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Thread: Advice about my situation

  1. #1
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    Advice about my situation

    Hello everyone ! First of all thanks for all the solace i found here by reading tons of stories and advices, this has been a tough month for me after my breakup, but i'm on the right path.


    To summarize, I was with this girl from Jan. 2018 to Mar. 2019. Things could look a bit complicated at first but went really good right after we got together. I'm the best friend to his brother for 12 years now, also we have a significant age gap at our age (i'm 23 and she is 18). I only started to know her like 6 months before we started dating (at that time, she was 17 and that's when she started hanging out with her brother who was 22, just like me).

    It was my first everything, also I wasn't very confident before i dated her. On her side, she has had many insignificant relationships (most of them were 1 month long at most). She kind of made the moves to date me, we ended up having a really beautiful 14-months story together, as we are two really romantic people, and we wanted the same things back then. But one month before the breakup, she started feeling really bad. First I couldn't figure what was wrong but then I learned it in late march : she was starting to fall in love for another friend of hers, and she felt like cheating on me, and putting a knife through my hearth.

    We ended up breaking up, but there was really poor communication. On her side, she didn't want to hurt me too badly so she didn't tell me the things clearly, and on my side I didn't want to let go, as I was terribly in love with her. I realised I needed to grieve, and to not contact her, which I (almost) did for 6 weeks now. I only contacted her 4 weeks ago, when she told me her family was really mad at her for what she had done to me, and that they did not accept her choices at all... Also she got with this new guy right after. She told me that I couldn't understand her well enough (while he could), which is true I'm sure, but on her side she was not willing to be understood either...



    Anyways, I went through grief, with help from my family and relatives (also a friend of my mother's who is a therapist) and I'm at a point where I don't obsess about her every minute anymore, and I understand the things in our relation that couldn't work. The thing is that I still feel something special towards her (and I think she does too, although I might be wrong). I'm also willing to fix things up even if they're clearly messed up.

    Of course, I don't wanna bother her if she does not want to hear from me at all, but at the same time, I didn't want to hear from her during this grief process, and I kind of feel like i'm ready to talk without ressentment now. She also is in a very hard part of her life, and I know that she has a kind of self-loathing personnality... She hates her for some things she does (I'm pretty sure that she felt bad for doing that to me...). I feel like I shouldn't contact her at all, and that if she wanted to, she'd do it, I just feel like I should let her know that if she wants to talk, I'm here to listen ...?


    Also note that I have blocked her on every network since the last talk we had, but we still can contact each other by telephone (although none of us two has tried to)

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry, that you are going through this.

    My friend, she is a liar and cheat. She thought nothing of getting involved with another man while being with you. This is not the type of girl you want to be with. If she loved you, she would have NEVER have done this. Stop romanticizing things. What she did was terrible! She did not care about your feelings and disrespected you.

    If you go back to her, it will show that you do not love or respect yourself. I can also guarantee she will do it again!

    Do not contact her. You must stay no contact. She is bad news. Block her on everything. You would be a fool to try to reconcile.

    Lastly, she is not your friend. Move on with your life.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-07-2019 at 11:51 AM.

  3. #3
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    Yes as above, shes a cheat. Block and delete on all social media and dont contact her or reply to her if she contacts you. She is not a good choice of partner. Do not accept an offer of 'friendship'.

    It hurts now but will pass and on the plus side you are very young and have plenty of time to meet other people.

  4. #4
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    I kind of agree with you guys but I also feel like she's lost, and that she did that "on a whim".
    We're both young, and everyone can make mistakes (yeah, this is more than a mistake, I acknowledge that)...

    Also, as she told me that I wasn't understanding her the proper way, that tells me that maybe i haven't be a good listener to her (I know I don't have most of the fault as she does, but still I have my part). Anyways I feel like she did things that made her "self-disgust" and i'm willing to tell her that I'm not angry at her, and that I'm ready to listen to her... Maybe I should just not

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  6. #5
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    You are not her therapist. Who cares if she is "lost!" She treated you like sh*t! C'mon!
    Stop looking for excuses for her to disrespect you, again!

    If she was not happy, then she could have told you, not cheated on you. Very common for cheater to blame the victim. This shows what type of person she is. Not nice.

    Are you also going to listen to her talk about her boyfriend?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Are you also going to listen to her talk about her boyfriend?
    I guess you're right... It was also the first girl I ever loved and I ever got in a strong relation with, I should just look for other relations to grow up (even if this relation, and even more the breakup made me grow up A LOT)

    I suppose I am acting poorly by feeling able to forgive her, but still... I do think I love and I respect myself, but I loved her a lot too, and to me it still feels like something beautiful was spoilt here :/

  8. #7
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    She "spoilt" it, not you. She did not value you. That is on her.

    Block and delete her.

  9. #8
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    When people try and make someone feel guilty about something at the end of the relationship it is usually because that person has cheated and she cannot handle what she has done so tried to force it onto you.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    When people try and make someone feel guilty about something at the end of the relationship it is usually because that person has cheated and she cannot handle what she has done so tried to force it onto you.
    It's not really that I feel guilty... I just feel like I can forgive her :/ I know she did the wrong, and I think she knows that too...

  11. #10
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    You can forgive her, that does not mean that you should be in her life. It is called self preservation, unless you are looking for her to dump all over you again.

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