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Thread: Is it ok to be upset my boyfriend is hanging out with our female roommate?

  1. #1
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    Is it ok to be upset my boyfriend is hanging out with our female roommate?

    Am I just being too sensitive? We all just moved in together and mind you, it is our roommate's birthday today. My boyfriend said he was going to call me back after work, but he never did. Lately, its been bothering me that he never calls me after he gets off like he use to. He now just goes straight home and he and our female roommate get off at the same time. I get off later so I usually come home to them hanging out.

    He forgot to call me back, didn't read any of my texts. He went straight home, gave her the wine for her birthday that we were going to give her together for her birthday, and they went surfing together. I came home early so we could maybe grab dinner together, but now I feel super left out and disregarded. I also have thats weird gross feeling in my stomach. Am I too sensitive?

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    No you’re not too sensitive. Follow your intuition, this is not an ideal living situation for a couple.

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    Thank you for your reply. I was living in an old beach house with 6 roommates and it was a coed house. I feel like I set boundaries and rules for myself and roomies to make sure he never felt jealous or insignificant to them. And if I did surf alone with just one of my guy roommates, I made sure to let him know. How can I talk to him about this without being accusatory

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    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I wouldn't jump to conclusions and act on emotions alone. Accusing him or suddenly becoming jealous will only push him away. How long have the two of you been dating? Are there other issues in your relationship? Why is he living with another woman?

    I'm a big believer in male-female friendships, but they can be tricky at times if firm boundaries aren't in place.

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    We've been dating for about 5 years. We finally moved in together, and we live in a 2 bedroom apartment with our roommate (female). I am a big believer of male-female friendships as well. I had male roommates, but I always put my boyfriend first. We have had a few problems with his drinking. So he has been sober and healthy now, and we do therapy monthly because of his drinking and he has ADHD.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm going to assume that you trust your boyfriend and are happy with him—and that's why you guys took the step to move in, ostensibly with a friend you trust as well. Further assuming this is your first time living together, I'd take a deep breath and not jump to the most catastrophic conclusions or let jealousy be your guide.

    There's always an adjustment period in moving in with someone, and with that comes some communication to smooth out the inevitable wrinkles that come with cohabitation. Him not replying to your texts as fast or calling you when he gets off, for instance—well, that could very well be because he now knows more or less exactly when he'll see you. And, well, it's hard to read texts when you're out on the water.

    Curious: Is this the first instance since moving in where he hasn't called or texted you in a familiar pattern? Was that ever an issue before moving in?

    And, as a fellow surfer, curious where y'all are catching these waves!

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    Is it ok to be upset my boyfriend is hanging out with our female roommate?

    Originally Posted by ANELA
    Thank you for your reply. I was living in an old beach house with 6 roommates and it was a coed house. I feel like I set boundaries and rules for myself and roomies to make sure he never felt jealous or insignificant to them. And if I did surf alone with just one of my guy roommates, I made sure to let him know. How can I talk to him about this without being accusatory
    I would just tell him that you want to feel like his priority and if it were the other way around that you have always considered his feelings, and you wish for that to be reciprocated. His actions will speak louder than words, but also if he doesn’t know this bothers you, he can’t change without knowing how you feel. Often people are oblivious to their actions and how it makes someone feel, without ill intent. Let him know without sounding jealous or like he’s doing something wrong just put it on the table. After that you can judge by what he does next where his priorities lie

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by ANELA
    Am I just being too sensitive? We all just moved in together and mind you, it is our roommate's birthday today. My boyfriend said he was going to call me back after work, but he never did. Lately, its been bothering me that he never calls me after he gets off like he use to. He now just goes straight home and he and our female roommate get off at the same time. I get off later so I usually come home to them hanging out.

    He forgot to call me back, didn't read any of my texts. He went straight home, gave her the wine for her birthday that we were going to give her together for her birthday, and they went surfing together. I came home early so we could maybe grab dinner together, but now I feel super left out and disregarded. I also have thats weird gross feeling in my stomach. Am I too sensitive?
    Not necessarily, but I'd rather not jump to conclusions. I have a couple of question for you, besides work and your relationship, what other hobbies or interests are you pursuing? Are you always easy to reach?

    (Depending on your answers,) you may potentially be too available. I'm trying to phrase it better but unsuccessfully so.
    Last edited by greendots; 05-07-2019 at 12:51 AM.

  10. #9
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    Sorry, you did mention surfing as a hobby...

    Originally Posted by ANELA
    And if I did surf alone with just one of my guy roommates, I made sure to let him know.
    Do you still surf with mates or on your own?

    Originally Posted by ANELA
    ]So he has been sober and healthy now, and we do therapy monthly because of his drinking and he has ADHD
    It's great that he is sober and healthy now! Also, just wondering, do you attend therapy with him?

  11. #10
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    I still surf with friends, mostly girls. BUT when I do surf with guys, I let him know first and make sure he is ok with it, out of consideration. I don't want him to feel left out or neglected if he were trying to get ahold of me, and I was actually out surfing with another guy, regardless of the fact that I am 100% loyal and committed to him.

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