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Thread: Unsure of where this is all going?

  1. #1

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    Unsure of where this is all going?

    Hi everyone, have a bit of a predicament, after breaking up with my fiance I had recently started to enter the foray of dating again and signed up to Bumble and had met this great guy, the only issue being that he is two years younger than me. Thinking that it honestly wouldn't be leading to anything really substantial and other reasons I felt that perhaps dating online wasn't really for me. I deleted my account and didn't think much about it, the next day he had messaged me on Facebook and from our chats it seemed like he was genuinely interested in getting to know me. I decided to play it cool and go on a date, and give him chance. At the time it wasn't like I had anything to lose, and it seemed like the age thing wasn't an issue for him.

    During our date is when things started to get slightly difficult to read, he has an excellent poker face and from what I could gauge he seemed relatively interested in getting to know me but incredibly nervous and I had to ease the tension a lot by steering most of the conversation, but I think we did have a good vibe. Lots of jokes, laughing, smiling and generally got along well, but towards the end of the date he didn't seem that keen to arrange another date, also I felt that he was in rush to leave despite mentioning before that he was free the whole day.

    I let it pass thinking that I'll probably not hear from him ever again and to be honest didn't have much hopes for it to begin with and saw it mainly as a chance to get back into the dating game. Now, he messages me every day, consistently. I had replied back thinking that perhaps I had overreacted and not all guys are the same or find it easy to express their interest. It has gotten to the point where we have this good chemistry via messaging and I'm starting to develop feelings but am unsure if he thinks this is just friendship, he is always responsive but avoids meeting in real life, every time I subtly hint at it he always comes up with an excuse. That is a red flag as I have caught him out a few times, and I now I don't really trust him nor understand what the deal is.

    There was an incident where my data had run out and his messages were not coming through for a couple of hours and I noticed that he had rang me on Whatsapp. Later, when I asked him about it he said that he had mistakenly called me and had gotten side tracked. We also never talk on the phone.

    I am afraid to confront him about it as we are not in a relationship that I feel warrants it but I also don't want to invest my time in someone who isn't being very clear about what he wants. I'm happy to just be friends as we do have a lot of things in common I just wish he would be clear about it.

    Would really appreciate some advice as to what to do? And if anyone has been in a similar situation. Is it best to just cut him out of my life for good?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    he is always responsive but avoids meeting in real life, every time I subtly hint at it he always comes up with an excuse. That is a red flag as I have caught him out a few times, and I now I don't really trust him nor understand what the deal is.
    Directly ask him out on a specific date at a specific time and if he doesn't accept or he declines but doesn't offer another date/time then just forget him. He's a flake and you are developing some sort of false feelings from words on a screen without actions to back them up as interest.

  3. #3

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    I have, I asked him out to this gig that I am thinking about going to and his response was 'im up for this. I have a couple of things in May that haven't confirmed dates like the 3 peaks challenge but ill find out when its happening and will confirm' so I'm assuming that is his way of flaking, because he mentioned that he had already booked it like three weeks ago, so should be aware of the date.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Waste of time.
    Listen to your gut instincts/those red flags. He may be socially awkward but it doesn't give a person an excuse to be rude. He's not on your wavelength and the fact that he doesn't make time to spend real/in person time with you is a major concern. If he's bailed on a few meet ups or flaked, it's a bad sign too. He may be in it for other reasons or just doing some pinky and the brain social experiment on you. Who knows what people are up to these days. I wouldn't respond and block on social media so that he can't creep your contacts or photos.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    totally a red flag, this happened to me once with online dating, guy was super keen on the phone but getting him together with him was mission impossible.

    At the end I think he was still married or had a gf and I was just a distraction... you never know but why waste your time, there are legit guys online looking for something real, keep looking

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with Rose Mosse: a simple waste of time—unless, for whatever reason, you just want a new texting pen pal.

    I've been on this site long enough to learn that some people spend a lot of time texting with strangers, developing feelings through screens, and even having what they come to call relationships that exist wholly in 2D and pixels. Sounds like you've stumbled upon a dude more interested in that than the glories of 3D.

    Also sounds like it's not what you want, so just let it go and use this as a lesson for future dating: make it something that happens in 3D, not on screens; the screens are just there to facilitate the potential for real life connection, not to replace it. If someone is interesting in texting but not in meeting up—and you'll encounter plenty of these souls in the wilds of online dating—just think of it as a sign that they're not interested in what interests you.

  8. #7
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    Here's the best advice I can give you: never get too hung up over a guy you just met and barely know. The biggest mistake most single people make is setting their sights on one person (and one person only) early on and shutting themselves off to anyone else.

    Look, I'm sure that this guy seems very nice and I get that you enjoyed your single date with him. BUT, bottom line, you don't know him very well yet. He may not even be as nice a guy as he portrays himself to be (let's face it, it's easy to put on a "nice-guy" front with so little interaction) his continual avoidance of meeting with you in-person is suspicious, it's almost as though he doesn't want you to get to know the "real" him. If he's ashamed of who he really is, or if he fears you will discover who he really is, it's a definite red flag in my book.

    Here's what you do: open yourself up to other opportunities and date around. See what else is out there and if there are others who are more eager to try to win you over. Guys can always sense where there is competition: a woman who is more sought-after is also more desired. Don't come across as desperate by "confronting" a guy who isn't in a relationship with you; instead, take advantage of your current single status and have fun going on dates with different people.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    ^^^this. (what bluecastle said)
    If you are just out of a relationship and new(er) to online dating, there is a huge number of people only interested in electronic relationships now.

    If it's not something you are interested, don't hesitate by flushing them out.
    A simple question asking him what it is he's looking for (not with you, per se) but by going on a dating site, is a very fair question.

    Personally, when I was online dating and if I got the sense this was going on, I'd just tell them that I am not looking for electronic friends. If at anytime they are interested in spending any time with me in person, to let me know.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AZ27
    I have, I asked him out to this gig that I am thinking about going to and his response was 'im up for this. I have a couple of things in May that haven't confirmed dates like the 3 peaks challenge but ill find out when its happening and will confirm' so I'm assuming that is his way of flaking, because he mentioned that he had already booked it like three weeks ago, so should be aware of the date.
    Don't touch base with him again about it. Just go and if he texts you to chat, be scarce and let the contact fade. If he's not making plans to be with you then he's just a flake.

  11. #10
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    Waste if time. Do you want to date or have a pen pal?

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