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Thread: Two weeks after breakup, he started dating.

  1. #1
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    Two weeks after breakup, he started dating.

    I recently broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend. To give an overview, the age difference between us didn't bother me, in fact, it was not an issue. I'm 26, he's 38. He was married, not yet annulled, but the wife is willing to cooperate (or so she said). We do not live together under the same roof. I have my own place, he lives in his family's house (with his married sister and unmarried brother), and I spend the weekends with him in their place. Our set up was just fine with me.

    9 months into the relationship and no talks about the annulment. I don't dare be the first one to bring it up knowing that it should be him who must take the initiative to discuss whatever plans he has with me. Once I asked him about his plans for annulment, and in the country where I live in, it usually takes years for the annulment to be approved. He cannot give me any concrete plans. He's not saving up aggressively for the expenses either.

    After that conversation with him, I realized that maybe, I need to be more realistic and move on with my life -- without him. But I do not know how to tell him about it or how to break up with him. I do not even have the heart to do it being so in love with him to the point where all I wanted to do is to be with him, cook for him, care for him, give him a home. One night, we had a stupid argument about dinner. Then, that argument turned into few days of not talking with each other which was followed by an explosive argument. He accused me that I have plans of going back to my ex and get married with him. I was appalled. My ex and I were not even talking. The argument turned into lengthy rants of him telling me "I made you my world and this is how you are going to pay me?" and so on.

    To make the long, messy story short, we eventually broke up. He asked me to be honest with him, and so I told him my worries, anxieties, and fears. He didn't even ask me to reconsider. He just agreed. I was so fazed by the turn of events, and the emotional me want to work things out with him. I want to talk with him, make clear plans for the future, and get back with him. I tried calling, texting, sending him emails, he won't reply. Two weeks later, just a few days ago, I learned from a common friend that he started dating again and that the photos of him dating again were posted all over social media.

    I didn't know how to feel or what to say or what to think. I just felt a strong grip in my chest from the shock of the news. I forced myself out to cry feeling that I was about to get short of breath from the pain in my chest. Again, out of desperation, I called him, he didn't answer.

    Now, I'm totally lost. So many what if's, so many whys, so many unanswered questions.

  2. #2
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    Hey hon, wow what an awful situation. I deal with anxiety so I can definitely relate to you. You must feel a big hole in your life now. I do think that the age difference shows that you two are in different life stages. the fact that he didn't even argue with you when it ended in order to iron things out, and just "accepted" shows he was already emotionally moving on from the relationship. Therefore, would you really want to try to work out things with a man who was so distant and ready for breaking up? You deserve so much better. I think it is normal to hound yourself with What If's but they will not help you in the long run. You are overwhelmed right now and processing and I promise in time you will be able to see the situation more objectively. Soon many board members will be giving you advice and they are all amazing!! bluecastle, katrina1980 Rose Mosse and a myriad of others. =)

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You can see that his situation when you met him was indicative of how he operates, and so of course his pattern of taking up with another woman without proper steps of clean breaks and a long time to heal, he leaps to another victim.

    This is an opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes. Never again enter into a relationship with a guy who has unfinished business or is not in a good state to be a partner to anyone. Tell your friends you no longer want to hear about him. Delete him from all of your social media. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list for a partner, and vow to stick to it. Concentrate on yourself right now so you can heal and move on. Pamper yourself and spend time with hobbies and girlfriends. Take care.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about all this. Breakups are always painful, whatever the circumstances.

    I know it may not seem like it now, but reading what you wrote it strikes me that you've dodged a bullet with this one. For starters, he sounds a bit frozen in his separated, not-quite-divorced state: living with family, not making any financial plans for his future, and not even really taking the steps to end his marriage. All that is a passive approach to life, which is neither attractive or noble, but simply weak. Whether that's a temporary state or who he is, it's something he's going to have to get out of (or not) on his own, and for the time being he sounds like someone who uses a relationship to escape those personal responsibilities. Not cool, not cute, and not the foundation for a relationship that can really expand and deepen.

    But the big thing here—the thing that, in your shoes, would have me walking on, head high, without looking back—was the moment he accused you of going back to your ex. That's manipulation, pure gaslighting, his own insecurities wielded like a knife. It's an attempt to shift blame on you because he knows he's not in the best of states and doesn't have the stones to handle it on his own. The fact that it was such an outrageous and unfounded accusation, I think, is probably his own unresolved feelings for his ex surfacing or his own emotional ambivalence about your relationship coming out sideways. He's assigning nasty traits to you to make the nasty traits in himself seem, well, less nasty. There is never an excuse for that, and please know that a good man would not treat you like that, ever.

