Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 28

Thread: Getting her to talk to me

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    20
    Gender
    Male

    Getting her to talk to me

    So I previously posted a thread about the situation with my ex and how I messed up. I am looking for further advice.

    Since our incident and break up, my ex has told me that she was willing to see me and talk. We haven't gotten the chance to talk about what happened yet or discuss anything. I have been seeking from her a chance to talk so I can apologize for my actions, as well as ask for forgiveness and possibly see if we can work something out together. She has even suggested days where we could meet up, but ends up cancelling on me. She suggested Friday we get breakfast and talk, but Friday came around and she said it wasn't a good a good idea and she wasn't ready yet. So I told her I understand and that I would really like to get together so I can formally apologize to her. I said I would be ready when she is, and then I did not receive a response from her. It's now Monday, and I know it probably still has not been long enough for her to be ready. I really feel like we should talk and it is consuming my mind how badly I want to talk with her. I have to stop myself from crying in public every day because of how bad I want to have a conversation with her.

    I was thinking about sending her a text and saying "I know you said you needed more time before we talk, but this is honestly really getting to me. Please, after our 2 year relationship, would you give me the courtesy to sit down and talk with me soon?"

    Or should I give her more space? When is it okay to ask her again to have a conversation. It has already been a month since we broke up, and I am getting extreme anxiety from this.I fear her friends have been the ones telling her not to speak with me, which I don't think is fair and I think she should make her own decision to talk with me or not. Please, only positive, constructive advise.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,235
    I think it's important for people on this forum to know why you two broke up. Reading your other thread would be a good idea.

    You're pressuring her and making what happened all about you. Can you leave her alone and allow her to come to you when she feels safe and ready?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    1,123
    Gender
    Female
    However, I was not able to get that out because I kept getting interrupted. We were already into her room by the point where the next part happened. We were still arguing about my comment. I then had enough due to not being able to voice my reasoning and I proceeded to call her "a dumb ". This is where everything TOOK OFF. She said "I'm done, leave, and take the presents you got me for my birthday with you." then she turned around and wapped me on the head. Being from military background, and drunk, I grabbed her by the wrists and threw her onto the bed. I did this to control her hands from hitting me again, and get separation between us. It was at this point I caused her severe pain, but I was too enraged to care. She started crying and I grabbed her first birthday gift, threw it on the floor and stompted it into a million pieces. It was a very nice makeup mirror. So there was glass everywhere. Then, I took another gift which was a glass jar full of 125 reasons I hand wrote why I love her in it, took all the notes out and threw them on the ground, then threw the glass jar on the ground. Then, I grabbed the book I got her and started to rip out all of the pages. At this point she is crying very hard and holding her wrist. She sat in front of her door so her roommates could not enter the room. He roommates got into the room, and told me to leave, which I very abruptly did. I knew I had messed up extremely bad, and did not want to cause any further damage. I went home and went to bed.

    The next day. I woke up, remembering everything that happened. I read my phone and she had called her dad to come pick her up and bring her to the hospital. Turns out, I used enough force for her wrist to develop a very tiny hairline fracture which is why she was in so much pain. I told her I was extremely sorry, and that it was not my intentions to cause her that kind of bodily damage. She knows I struggle with anger, and this was one of those high intense anger moments that went from 5-150 instantly. She told her roommates and family that I struggle with this and due to them asking what happened and why I did this. She then told me I seriously needed to get help, and thats what everyone wants for me. She also stated that if I hadn't broken everything and just tried to comfort her she probably would have been fine and we would still be together. I want to get help and I have been trying. The VA sucks, and hasn't been able to help very much. I wrote her an apology letter, as well as I wrote her parents an apology letter telling them I was sorry for my actions, and offering to pay any medical bills, and I thanked them for the love they had shown me over the last 2 years. They wrote me back telling me they forgive me and telling me they hope I am able to find help.
    You physically abused this woman. In your original post, you spoke extensively about your anger issues. A month is not a sufficient amount of time to fix this problem, if you ever do manage to get better, and I think she is very smart to stay far away from you. I'm sorry, but this situation is not something that is just going to go away. There is nothing for the two of you to talk about, and your obsession and feelings of anxiety do not justify you continuing to harass her. Stay broken up and seek professional help, so you can potentially have a healthy, non-abusive relationship in the future.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,416
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by hatmessedup
    So I previously posted a thread about the situation with my ex and how I messed up. I am looking for further advice.

