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Thread: Is it ok to be upset my boyfriend is hanging out with our female roommate?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by greendots
    Not necessarily, but I'd rather not jump to conclusions. I have a couple of question for you, besides work and your relationship, what other hobbies or interests are you pursuing? Are you always easy to reach?

    (Depending on your answers,) you may potentially be too available. I'm trying to phrase it better but unsuccessfully so.

    thank you for being honest. I don't mind the harshness. I do research, so I am often in the lab and can't pick up my phone or call him until later. My hobbies include seeing friends family, reading biking. When I am doing those things, I make it a habit to just keep him in the loop because I think its rude to pick up the phone when you're out to lunch with friends/family. I text him before I surf, and if I am going to bike somewhere
    Last edited by ANELA; 05-07-2019 at 10:12 AM.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm going to assume that you trust your boyfriend and are happy with him—and that's why you guys took the step to move in, ostensibly with a friend you trust as well. Further assuming this is your first time living together, I'd take a deep breath and not jump to the most catastrophic conclusions or let jealousy be your guide.

    There's always an adjustment period in moving in with someone, and with that comes some communication to smooth out the inevitable wrinkles that come with cohabitation. Him not replying to your texts as fast or calling you when he gets off, for instance—well, that could very well be because he now knows more or less exactly when he'll see you. And, well, it's hard to read texts when you're out on the water.

    Curious: Is this the first instance since moving in where he hasn't called or texted you in a familiar pattern? Was that ever an issue before moving in?

    And, as a fellow surfer, curious where y'all are catching these waves!
    Thank you, your perspective helped me relax a little knowing this is just an adjustment period and we have to communicate these issues. In our relationship, we found we can avoid any worry and conflict by just checking in with each other and to keep each other in the loop, it makes it easier to trust each other. So either of us go out to surf we text/call, if we have plans with friends we let each other know. And typically, we've always called each other after work to figure out dinner plans for the night - if we want to have dinner together or not. But since moving in together, he has stopped.

    And I can see why he would think he doesn't need to when we live together. It just makes me feel a little uncomfortable and left out when he doesn't text/call back per usual, and instead goes straight home and our female roommate just happens to be there. I love her, and she's really sweet. But as a girlfriend, I can't help but feel hurt by it. I called my boyfriend twice to see if I should pick up something for her birthday, or if maybe we should take her to dinner. I also texted....No responses. So I went home early and it turns out they left to go surfing together, and he had already given her our present. If we weren't roommates with her, this would be weird and a little inappropriate in my book of relationship values. Since we do live together, the circumstances are different, but they nevertheless still make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If they happen to feel chemistry for each other, it's up to them to place boundaries, both emotional and with their behavior. You've put yourself in quite a bind here. I know that rent is expensive, and that when you're young, you're often forced to share space. It probably would've been better for you to have shared with another couple.

    Instead of bottling up your irritation, it's okay to voice when you're upset, as in: We bought her present as a couple, and I was upset you gave it to her by yourself.

    If you want to bring your relationship out of a "Friends" episode, and into a more mature stage, I'd look long and hard for an affordable place for just you two when the lease is up.

    The only thing you can do in the meantime is ask for things you want, call out any boundary crossing by either of them, and hope for the best.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Can you and your bf get part time jobs and save up for your own place? This group living arrangement is bound to generate some misunderstandings and jealousies like this. This is not about her. It's about your bf's ongoing challenges with reliable responsible behavior. He seems like a 'where's the party!" type of guy.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Way too much emphasis on calling and texting, particularly if you two are a live-in couple who should enjoy the assurance of being together pretty much every morning and evening.

    It's odd to me that being unavailable to text or call back can't simply be assumed or inferred. I think it's fine if you feel so compelled to give a heads up, but I don't think it's something that needs to be expected. I'm sure you both know each other to be normal people with normal social and professional obligations, and that there are just going to be times one of you can't pick up the phone or simply don't notice a call or forget to call back. If I call my wife and she doesn't pick up or if she doesn't text back, there are about 100 different completely valid scenarios I'd assume before "She's not prioritizing me." I don't ask that she let me know whenever there's going to be a window I won't be able to be on the phone with her.

    And frankly I find this whole "friendships with the opposite sex are dandy but we should check in about it every time we do it" dynamic incredibly strange. While in my ideal world all relationships would be cool about it, I understand enough aren't. So it's either something you do or something you don't. As long as both of you know this is in fact something you each do, it shouldn't be a consideration for either of you. It's either a friendship that respects all the same boundaries that are in place in a same-sex friendship or it's not. Honestly, I'd be quicker to assume the latter if my lady did make it a point to let me know whenever she went to lunch or a quick happy hour with a male colleague.

