also, it has only been a month, not six. This is not normal for a relationship.

I fault her for not recognizing in the beginning that this would never work. When he shared his health issues, she should have seen this as a big red flag. They had also spent very little time together and decided to move in. Huge mistake!

Well, I think there are a few things going on here where you are both at fault, and also circumstantial. First of all, I think the biggest issue is that you didn't date in real life that long before you moved in together. I understand that you had to move to his country just to be able to continue the relationship though, so it was your only option. I really commend you for being so brave and putting yourself out there like that. However, while I think maybe it was OK to give it a try, you really had no idea whether it would actually work out because you didn't really know him for a long time in person.

It may be quite possible that you are actually incompatible and you have very different relationship styles. And maybe it is good that you moved in with him so fast because it's better to know sooner rather than later if this is the wrong person for you.

I would like to point out though that while yes, you did move for him and made that sacrifice, but it could have been him that moved. So what I mean is that you did what needed to be done but that doesn't mean that you get to hold it over him and dictate rules because people still need tovhave freedom in a relationship.

While your boyfriend does need to make effort towards you, I imagine it would feel like a lot of pressure to come home tired from work and have you act demanding for attention. If you've just been sitting at home twiddling your thumbs (even if not by choice) and the only highlight of your day is him coming home, that CAN actually be stifling.

If you planned on staying with him long-term then you should be making an effort to also build your own life in your new place. Like, maybe trying to go to Meetup or some other social groups to meet new friends. Understandably you're not going to make close friends straight away, but even just to have activity buddies and just people to hang out with. I think it's good that sometimes you catch up with your boyfriend's friends too but you also need to let him have his own time with them.

If you can afford it you could even take up some hobbies, classes, things like that to occupy your time. Or do some volunteer work. You might even meet some friends there too.

Also regarding the smoking...I see many posts here where people started dating a smoker and they basically pressured the person to quit smoking. I don't think it should be like that because people don't really change and we shouldn't be trying to change them. If we have a significant issue with something about that person, e.g. smoking, then we should just date someone else. It's not fair to give someone an ultimatum like that. Clearly he enjoys smoking because now he wants to smoke weed. All you're doing is keeping him under control, but if you weren't in the picture he'd be smoking. So he has made a sacrifice for you too.

I think at the end of the day you may be incompatible in general because your big values don't match. If you hate smoking and marijuana and he likes it then that's a pretty big disconnect. I don't know if I'd want to date a full on drug addict but I let my fiance take acid and smoke a joint very occasionally and he let's me do all the same. I never really had drugs much but if I wanted to do some softer drugs once in a while, he wouldn't care. So what I mean is that people have different opinions and those opinions have to either be the same or both people are willing to compromise for a relationship to work.

My take is you both created a dynamic that was bound to fail, sadly.

You went from long distance, spending "real" time together only three times, to uprooting your life, leaving job, friends and family, moving to his country, moving in with him, spending 24/7 together. With no friends or job.

It's no surprise it all collapsed, it was way too great a transition for you or any couple to survive.

A shock to both your systems, resulting in him ultimately needing more "space" and alone time than he might normally need, and you becoming anxious, needy and more controlling than you might normally be.

Ideally, in a situation like this, it would have been better had you secured a job there before you moved, and secured your own flat, and dated. Developed your relationship slowly and gradually.

Both of which are possible and what most people do when making a move like that to another country..

You've become too dependent on him and he's feeling suffocated, which is understanable under the circumstances.

If there is any hope for this, find a job, any job, even if it's not in your field, you can continue looking for job in your field while working.

You will also have an opportunity to make friends while working.

Find your own flat, and move out. That alone will take much of the pressure off.

Become more independent and stop behaving like his prison warden, or worse his mother, by demanding he stop smoking or whatever else you don't "approve" of.

When I read your harsh NO to him smoking, I literally cringed. As a girlfriend, it's not your place to dictate what your boyfriend can or cannot do.

You either accept him for "him" as he has asked you to do, or you end the relationship.

Attempting to change someone to suit what's acceptable to you is wrong and bound to fail.

Anyway, that's my advice fwiw.

Best of luck to the both of you.

I have some bad news for your "boyfriend." Marijuana stays in your system for 30 days.

Depends on how regularly you use it. If it is a once a year occasion, it could easily be out of your system in 2 or 3 days as far as urine tests are concerned. If you smoke every day for years morning and night, it could take months and months to be out of your system.

Other factors that come into play are your activity level, metabolism, and body fat %. A fit young guy with a high metabolism will flush it from his system faster than an out of shape unfit woman in no time if it's an occasional thing.

OP, I agree with everything that's been said so far so I won't spend too much time rehasing it. No romantic partner can provide everything for their SO, nor should they be expected to be. You get needs satisfied through other avenues in life -- work, friends, hobbies, etc. Right now he is literally your everything, and it's clearly a problem. I am sorry, I do sympathize because I've been through the very same thing.

What I think is a big issue that hasn't been covered as much -- him taking to the internet, soliciting opinions from strangers, then using that to try and show you he's "right." It makes no attempt to understand your feelings while expressing his and trying to reach a compromise. Red flag.

Big picture, I would echo everyone's advice to this point -- you have options such as getting your own place/job and establishing your own life while continuing to date him. But I believe the situation in its present state will not get better, and me personally, I'd look at ways to extricate yourself competely. You two just don't seem like a good real life match.

Given the trend in new OP's that post ridiculous moves into dependency on people they barely know in remote places to prompt perfectly reasonable objections and advice to move back home, only to return to admonish everyone for being so judgmental and mean, I'd say just stick it out and wait for the big miracle. You can then update us in a few days us on how wonderfully you've worked it all out and finger-wag everyone for being so wrong about such a fabulous guy.

Really, what's to lose?