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Thread: Is it ok to be upset my boyfriend is hanging out with our female roommate?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Way too much emphasis on calling and texting, particularly if you two are a live-in couple who should enjoy the assurance of being together pretty much every morning and evening.

    It's odd to me that being unavailable to text or call back can't simply be assumed or inferred. I think it's fine if you feel so compelled to give a heads up, but I don't think it's something that needs to be expected. I'm sure you both know each other to be normal people with normal social and professional obligations, and that there are just going to be times one of you can't pick up the phone or simply don't notice a call or forget to call back. If I call my wife and she doesn't pick up or if she doesn't text back, there are about 100 different completely valid scenarios I'd assume before "She's not prioritizing me." I don't ask that she let me know whenever there's going to be a window I won't be able to be on the phone with her.

    And frankly I find this whole "friendships with the opposite sex are dandy but we should check in about it every time we do it" dynamic incredibly strange. While in my ideal world all relationships would be cool about it, I understand enough aren't. So it's either something you do or something you don't. As long as both of you know this is in fact something you each do, it shouldn't be a consideration for either of you. It's either a friendship that respects all the same boundaries that are in place in a same-sex friendship or it's not. Honestly, I'd be quicker to assume the latter if my lady did make it a point to let me know whenever she went to lunch or a quick happy hour with a male colleague.

    And I mean, yeah, I guess it'd have been cool if he waited until you were home to give her the bottle of wine, but at the end of the day... it's a bottle of wine. It's something you relatively thoughtlessly pluck off the shelf at a liquor store to bring to any party. Not at all knocking the gift, but I don't think it's the worst thing if he treated it as just that and handed it to her to enjoy at her discretion through her birthday. I'd elect for the third option of just getting over it, but if you really can't, I suppose ask him to hold off until you're around in the future. Not worth raising a stink over, IMO.
    Hi J.man

    Thank you for your honest response. I don't think we ever made it an official rule to check in with each other, we just did it out of consideration for each other - as is with other couples, and everyone is different. So for me, a red flag went up when it suddenly stopped.

    And you're correct, if I can't get ahold of him I never assume that he isn't prioritizing me until I fully know so. But when I do try to get ahold of him to try to figure out plans for our roommate's birthday, and it so happens to turn out he has already made plans with just her (given her the gift and taken her surfing), then I 100% interpret it as I am not a priority at the moment, and he did not consider to include me. (whether it was intentional or accidental is a different argument). And I don't think its fair for me to not only feel disregarded, but to actually be left out of her birthday plans.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ANELA
    Hi J.man

    Thank you for your honest response. I don't think we ever made it an official rule to check in with each other, we just did it out of consideration for each other - as is with other couples, and everyone is different. So for me, a red flag went up when it suddenly stopped.

    And you're correct, if I can't get ahold of him I never assume that he isn't prioritizing me until I fully know so. But when I do try to get ahold of him to try to figure out plans for our roommate's birthday, and it so happens to turn out he has already made plans with just her (given her the gift and taken her surfing), then I 100% interpret it as I am not a priority at the moment, and he did not consider to include me. (whether it was intentional or accidental is a different argument). And I don't think its fair for me to not only feel disregarded, but to actually be left out of her birthday plans.
    I think most women would feel the same way. At the very least they would feel disappointed that their boyfriend turned out to be such an dufus as to not consider his S.O.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Frankly, so am I. Jeeze we have to have boundaries in place or its very hard to learn to trust someone who, like this Op's b/f was putting another woman before her. He, if nothing else, is being disrespectful and unmindful of his girlfriend. The wine was from BOTH of them, him going ahead and presenting it to her without his girlfriend present was really chitty if nothing else.

    Blind trust is a fools errand not to mention its hard to trust someone who is acting untrustworthy.

    He made his Significant Other feel like she was less "significant" then the roommate. This has a lot more to do with a lack of consideration and respect for the person he is suppose to love then it does on whether or not she trusts him.
    Thank you thatwasthen, I think I just needed help justifying my feeling because I often doubt myself or rationalize against myself to make sure I am fair with the other person

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ANELA
    Thank you thatwasthen, I think I just needed help justifying my feeling because I often doubt myself or rationalize against myself to make sure I am fair with the other person
    I hope that you find a time have a conversation with him how what he did made you feel. Use your *I* words rather that *You* words to explain.

    Hopefully, he'll experience a lightbulb moment and won't continue to be a "dufus."

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I hope that you find a time have a conversation with him how what he did made you feel. Use your *I* words rather that *You* words to explain.

    Hopefully, he'll experience a lightbulb moment and won't continue to be a "dufus."
    Thank you for the reminder!! :)

  7. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ANELA
    Thank you for the reminder!! :)
    Just reread my quote... sorry for all the typos...

    Good luck going forth.

  8. #27
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    OP, so you voiced your concern, fabulous.

    I presume calmly and respectfully -- that he dashed off to take this girl surfing, with the wine that was supposed to be a gift from the two of you, leaving you, his gf, behind -- and his response was he didn't think much of it? Seriously??

    I am glad he apologized, but did he at least acknowledge your feelings and recognize how his behaviour might have been hurtful/disrespectful to you?

    Or did he dismiss claiming it wasn't a big deal?

    My next response will depend on your answers.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The living arrangements and his lack of impulse control is recipe for disaster.
    Originally Posted by ANELA
    we live in a 2 bedroom apartment with our roommate (female). We have had a few problems with his drinking.

  10. #29
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    I am sorry you are dealing with this. Relationships can be very difficult sometimes. The best thing to do in a relationship is be honest. Tell your boyfriend how it makes you feel and he will understand! If he does not know how you feel, nothing will change or get better. I hope it all works out!

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by ANELA
    thank you for being honest. I don't mind the harshness. I do research, so I am often in the lab and can't pick up my phone or call him until later. My hobbies include seeing friends family, reading biking. When I am doing those things, I make it a habit to just keep him in the loop because I think its rude to pick up the phone when you're out to lunch with friends/family. I text him before I surf, and if I am going to bike somewhere
    Cool. After having read all your posts and you mentioning that he is definitely high energy, this is what I sense: When you first meet someone, it's exciting, new like your female housemate. She's an intriguing fresh face which he's steering towards. Being friends is one thing, but he's choosing not to place boundaries and neither is she. That's, under the circumstances, not okay.

    You know, I was listening to someone who mentioned "keep the mystery alive" and thought of what you are going through.

    I hope it works out for you both!

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