    As for him jumping right back into dating, I know that hurts, no two ways about it. But frankly? It's just another sign of weakness, of a man who can't stand on his own two feet and look himself in the mirror. It's more pathetic than anything else, like going to the bar and getting drunk instead of, you know, dealing with life. It's nothing to be jealous of, really, but just another sign that you are better off disconnected from a man with this kind of slipshod character. Being older than you, maybe there were ways, at least early, where he seemed appealingly wise and experienced. But that's just artifice, lipstick on the proverbial pig. I'm his age and I can tell you straight up that, from what you've described, this man is not a man, not now, but a child. You may be 12 years younger, but you're levels above him in many ways.

    Age differences can work, of course, but moving forward I'd use this relationship as a reminder that just because a man is older it doesn't mean he's more mature, or more stable, than someone closer to your age. That's not a hard rule—life is too complex for hard rules—but the guy you've described? He'd struggle to find a woman closer to his age who would take him seriously, or who would invest in him until he really got out of his marriage. Why do I say that? Well, I'll take drop the Wise Man language and admit I've been in a version of those shoes, gravitating toward younger partners (subconsciously) when I had a few things in my life that I'd rather look away from than handle directly.

    Anyhow, I hope some of that helps. And, of course, hugs. These moments in life simply suck, but they do make us stronger and the heart is a wildly resilient organ. When you're ready to date again, just know that you should never be scared to bring up anything that bothers you, anything you're concerned about. It sounds like part of what made this "work" is that you were cautious from the beginning about rocking the boat—about asserting your needs, concerns, and feelings. But it didn't work, not really, because all of those are values—they are, alas, your head and your heart, the very things you want seen, respected, and cherished by a partner.

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  6. #5
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    You were only with him 9 months.
    How long was he married and how long ago did they split?
    When you say annulment do you mean divorce?

    It doesn’t cost much at all to divorce. The cost is more about shared assets.

    Why are you dating a married man? And giving him any of your time?

  7. #6
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    Thank you all for the feedback. I wasn’t expecting this much warmth from you guys.
    I live in the Philippines and in our country, annulment is the only option to end a marriage.
    Why I dated him? I fell in love with him, cliché as it is. I am ready to give my time and effort to him. Have even envisioned myself being the home maker in our own house. He was married to his still legal wife for 5 years but they were together for 13 years.

    Now that I have read all your feedback, it makes sense to me now. I’ve had these realizations in the last few days but I guess I was too overwhelmed with the abruptness of everything that has happened. The break up, him ignoring all my efforts to talk to him, and then the “dating” thing.

    I guess at some point when one is engulfed in all the emotions, it’s easier to resort to emotions and lose sight of the more rational things.

    I have my own place, earns my own money, pay my own bills, and is making the life that I want. I’m not rich but i make a decent amount of money to go on holidays from time to time. My life’s been like this since I was 21. He never moved out of his family’s house, doesn’t even have a car of his own, drives a motorcycle, is content with doing gigs as a drummer on the side. I have accepted all these thinking that I don’t need to depend on him because I have my own means. On the more rational end, it’s clear to me now that the “us” I envisioned is impossible. He never asked me to move in with him so that we’ll have our own place. I never mentioned it to him since I don’t want to sound demanding or clingy. A

    And yes, I know, even if he finds 10 other more girls to date after me, as long as his still legally married, nothing changes for him.

    I will soon be okay. Life goes on. Tomorrow I will be tired of crying my eyes out.

  8. #7
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    Wow, look at everything you wrote. Do you see how smart you are? And strong? You are a total catch. You deserve to be treated as such. <3 The sooner you let this go, the sooner you can move on and find what you are looking for.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    Wow, look at everything you wrote. Do you see how smart you are? And strong? You are a total catch. You deserve to be treated as such. <3 The sooner you let this go, the sooner you can move on and find what you are looking for.
    ^^ this. You got caught up in the romance of it which everyone does at various points throughout their life. And that's not to say we should throw romance out the window... just that we need to also be objective and observe the actions of the people we are giving our heart to so that we can determine whether they are worthy of it.

  10. #9
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    Again, thank you for the insights. I’d like to think of this moment in the future as a road block leading me to a better road than this one which has been under indefinite repair.

    Sharing my feelings and dilemma with you helped a lot.

  11. #10
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    This is the perfect example of why one should not date married men. You were a rebound for him.

    Do not reach out to him. Find someone who is available. He also sounds like a loser. Find someone that is on your level, not someone you have to mother and support.

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