Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I have been seeing my partner for over a year . Things were fine initially . We had a couple of small disagreements that highlighted we needed to work on our communication.

 

In December she became particularly aggressive ( when drunk) . I can’t honestly recall how it started - but once it did she was relentless . Calling me a lot of names - the favourite beginning with C and ending in T .

 

I tried to go to bed . She came upstairs and carried on . I left the house and walked . It continued when I came back .

 

The next day there were lots of apologies and lots of promises to change . These haven’t happened .

 

There has been nothing as severe as December . But they are more regular . Each time the same pattern .

 

She is aggressive and refuses to reason . I tend to retreat and become quiet ( which I know doesn’t help a balanced discussion)

 

I have tried over the last few months to reconcile all this . To my own detriment . I feel anxious , tired and a little bewildered .

 

I told her the other day that I felt she was being emotionally abusive . She basically repeated what I had said back to me . Which I challenged . But got the same response . She has two faces . The one she wears most of the time . And the one she shows when she is not getting what she wants .

 

She wants to go to counselling / to work on it - I have no fight ( I feel) to do that ?

Link to comment

I think it's best to talk to her.. Get to know her from the inside, and not the person she shows to people - even you.

 

Her drinking problem, might be because of inner feelings that she couldn't let go of..

Once you kkow what that is, then you'll fully know whether you're capable of patching that part up or it's something that is not in your hands....

 

I'm not saying she's right, I'm just saying maybe she has issues mentally and emotionally that she covers with alcohol....

 

I'm a bit much too sometimes... Because I have mental disorders, I'm bipolar, depressed and have anxiety.. However I don't drink, I do smoke cigarettes though, it's the only way I can think straight....

Link to comment
I think it's best to talk to her.. Get to know her from the inside, and not the person she shows to people - even you.

 

Her drinking problem, might be because of inner feelings that she couldn't let go of..

Once you kkow what that is, then you'll fully know whether you're capable of patching that part up or it's something that is not in your hands....

 

I'm not saying she's right, I'm just saying maybe she has issues mentally and emotionally that she covers with alcohol....

 

I'm a bit much too sometimes... Because I have mental disorders, I'm bipolar, depressed and have anxiety.. However I don't drink, I do smoke cigarettes though, it's the only way I can think straight....

 

Her mental health is not OP's responsibility. If she wants to go to counseling for herself to figure it out.. Awesome, but it isn't OP's job to analyze and fix her. That's how you end up in a resentful parent/ child type relationship.

 

As of right now, I say OP should leave. If a wife were here saying how her husband abused her in this way, that's the advice she'd get. This situation is no different.

Link to comment
I think it's best to talk to her.. Get to know her from the inside, and not the person she shows to people - even you.

 

Her drinking problem, might be because of inner feelings that she couldn't let go of..

Once you kkow what that is, then you'll fully know whether you're capable of patching that part up or it's something that is not in your hands....

 

I'm not saying she's right, I'm just saying maybe she has issues mentally and emotionally that she covers with alcohol....

 

I'm a bit much too sometimes... Because I have mental disorders, I'm bipolar, depressed and have anxiety.. However I don't drink, I do smoke cigarettes though, it's the only way I can think straight....

 

Her behavior is unacceptable and she should not try to understand her. Her partner is abusive. Time to end this!

Link to comment

I'm sorry but when a partner is verbally abusive to this extent, the only solution is to leave. You can't reason with them and you aren't going to fix them either. Literally, if you want to stop the abuse, the only way is to leave the abuser.

 

If she is serious about fixing herself and her issues, she needs to be single and delve pretty much full time into structured and exhaustive therapy. For therapy to take effect, you are looking at her being single and fully dedicated to it for 1-3 years. This is not something a person can fix in a few visits. Also, any worthwhile therapist would demand that she remain single for the duration of the work to avoid falling into old habits. To stay with her trying to support her would actually be the opposite of supporting, it would be enabling her to carry on with abusive tendencies and slow the fixing process, if not fully stopping it.

 

Best for you to step far away and move on. You don't need someone abusing you in your life. As they say, life is too short.

Link to comment
I appreciate your responses . Is it abuse ? She repeats that back to me . Says she can’t talk about how she feels because it’s upsetting her. I’m just lost ..

 

Yes, it is abuse and yes, abusers invariably turn things around on their victim, blame the victim while making themselves out to be the victim. Abusers are highly manipulative people. Two faced, three faced, million faced if needed. Whatever it takes to get what they want out of any given individual. You already noticed this yourself - she seems to wear two faces. You are quite correct but for she probably wears more faces than you realize.

Link to comment

Personally, I've witnessed enough people who've gotten away with saying some incredibly nasty and abusive things which pierce much deeper than a curse but who do so softly, provoking a louder and justifiably emotionally charged response for the partner. That you don't know what caused the December argument (even if just potentially her own vapid insecurity) and that you've failed to provide context for your other arguments since doesn't leave me with enough to judge your relationship as strictly abusive rather than toxic or potentially "mutually" abusive.

 

However, whether abusive, toxic, mutually abusive, etc., it's quite obvious you're in an incredibly unhealthy environment. I'd chalk it up to a loss. If you so insist on working on it, I'd advise separate living quarters as you proceed with counseling. I don't know what the stakes are in terms of time-served, children, or joint assets to even make it arguably worth it, though.

