From dating to friends to nothing

I posted not long ago on here about dating a guy and then realising he was potentially “bi” so we decided to stop dating and see if we could be friends. Against most advice i decided to try hang out with him and see if I could be (I don’t have a lot of friends who like doing same things as me) anyway surprisingly it was platonic and easy and I didn’t have feelings still. Anywho we both discussed that we are just friends now (no potential of fwb or anything of the sort) and there’s no flirting or anything. Well we’ve hung out like 3 times for walks etc - I saw him yesterday and we went for a bush walk and he said the previous night we could grab dinner after - he was real weird on the walk and quite and I asked if he was ok and he was like “kind of” but wouldn’t say what was up and said he’s just not feeling great and progressively got quieter then mid way he said he was going to rain check on grabbing dinner after. I can’t help but feel as though I did something where now he can’t stand to be around me anymore but not sure what... I was the same as I always am however was a little tired and mentioned this when I first saw him and he seemed fine at the start. I’m feel rejected and as though he doesn’t want me as a friend anymore. I dress pretty dorky when walking but I didn’t think this would matter as there’s no need to impress him anymore, I wonder if this put him off? I just feel bummed out as I was myself and nice the whole time and that’s not enough. I find it really hard to make friends so was happy I had one now I feel sad I lost him. :( I did think it would be weird to have dinner after as we stick to day time activities now but thought if it was somewhere casual it wouldn’t matter... I haven’t heard from him since - I deleted his number as I already asked him a few times on the walk if he was ok and if there was anything he wanted to talk about but didn’t want to press it.. any one have any thoughts as what I could have done?

You're not dating or friends, so just let it be and get on some dating apps to find straight interested men. Find friends you have more in common with.

According to your previous posts all your dates were “walking”

Did you inappropriately wear high heels then?

Why are you even questioning what you wore?

According to your previous posts all your dates were “walking”

Did you inappropriately wear high heels then?

Why are you even questioning what you wore?

Haha no I didn’t. I just felt a bit daggier and guess just trying to think of reasons for the sudden change..

You're not dating or friends, so just let it be and get on some dating apps to find straight interested men. Find friends you have more in common with.

I’m on the apps, not as easy for some to “attract” potential people, which I guess is why I take it harder when it doesn’t work out because it’s so hard to get that stage to begin with. It’s hard to make new friends!

It's hard to make new friends I agree! And even harder if it's someone you recently dated. Have you considered volunteering backstage at a local community theater? I know of many people who made friends -close friends -and met spouses -in this way.

Haha no I didn’t. I just felt a bit daggier and guess just trying to think of reasons for the sudden change..

At least now you can realise that any change had nothing to do with you!

Rejection is never personal to the “rejected” person and only ever personal to the person rejecting.

It is something you will never know , it is also something you never need to know.

When people decide not to date and say "let's be friends" - it means "let's not leave as enemies". It doesn't mean that you transform into best buds. He wants to find someone to date. He is not looking for more friends. Why not join some groups based on your interests instead of hanging on to people you went on a date with?

Some people can do this, some can't. And, of course, it varies from situation to situation.

While we're all focusing on his behavior, I can't help but feel that you're not ready to be friends with him. So he got a little weird, canceled plans? That's something friends might do from time to time, and it doesn't mean we delete their number less than 24 hours later. We just kind of shrug, noting that our friend is in a weird mood—one of those little things that resolve themselves in time.

And, hey, it's totally cool if you're not ready, if he's not ready, if this little experiment in dating-to-friends isn't yielding the desired results. One place where successful relationships in romance and friendship are aligned is that we do best by knowing our limits and putting energy into the people who serve us best, and vise versa. Those that get us into overthinking knots and trigger feelings of rejection? Well, not for us.

When people decide not to date and say "let's be friends" - it means "let's not leave as enemies". It doesn't mean that you transform into best buds. He wants to find someone to date. He is not looking for more friends. Why not join some groups based on your interests instead of hanging on to people you went on a date with?

Yeh I realised that now. I did meet him at a group I was hoping to make friends in and now feel awkward to go back to it if he’s still there unfortunately - I don’t want to think I’m only going now because he’s there.

Some people can do this, some can't. And, of course, it varies from situation to situation.

 

While we're all focusing on his behavior, I can't help but feel that you're not ready to be friends with him. So he got a little weird, canceled plans? That's something friends might do from time to time, and it doesn't mean we delete their number less than 24 hours later. We just kind of shrug, noting that our friend is in a weird mood—one of those little things that resolve themselves in time.

 

And, hey, it's totally cool if you're not ready, if he's not ready, if this little experiment in dating-to-friends isn't yielding the desired results. One place where successful relationships in romance and friendship are aligned is that we do best by knowing our limits and putting energy into the people who serve us best, and vise versa. Those that get us into overthinking knots and trigger feelings of rejection? Well, not for us.