    And I mean, yeah, I guess it'd have been cool if he waited until you were home to give her the bottle of wine, but at the end of the day... it's a bottle of wine. It's something you relatively thoughtlessly pluck off the shelf at a liquor store to bring to any party. Not at all knocking the gift, but I don't think it's the worst thing if he treated it as just that and handed it to her to enjoy at her discretion through her birthday. I'd elect for the third option of just getting over it, but if you really can't, I suppose ask him to hold off until you're around in the future. Not worth raising a stink over, IMO.

  7. #16
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    Frankly I am getting a bit tired of the question "do you trust him"? "Do you trust her"?

    As if trusting your partner means dismissing/overlooking behaviour that is insensitive and/or at the very least questionable.

    I trust my bf w all my heart, feel quite secure in our relationship, but if he suddenly started behaving the way your bf is, my spiney senses would be triggered big time and I would address it w him calmly and rationally.

    Male/female friendships are fine of course, but not when it means shutting your partner (in this case you) out, suddenly not returning calls or texts when he typically does, presenting a gift from the both of you to her privately, going off surfing together (with the wine?) leaving you behind, etc, etc ugh!!

    To me this suggests there may be a mutual attraction between them, and if me, I would not ignore this possibility; I would address it in a non-accusatory way, and if there is in fact a mutual attraction, I would make arrangements to move out asap.

    If not, then hopefully you will reach a mutual understanding re appropriate boundaries within the context of a committed relationship, and move forward from there.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-07-2019 at 11:53 AM.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Frankly I am getting a bit tired of the question "do you trust him"? "Do you trust her"?

    As if trusting your partner means dismissing/overlooking behaviour that is insensitive and/or at the very least questionable.

    I trust my bf w all my heart, feel quite secure in our relationship, but if he suddenly started behaving the way your bf is, my spiney senses would be triggered big time and I would address it w him calmly and rationally.

    Male/female friendships are fine of course, but not when it means shutting your partner (in this case you) out, suddenly not returning calls or texts when he typically does, presenting a gift from the both of you to her privately, going off surfing together (with the wine?) leaving you behind, etc, etc ugh!!

    To me this suggests there may be a mutual attraction between them, and if me, I would not ignore this possibility; I would address it in a non-accusatory way, and if there is in fact a mutual attraction, I would make arrangements to move out asap.

    If not, then hopefully you will reach a mutual understanding re appropriate boundaries within the context of a committed relationship, and move forward from there.
    Hi Katrina,

    Thank you for your response. My stomach drops thinking about this. I don't want to assume anything. I can see everyone's point. I also play devils advocate and rationalize with my own feelings. I just don't think its fair to be in a constant situation where I feel uncomfortable.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If they happen to feel chemistry for each other, it's up to them to place boundaries, both emotional and with their behavior. You've put yourself in quite a bind here. I know that rent is expensive, and that when you're young, you're often forced to share space. It probably would've been better for you to have shared with another couple.

    Instead of bottling up your irritation, it's okay to voice when you're upset, as in: We bought her present as a couple, and I was upset you gave it to her by yourself.

    If you want to bring your relationship out of a "Friends" episode, and into a more mature stage, I'd look long and hard for an affordable place for just you two when the lease is up.

    The only thing you can do in the meantime is ask for things you want, call out any boundary crossing by either of them, and hope for the best.
    Thank you Audrina for your response. I am hoping for the best too. Just an update for everyone. I did voice my feelings last night, he apologize, was receptive said he didn't think much of it - which I believe him. So I guess we will see how time goes. A second update, I did feel a pang of jealousy when I saw that she had posted a video of him hanging up our surfboard racks shirtless, and in his board shorts ( I don't think he knew that she took the video). I feel like its not a big deal, but I also feel a little weirded out by my boyfriend being shirtless on her social media. Again, maybe I am getting too into it than I should, but of course now the small things are bothering me.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Can you and your bf get part time jobs and save up for your own place? This group living arrangement is bound to generate some misunderstandings and jealousies like this. This is not about her. It's about your bf's ongoing challenges with reliable responsible behavior. He seems like a 'where's the party!" type of guy.
    He definitely is high energy. I am hoping in time we can generate more money to live on our own. I like you phrase "reliable responsible behavior" .... I think that will be key on his end, and patience and trust on my end

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Frankly I am getting a bit tired of the question "do you trust him"? "Do you trust her"?
    Frankly, so am I. Jeeze we have to have boundaries in place or its very hard to learn to trust someone who, like this Op's b/f was putting another woman before her. He, if nothing else, is being disrespectful and unmindful of his girlfriend. The wine was from BOTH of them, him going ahead and presenting it to her without his girlfriend present was really chitty if nothing else.

    As if trusting your partner means dismissing/overlooking behaviour that is insensitive and/or at the very least questionable.
    Blind trust is a fools errand not to mention its hard to trust someone who is acting untrustworthy.

    He made his Significant Other feel like she was less "significant" then the roommate. This has a lot more to do with a lack of consideration and respect for the person he is suppose to love then it does on whether or not she trusts him.

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