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Should I stay or go (in love with a married Muslim man)


Lougee

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I've been in a relationship with a married Muslim man for a year now.

At first it was only about work, he was a client. We met on LinkedIn.

Started messaging for months, about 6 months before we actually met each other.

Those 6 months was only about work and projects..

When we met, it was an unfortunate time for me, as I had financial issues.

He helped. We started messaging again and he started to come over my place every now and then.

When I asked I'm if he has a wife he said "HAD". It was grammatically wrong, I didn't know that time..

I thought he was divorced..

He lied about a lot of things, things which I already have forgiven and moved on about it.

 

After a few months, He introduced me to his mom and kid.

They both liked me.

He slept over countless times until it became an everyday thing (though I don't know what time hell be home).

His wife just gave birth to twins at that time, and his mom was okay about our relationship.

He had problems at work, and lost his job.

He had to send home his wife and kids as well as his mother.

I was with him through everything, all his problems, trying to solve them, handling paper work, everything.

When his wife left, we started to officially live together...

He had so much problems and I was trying to be there for him, trying to solve them with him.

 

Im bipolar, depressed and have anxiety.

I'm a bit much to handle.

 

I always ask him when he'll tell his wife the truth..

He kept on saying "a matter of time"

Came to a point I begged him to love me and choose.. He still couldn't.

Begged him again, he still said he couldn't...

Up until now, he still couldn't.

 

Up until now it hurts me to see his wife message as if they were okay.

According to him he has not spoken to her for months now.

And I try to believe it.

But I can't help wonder how come she messages him as if things were fine.

 

According to him their marriage is no longer about love. It's about responsibilities.

And he's staying married for the kids.

 

Now everything's a mess.. There money issues, petty fights, p*rn, dating sites, wife issue, my own issues with my life like work and a visa, he as well has a problem with his work and visa.

 

For a few days now I've been quiet.

I've been crying, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat.

I don't want to leave him... But do I even have a choice?

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I honestly do not know...

I truly love him... I keep on saying to myself that one day he will change...

 

He's Muslim, he's allowed to marry 4..

However I am not approving it.. And I know his wife will not to.

 

I mean, why stay in a marriage if both are unhappy..

I know he doesn't want to leave her...

 

I'm just silly.... I guess I have no one to talk with regarding this...

I'm just hurt...... And I don't know what to do..

My mind is telling me to leave... But my heart is telling me to stay..

At some point its the other way around..

Sometimes my mind is saying "you can still hold on, who cares, it's better than another stranger again"

And my heart is saying "but I can't anymore, I deserve better"

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Im bipolar, depressed and have anxiety.

I'm a bit much to handle.

 

This jumped out at me.

I can't help but wonder if you don't feel you deserve better.

As if you are so much to handle, you're grateful for the attention this man gives you.

 

If you didn't have these challenges (bipolar, etc) would you be in this situation or do you think you'd be worthy of a better suited partner? Be honest with yourself.

 

And. . what do you mean about dating sites, porn etc? Because if he is living a double life and doing these things, he doesn't love you.

 

I think you are confusing being very attached to someone vs love.

Love doesn't look like any of this.

 

who cares, it's better than another stranger again"

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@reinventmyself

Ive been into too many failed relationships...

And to be honest it's not because of me.. Not because I cheated, not because I didn't give it my all..

 

I guess I'm just unlucky in love.

It's just that everytime a man would hurt me, I would give it a chance...

Until I have my breakdowns...

And u try so hard no to..

It's so hard battling with my mind everyday.. Feeling unworthy, as how he is making me feel. But still be able to love him so much...

 

I'm tired of jumping to another relationship..

And sometimes I feel like I don't want to waste the love I gave, and how much I changed for him..

Sometimes I feel. Like I'm willing to just accept that this is the best I can have......

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@reinventmyself

Ive been into too many failed relationships...

And to be honest it's not because of me.. Not because I cheated, not because I didn't give it my all..

 

I guess I'm just unlucky in love.

It's just that everytime a man would hurt me, I would give it a chance...

Until I have my breakdowns...

And u try so hard no to..

It's so hard battling with my mind everyday.. Feeling unworthy, as how he is making me feel. But still be able to love him so much...

 

I'm tired of jumping to another relationship..

And sometimes I feel like I don't want to waste the love I gave, and how much I changed for him..

Sometimes I feel. Like I'm willing to just accept that this is the best I can have......

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OP,

I really think you need to take time to heal yourself. This situation doesn't sound healthy for you long term, and the cultural acceptance of multiple wives vs your seeming monogamy is the most glaring example. But it's not a point to get hung up on in this discussion; rather your willingness to be miserable for the sake of "love." I truly believe that you are in love with love rather than this fellow. Your instincts seem to be rebelling against staying, please listen.