Thanks this is very true. I should of just shrugged it off. I guess it’s a blessing in disguise, I don’t really want to be hanging out with a guy all the time when I could be focusing on meeting people who want to hang out with me potentially more then a friend or with friends who I haven’t had a romantic interest in. Thank you for your words.

Why don't you join a walking club? What are your other interests?

Volunteer in your community. Make more of a effort.

I’m on the apps, not as easy for some to “attract” potential people, which I guess is why I take it harder when it doesn’t work out because it’s so hard to get that stage to begin with. It’s hard to make new friends!

Why not join meetmarketadventures.com or meetup.com and join the outings for singles where you'll meet both men and women. You will have a better chance of finding friends or lovers ;) who have the same interests as you go on the outings or do the classes they offer.

As for the friend you believe you lost. Don't worry about him. If he reaches out again, that's okay. If he doesn't that's okay too.

Mom used to say "every pot has a lid" Just keep doing things that will give you a better chance of finding your lid.

Good luck.

Why don't you join a walking club? What are your other interests?

 

Volunteer in your community. Make more of a effort.

I do volunteer at a women’s group and also have joined a meetup group (where I met him) it’s not so easy with my job as the shifts change every week so can only manage to go to events randomly.

Why not join meetmarketadventures.com or meetup.com and join the outings for singles where you'll meet both men and women. You will have a better chance of finding friends or lovers ;) who have the same interests as you go on the outings or do the classes they offer.

 

As for the friend you believe you lost. Don't worry about him. If he reaches out again, that's okay. If he doesn't that's okay too.

Mom used to say "every pot has a lid" Just keep doing things that will give you a better chance of finding your lid.

 

Good luck.

Thankyou I like that quote. I am in a few meetup groups - I have been to two meetups so far which I were good and I’ll keep trying to go to more. I guess I’m quite introverted so it’s harder to meet people I feel comfortable with as a lot of ppl at the meet ups were really loud and outgoing. I’ll keep trying though. I guess I just thought we had fun doing activities in a platonic way now why would he decided he doesn’t have fun anymore ...

Thankyou I like that quote. I am in a few meetup groups - I have been to two meetups so far which I were good and I’ll keep trying to go to more. I guess I’m quite introverted so it’s harder to meet people I feel comfortable with as a lot of ppl at the meet ups were really loud and outgoing. I’ll keep trying though. I guess I just thought we had fun doing activities in a platonic way now why would he decided he doesn’t have fun anymore ...

It's completely fine of course to be introverted. And you get to choose whether you're going to go out of your comfort zone if the goal is a long term relationship. (My husband chose to go out of his comfort zone more than once with me including when he first asked me out about 23 years ago - he was so so shy back then -a bit less so now). I went out of my comfort zone many many times in order to find a husband and start a family. I still do. I'd avoid focusing too much on the introvert label and more on actions you take and have control over -don't limit yourself with reliance on a label.

And when you do that you regress to "I guess I thought we'd have fun...." - that's in the past -you guessed wrong. It's not fun for him to be with you because he knows you wanted more and probably still do. You can have fun doing nothing with someone you click with (platonically or romantically) and you can have a miserable time doing what should be a fun activity if you don't click. He decided that he's not feeling comfortable around you. The activity doesn't change that. I'm sorry. But if you truly want a serious relationship I'd stop indulging in analyzing what happened with this particular person who is not that into you (and that stings but it also means you can move on and meet someone you do click with).

It's completely fine of course to be introverted. And you get to choose whether you're going to go out of your comfort zone if the goal is a long term relationship. (My husband chose to go out of his comfort zone more than once with me including when he first asked me out about 23 years ago - he was so so shy back then -a bit less so now). I went out of my comfort zone many many times in order to find a husband and start a family. I still do. I'd avoid focusing too much on the introvert label and more on actions you take and have control over -don't limit yourself with reliance on a label.

 

And when you do that you regress to "I guess I thought we'd have fun...." - that's in the past -you guessed wrong. It's not fun for him to be with you because he knows you wanted more and probably still do. You can have fun doing nothing with someone you click with (platonically or romantically) and you can have a miserable time doing what should be a fun activity if you don't click. He decided that he's not feeling comfortable around you. The activity doesn't change that. I'm sorry. But if you truly want a serious relationship I'd stop indulging in analyzing what happened with this particular person who is not that into you (and that stings but it also means you can move on and meet someone you do click with).

Thanks again. I do not want to be with him in a romantic way at all. When I found out about the bi thing it completely put me off so I don’t think he thinks I want to be with him, he is the one who always contacts me first and makes plans and I go along if I’m available but I’m definitely not chasing him. Anyway as you said I have to stop trying to analyse what happened and just move on and find new friends!