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Thread: Breadcrumbs? Or nothing?

  1. #1
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    Breadcrumbs? Or nothing?

    Hi everyone, 1 month post BU for me and about 4 weeks of NC. I was dumped. It was a painful breakup... who I thought was the love of my life (sometimes still feel that way).

    I've been feeling -moderately- better. I moved back home, started a career training I've been wanting to do, got a cool new job, joined a gym, I'm staying really busy but allowing myself to feel grief.

    I got around to unpacking some boxes last week and found a bunch of belongings of my ex. Important things; I mailed them with a business-like note reading "found these in a box from when we moved. Take care".
    The day he receives the box he sends a letter to me (saw the date on the envelope) that contains a check for my portion of rent for the month.

    There is a brief note enclosed, saying "(*******), hope you're well and healing. Enclosed is your portion of rent for May. Love, (*********).

    ....love?! Guys, I was shaking when I opened the envelope and I literally fell over in big, heaving sobs when I read the note (obviously, I have more healing to do...now I feel I'm almost back to square 1).

    This is coming from a dumper who insisted I was the love of his life and he's never felt this way before but he was so hurt and betrayed by me (because I wasn't there for him during a stressful time) that he would never get over it and would maybe want to have limited contact in the extreme distant future as friends, but otherwise wants nothing to do with me. That he needed to work on stopping loving me but also think about a future with me.(?)

    And THIS is what he sends me? WHY wouldn't he just be distant and cold like I was in MY note? I thought this guy hated me with how he ended things and just loathed my existence. Now, theres NO WAY I'm responding to this. NC for MY health and healing.Also, he still needs to send some of my back!

    My family thinks he is dipping his toes in and feeling the water. I don't know what to think. He could just be really careless and stupid right now. I would consider reconciliation ONLY if he moved mountains.
    But honestly is this? Is this what they call breadcrumbs?
    Last edited by Swbymid; 05-07-2019 at 04:51 PM.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Don't read into it. People use the closing address of 'love' even for people they don't love. It's common.

    Don't undo the progress that you've already made. Just throw the letter away and concentrate on your new career and working out.

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    Sarah, thanks for your response. The last thing this guy said to me was that he was going to try to stop loving me. And then he sends this. Honestly, a couple of hours have gone by and I am feeling... powerful.

    Whatever the motive of his, he probably expects some sort of response. He knows how much I love him and how hard it is for me to give him space (part of our downfall). Well... he will hear nothing. And that feeling of power, whether it's only in my head, I'm going to channel into my new and improved self!

  4. #4
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Listen, a guy who dumps you doesn't have to try to stop loving you. He stopped loving you before he dumped you. He's probably 'cares for you' and is feeling guilty and he thinks it's a good idea to spout nonsense like that because maybe it will make you feel better. What he doesn't realize is that it makes you feel worse.

    He made a bunch of excuses as to why he ended it. It's obvious that he just wanted out, he's trying to smooth talk you. Don't buy into his bs. Feel powerful because you refuse to eat his breadcrumbs. Don't respond to him.

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  6. #5
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    OP you said HE said he felt hurt and betrayed by you? That you weren't "there" for him during a stressful time?

    In reference to what exactly?

    I read your previous thread and didn't see where you betrayed him, weren't there for him; you both had stressful issues at the time.

    Was HE there for you?

    Sounds like he's gaslighting you a bit there, he simply wanted out.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-07-2019 at 05:40 PM.

  7. #6
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    Katrina,
    Yep. We both had individual stuff going on and I'll admit, I was not equipped with relationship skills to handle it. But it was the same on his end.

    Went from 100% "you are my future" to "you need to move out".

    He has a lot of influence from his parents, who are very patriarchal and unwilling to talk about therapy and getting help, etc. I strongly believe they influenced him, even as a grown man. They used to love me and tell me they can't wait for us to get married and have children. Then they insisted I was unable to support him and put my needs aside.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Seems to me like he's just feeling guilty and his words don't mean what you're feeling. I'm sorry for the pain you're in. I hope things brighten soon. You deserve someone who makes you much happier and doesn't twirl you in confusing excuses and language like that. If you feel like you are confused and infuriated that's normal and you should look out after yourself. Take care of yourself and don't reply if you don't want to. I don't think it's healthy either.

    You got censored at the end there or it was a typo. What is it that he still has to give you? (second last paragraph, last sentence)

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    I'm definitely not responding. I didn't even have an immediate urge to. More like... anger. As in, how DARE he. When I have dumped people, I am so cognizant of how my actions and words will come off. I would never in a million years sign a post BU letter with 'love'. Or, even send a note. There was no need to send anything with the rent check. The memo on the check said RENT and I was expecting it back from someone, either him or the landlord.

    Anyway, yeah he has things of mine to send back. I literally packed my car and moved across the country the morning after he dumped me. I was only in that state to be with him. Lesson learned, lol. I was pretty distraught and overlooked some things/couldn't fit others in my car. When I got home after driving, I emailed him and said the least he could do is send me some things. He responded that he would send them in several weeks and will provide the tracking numbers. (Almost 5 weeks later...)

    Honestly, I don't care about my things anymore. Hence why I won't bring it up to him. Now that I am getting clarity, they are just things.

  10. #9
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    I would put it out of your head. I got back together with my ex and what I know for sure is that if someone wants to get back together he/she wants you to know that simply and directly with no waffling or confusion -why risk you being snapped up by someone else or getting over him? Yes, in a way my ex and I both tested the waters -we saw each other 3 times before he asked me if I wanted to get back together -three platonic evenings where there was definitely a spark. But that was because we both needed time to get reacquainted, to figure out what was going on -the spark was a surprise!

    I also remember another ex who ended things after 5 months because he wasn't feeling it. I was very upset. The next day he sent me a huge bouquet of flowers with a lovely note about how awesome I was, etc. Thank goodness for my dear and levelheaded friend who said (over the phone) that sure it was a grand gesture and no it didn't mean he wanted to get back together (she was right). I was able to put it out of my head but she certainly put me on the path to that. I hope you choose not to read into this.

  11. #10
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    Baty,

    You're right. Although I don't care to respond, I still need to not read into it.

    Even if he wanted me back and comes out and says it eventually, it would have to be weeks, if not months from now because I'm working on myself! And I'm not sure he is. And at that point, I might not have the thought of reconciliation anyway.

    But I can't help but feel a sense of power right now...

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