 

You sound like a warm and caring individual, but one that struggles with being alone; it's really difficult at times feeling like you are left out of the whole being in love game. It causes cycles of depression and anxiety, which throw in your bi-polar is another layer to deal with. This fellow isn't in the long run going to help you, because I see this as a huge and disastrous failed relationship.

 

For going forward, which I hope you do, slow down entering into relationships. Feel out a potential partner over a longer period, and don't rush yourself into labeling it. If I may ask how old are you?

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@reinventmyself

Ive been into too many failed relationships...

And to be honest it's not because of me.. Not because I cheated, not because I didn't give it my all..

 

I guess I'm just unlucky in love.

It's just that everytime a man would hurt me, I would give it a chance...

Until I have my breakdowns...

And u try so hard no to..

It's so hard battling with my mind everyday.. Feeling unworthy, as how he is making me feel. But still be able to love him so much...

 

I'm tired of jumping to another relationship..

And sometimes I feel like I don't want to waste the love I gave, and how much I changed for him..

Sometimes I feel. Like I'm willing to just accept that this is the best I can have......

Unless you accept that this is very much about you, you will continue to choose the similar partners with similar results.

 

You aren't unlucky in love. You don't love yourself.

 

When you stay after someone hurts you, you are basically telling them you are willing to tolerate it and you don't believe you deserve better.

 

How about you spend some time single and learn to love and accept yourself before you go and try and get yourself filled up by men who don't appreciate you to begin with?

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Me being hurt had always been about the fear of being alone...

I've been alone all my life....

I don't have "love" from family, and don't have much friends either...

It was always men who brought me in, took me in and made me feel at some point I was important...

 

Sometimes I blame myself....

I feel like it's my fault.....

 

I see to it that I always give it my all...

Because I don't want to lose a person....

 

The irony is that after I breakup with them, they tend to come back.... And after years that I have not contacted them, they still try to message me in any way they could...

Saying hi, and all..

I can't help but think, if I wasnt a hood woman then why are they still contacting me...

But if I were a good woman then why did they treat me like I was nothing..

 

In my current relationship, it's about culture and religion, I want to believe him, well Atleast that's what I've been doing for the past year...

I know my worth dear.... But I fail in proving that to myself...

I kkow I deserve better, but my heart always tells me to stay

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Hi Coily, I'm 29.... A mother of two.... From two different exes.......

My daughter is 8 my son is 10..

 

Im sorry about having the urge to say this in public... About my feelings.... But I feel so alone....

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There comes a point where you have to do what you have to do, whether you like it or not. I know you won't like this advice. You are coddling yourself too much. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your kids to do everything within reason to be well and provide a healthy environment and role model. You are dropping the ball, and excusing it in the name of love and your fear to be on your own.

Here's some things you could do today:

Look into and book a therapist

Take the time you spend thinking and talking to this guy use it to put into yourself and your kids.

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This man is married and treats his wife like dirt. All the other details do not matter.

Please seek counseling and please cut off communication with him.

Please get help for the sake of your children - who are watching and learning how to let other people treat them right now.

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Financial issues (1st paragraph, line 5)

Please make sure you figure out your work situation and stabilize yourself. I understand you're not feeling good right now but that will get much worse if you can't support yourself. Do you support yourself? Start with a healthy dose of osmosis: start filtering better energies into your life, healthy hobbies and interests that keep you motivated and feel good about yourself. Start structuring your life. At this rate, there won't be much left of it if you allow your work situation to get worse. Take care of yourself and stop depending on others to bail you out. He bailed you out once and he didn't turn out to be much to write home about.

 

Go on and start taking care of yourself better.

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Why on earth would he choose you or his wife when he can have both?

 

One to be a mother to his kids and the other to have sex with?

 

You are choosing to be his mistress. Why?

You certainly are not unlucky in love , you make poor choices.

 

You have a chance now to make a good choice. What are you going to do?

Get out or have history repeat itself?

Entirely up to you !

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The best thing to do is go to the doctor for a checkup and reassessment of the mood disorder. It seems you are suffering from some untreated, unresolved issues from that. Including poor judgement (affair with married guy) and mood, eating and sleep disturbances.

I've been in a relationship with a married Muslim man for a year now.

 

Im bipolar, depressed and have anxiety.

There money issues, petty fights, p*rn, dating sites, wife issue, my own issues with my life like work and a visa, he as well has a problem with his work and visa.

 

I've been crying, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat.