Link to comment

I grew up with a verbally abusive mother. She abused us all but mostly my dad.

 

She would apologize profusely after blowing up, she said she tried to change. She never did. My father left her after 25 years of marriage, a few years later he met a lovely lady and now he is happy as a teenager with her, who is the opposite of his ex.

 

Abusers don't change, I believe that once they find a target, they will only get worse... do yourself a huge favor and walk out. Find someone more compatible for you, you deserve it.

Link to comment

Thank you . The arguments since have been around my ‘lack of effort ‘ . And there is an arguement that I’m not the same person . So yes , maybe toxic . What I’ve read about emotional abuse sent me looking for advice which led me here . So I’m happy for the counter argument .

 

I spend a lot of time analysing what I could do differently . That maybe there’s something wrong with me - I’m a rescuer - always have been . But this hurts a lot . And is taking its toll so I am different

Link to comment

Such a he said she said game. If you're feeling downtrodden, try and associate more with hobbies and people you feel will uplift you. You don't have to subject yourself to such behaviour. Make a decision and go with it. I have known very passive aggressive/hostile behaviours in my time which are just as antagonistic and unhelpful in any relationship. There's no way to really tell the true dynamic of your relationship through an online forum.

 

The best that anyone can do from afar is encourage you to believe in yourself and get out of an unhealthy situation. The rest of the legwork has to come from you. YOU need to make sure you don't find yourself in situations like these again. YOU need to figure out what's wrong with your choice in women. YOU need to figure out how you've contributed to the unhealthy situation as a whole and going forward, put yourself in better situations. Good luck.

Link to comment
Personally, I've witnessed enough people who've gotten away with saying some incredibly nasty and abusive things which pierce much deeper than a curse but who do so softly, provoking a louder and justifiably emotionally charged response for the partner. That you don't know what caused the December argument (even if just potentially her own vapid insecurity) and that you've failed to provide context for your other arguments since doesn't leave me with enough to judge your relationship as strictly abusive rather than toxic or potentially "mutually" abusive.

 

However, whether abusive, toxic, mutually abusive, etc., it's quite obvious you're in an incredibly unhealthy environment. I'd chalk it up to a loss. If you so insist on working on it, I'd advise separate living quarters as you proceed with counseling. I don't know what the stakes are in terms of time-served, children, or joint assets to even make it arguably worth it, though.

 

Bless this response.

 

You don’t need labels, by excusing staying as attempting to ‘figure her out’ it enables you to stay in this situation. you need to walk away from someone hurting you. That’s really the core solution here.

Link to comment

People can act abusive at times but that doesn’t necessarily equate to you being in an abusive relationship.

 

Having that many issues within the honeymoon phase (less than one year) is just an indicator that you two are incompatible. Time to move on.

 

There is no blame.

Link to comment

Is this a same-sex relationship? Why are you clinging so tightly to this? You've dated a year so you have known about her drinking, aggressive behavior and verbal abuse for a while. Does she have untreated mood or substance abuse disorders? This is not a 'lack of communication', this is a dysfunctional volatile situation.

 

She will not change. Go to counselling, but privately and confidentially by yourself to sort through some of this and decide what is best for you and why you have tolerated and stayed in an "emotionally abuse' situation this long.

I have been seeing my partner for over a year . Calling me a lot of names - the favourite beginning with C and ending in T .

I told her the other day that I felt she was being emotionally abusive

Link to comment

A derogatory term is just that.

D!ck, c^nt, pr!ck, whatever! They are simply terms thrown about intended to be derogatory but not actually gender specific despite the origin of meaning.

 

OP, you are not in an abusive relationship , you are in a disrespectful one. Imo.

You don’t need therapy , you are aware of the situation. You only need or will need therapy should you stay.

Do you want to stay?

Link to comment
A derogatory term is just that.

D!ck, c^nt, pr!ck, whatever! They are simply terms thrown about intended to be derogatory but not actually gender specific despite the origin of meaning.

 

OP, you are not in an abusive relationship , you are in a disrespectful one. Imo.

You don’t need therapy , you are aware of the situation. You only need or will need therapy should you stay.

Do you want to stay?

 

You think foul words and irrational screaming don't constitute abuse? I've got a reality check. They do.

Link to comment

I think it IS abuse. This happens on an ongoing basis and verbal abuse is still abuse. I don't think it's a good excuse to say it's fine for her to say those horrible things just because she was drunk and apologised later. For one thing she sounds like an alcoholic so that also needs to be addressed. But just being drunk doesn't necessarily make people abusive so I think she's in a minority of drunk people who act like this. I feel like maybe deep down she does have a nasty streak but manages to hide it sober because she understands social conventions. In any case, if she knows she gets like this then she has to take responsibility and not drink at all.

 

I say all this because I've also struggled with alcoholism but I don't get abusive to my knowledge. Back in 2010 I did about 3-4 detoxes and stayed in a rehab for a month and went to AA a lot and I got better. She needs to aknowledge her issues and actually DO something about them. If she's not willing to change then I think it might be time to end this.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...