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Thread: Need some common sense

  1. #11
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    It is abuse!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Personally, I've witnessed enough people who've gotten away with saying some incredibly nasty and abusive things which pierce much deeper than a curse but who do so softly, provoking a louder and justifiably emotionally charged response for the partner. That you don't know what caused the December argument (even if just potentially her own vapid insecurity) and that you've failed to provide context for your other arguments since doesn't leave me with enough to judge your relationship as strictly abusive rather than toxic or potentially "mutually" abusive.

    However, whether abusive, toxic, mutually abusive, etc., it's quite obvious you're in an incredibly unhealthy environment. I'd chalk it up to a loss. If you so insist on working on it, I'd advise separate living quarters as you proceed with counseling. I don't know what the stakes are in terms of time-served, children, or joint assets to even make it arguably worth it, though.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I grew up with a verbally abusive mother. She abused us all but mostly my dad.

    She would apologize profusely after blowing up, she said she tried to change. She never did. My father left her after 25 years of marriage, a few years later he met a lovely lady and now he is happy as a teenager with her, who is the opposite of his ex.

    Abusers don't change, I believe that once they find a target, they will only get worse... do yourself a huge favor and walk out. Find someone more compatible for you, you deserve it.

  4. #14
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    Worst word she can think of

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Thank you . The arguments since have been around my Ďlack of effort Ď . And there is an arguement that Iím not the same person . So yes , maybe toxic . What Iíve read about emotional abuse sent me looking for advice which led me here . So Iím happy for the counter argument .

    I spend a lot of time analysing what I could do differently . That maybe thereís something wrong with me - Iím a rescuer - always have been . But this hurts a lot . And is taking its toll so I am different

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Abzesc50
    Worst word she can think of
    Worst for me, too!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Such a he said she said game. If you're feeling downtrodden, try and associate more with hobbies and people you feel will uplift you. You don't have to subject yourself to such behaviour. Make a decision and go with it. I have known very passive aggressive/hostile behaviours in my time which are just as antagonistic and unhelpful in any relationship. There's no way to really tell the true dynamic of your relationship through an online forum.

    The best that anyone can do from afar is encourage you to believe in yourself and get out of an unhealthy situation. The rest of the legwork has to come from you. YOU need to make sure you don't find yourself in situations like these again. YOU need to figure out what's wrong with your choice in women. YOU need to figure out how you've contributed to the unhealthy situation as a whole and going forward, put yourself in better situations. Good luck.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Personally, I've witnessed enough people who've gotten away with saying some incredibly nasty and abusive things which pierce much deeper than a curse but who do so softly, provoking a louder and justifiably emotionally charged response for the partner. That you don't know what caused the December argument (even if just potentially her own vapid insecurity) and that you've failed to provide context for your other arguments since doesn't leave me with enough to judge your relationship as strictly abusive rather than toxic or potentially "mutually" abusive.

    However, whether abusive, toxic, mutually abusive, etc., it's quite obvious you're in an incredibly unhealthy environment. I'd chalk it up to a loss. If you so insist on working on it, I'd advise separate living quarters as you proceed with counseling. I don't know what the stakes are in terms of time-served, children, or joint assets to even make it arguably worth it, though.
    Bless this response.

    You donít need labels, by excusing staying as attempting to Ďfigure her outí it enables you to stay in this situation. you need to walk away from someone hurting you. Thatís really the core solution here.

  10. #19
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    People can act abusive at times but that doesnít necessarily equate to you being in an abusive relationship.

    Having that many issues within the honeymoon phase (less than one year) is just an indicator that you two are incompatible. Time to move on.

    There is no blame.

  11. #20
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    Thank you all . Iíve got a lot to think about - including the way that I deal with things . I appreciate the time you all took to respond x

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