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You are not Muslim though? I think you are just trying to excuse his behaviour by saying he's allowed to have four wives in his culture. Keep in mind he hasn't actually married you nor even asked you to marry him. So in this case you are not a wife, you are just a side piece, sorry. Let's just say if he does want to have two wives then why hasn't he asked you to marry him? I don't think he feels that seriously about you and he is choosing his original wife. He does not want to leave her or want a divorce from her. I think this is going to end very badly for you.

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Hi Coily, I'm 29.... A mother of two.... From two different exes.......

My daughter is 8 my son is 10..

 

Im sorry about having the urge to say this in public... About my feelings.... But I feel so alone....

 

Lougee, getting your feelings out is what ENA is for, and some tough love when needed.

 

At 36 and having been single for just about all of it, I understand the feeling of being alone; at times utterly alone and isolated. It's a desperate feeling; but you have something a lot of lonely people don't kids. Make sure not to discount the joys and frustrations they bring you, while not a silver bullet at least they can allow you to focus on their care. I think what you are missing is someone looking out for you, and since you're 29 I am willing to bet there are options you just haven't considered.

 

What is they typical kind of guy you go for? The think of a man who is 90° to 180° different from your "type" and explore on the positive side of them. If your typical is tall, dark, and handsome; maybe you need to think about the average, light, and homely... Loneliness can make us all reach out to the first available that even vaguely resembles what we want without regard to who. We fall in love with love, not who we are with.

 

Overall your situation isn't healthy, you see it and acknowledge it; but it's hard to be alone. Sometimes though romantically alone is the best thing we can do for ourselves, I'm getting over an ex right now and it feels pretty good being alone!

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I am still married in papers. Been separated for 6 years and counting.

But don't have enough for annulment.

 

But yes, we talked about it. And we are planning for it in the future.

Just not now..... I guess.

 

If I'm. Only a side piece I don't think he would introduce me to his family.. His mom and brother.. And his son.

It's more serious than what everyone thinks.

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I am still married in papers. Been separated for 6 years and counting.

But don't have enough for annulment.

 

But yes, we talked about it. And we are planning for it in the future.

Just not now..... I guess.

 

If I'm. Only a side piece I don't think he would introduce me to his family.. His mom and brother.. And his son.

It's more serious than what everyone thinks.

 

It does not matter. He is married and has a wife.

Where does that leave you?

The side piece?

Looking to make you the second wife and be a bigamist?

And does this mother speak English and understand that he is introducing you as a lover and not a random friend or business contact?

 

And even if you are the love of us life, he will put you away just like he sent his wife back home like she is nothing.

 

You are still married, yourself.

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Yes his mother and I talk on a daily basis.

And yes she knows.. They all know.

 

And for me, I just need enough money to get an annulment. It's different. You can't. You can't make a person's past its prison.

 

Before you even judge lemme just explain to you.

My ex husband is a drug addict, alcoholic, and has abused me physically, mentally and verbally.

We were married only for a few months, then separated.

We both are not that rich, having an annulment costs a lot of money.

 

 

And regarding that "side piece" no, I'm not.

You're judging because you don't understand it.

 

He is muslim, he can marry 4.

The only thing I ask is for Jim tk be honest with the first one, and let her decide whether to stay or not.

I'm not asking for him to divorce him.

 

Before you start calling people out with names, it won't hurt to ask. It won't hurt to do your research.

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Yes his mother and I talk on a daily basis.

And yes she knows.. They all know.

 

And for me, I just need enough money to get an annulment. It's different. You can't. You can't make a person's past its prison.

 

Before you even judge lemme just explain to you.

My ex husband is a drug addict, alcoholic, and has abused me physically, mentally and verbally.

We were married only for a few months, then separated.

We both are not that rich, having an annulment costs a lot of money.

 

 

And regarding that "side piece" no, I'm not.

You're judging because you don't understand it.

 

He is muslim, he can marry 4.

The only thing I ask is for Jim tk be honest with the first one, and let her decide whether to stay or not.

I'm not asking for him to divorce him.

 

Before you start calling people out with names, it won't hurt to ask. It won't hurt to do your research.

 

Soooo....do you know that its illegal to have more than one wife in the United States?

Do you know if he has multiple wives, you will be romanced until he sets his sights on wife #3?

He will not leave his wife to marry you.

 

If the only thing preventing you from marrying this man is getting an annulment - don't get one so you won't.

 

 

Honestly, you cannot get an annulment unless you married illegally (you were a minor, someone scammed you) or you married for only a couple hours.

Having a crappy marriage is divorce, not an annulment

There are annulments in different religions, but you have to legally be divorced to pursue one and they cost nothing.

 

You really need counseling.

WAKE UP!!!

REALITY CHECK!

 

And what happens to your two kids from two different men if you go with this guy? Do they get abandoned by you and are raised by their fathers or your parents?

Do they get human trafficked into some middle eastern country?

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