    Since our incident and break up, my ex has told me that she was willing to see me and talk. We haven't gotten the chance to talk about what happened yet or discuss anything. I have been seeking from her a chance to talk so I can apologize for my actions, as well as ask for forgiveness and possibly see if we can work something out together. She has even suggested days where we could meet up, but ends up cancelling on me. She suggested Friday we get breakfast and talk, but Friday came around and she said it wasn't a good a good idea and she wasn't ready yet. So I told her I understand and that I would really like to get together so I can formally apologize to her. I said I would be ready when she is, and then I did not receive a response from her. It's now Monday, and I know it probably still has not been long enough for her to be ready. I really feel like we should talk and it is consuming my mind how badly I want to talk with her. I have to stop myself from crying in public every day because of how bad I want to have a conversation with her.

    I was thinking about sending her a text and saying "I know you said you needed more time before we talk, but this is honestly really getting to me. Please, after our 2 year relationship, would you give me the courtesy to sit down and talk with me soon?"

    Or should I give her more space? When is it okay to ask her again to have a conversation. It has already been a month since we broke up, and I am getting extreme anxiety from this.I fear her friends have been the ones telling her not to speak with me, which I don't think is fair and I think she should make her own decision to talk with me or not. Please, only positive, constructive advise.
    May I suggest that you get yourself into that PTSD programme before you hassle her about seeing you again. If you have something tangible to tell her about how you are working on your anger then she will naturally be more receptive to seeing you and maybe even reconciling with you. (not a given though).

    In the meantime, please go to your doctor and tell him the anxiety and panic you are under. Perhaps a mild anti-anxiety med will help you to stop OCD thinking on her and keep you from breaking down in public. He/she can also give you a referral to a personal therapist if he/she feels that will help you to cope.

    Leave her be for now and give her the gift of missing you. You don't want to scare her with your intensity... do not send that text.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,665
    Gender
    Female
    Honestly, please leave this woman alone. You are lucky that she didn't file assault charges against you, and she still could. She should not have slapped you, but as a physically strong man, you should have let her walk away blocked her hand if she tried again vs treating her like an enemy combatant. You broke her wrist and shattered her birthday gift. Get help before you put the next girlfriend in the ICU or kill her.

    you "didn't care about the pain" -- thats the most troubling part.

    And she is acting like an abused woman - which she is by telling you that if you comforted her even if you broke her bones it would be okay. That tells me there must be other abuse going on if she is placating you like that.

    stay FAR AWAY from her. never speak to her again for her own safety. Do not own a pet or take care of a child, either

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,665
    Gender
    Female
    This woman is TERRIFIED of you - that's probably why she minimized things, IMHO

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,202
    Leave her alone. You need to focus on your anger issues, and this does not happen in a month's time. You clearly do not have control over yourself.

    I would be scared if I were her. She will end up get a restraining order if you don't watch it.

  9. #8
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    489
    Gender
    Male
    Yep all this excess stress and worry and trying to make things right is down too your PTSD. I know, I've been there and I never did anything like be abusive with my ex.

    I've said it on your other post but I will say it again here. You need to seek professional help for your trauma. I suggest seeing a normal therapist and then finding a EMDR therapist at the same time if possible. This will REALLY help you get better.

    Forget the talk and apologies for now she's not interested.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    30
    Gender
    Male
    Most of the ones commenting here thus far are pretty harsh. We don't know the exact details of your relationship, but you have told us about your anger issues and lack of respect/equality in the months leading up to the event. It seemed pretty toxic until everything just blew up. We don't know if you were abuse/manipulative during the relationship, but most of the time that'll be the case (with people with anger issues).

    That being said, you need therapy. And truly not for her or for other people, once you truly want it for YOURSELF (and I mean, really, really want it just to improve yourself) things will change. How awesome would it be to have such a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, to truly lose that baggage that will get you in trouble all your life if you don't change? I hope you go forward with this!

    I know you want to talk to her, I know you want to explain it to her. And I also know you want to talk to her for your own sake and not for her sake. If she ever comes back, it won't be because it was you who initiated it. It'll probably be the opposite, you keep initiating and pushing her away. Remember it was you who forced the breakup, it can't be you to force a relationship. Give her space, work on yourself and let her do ALL of the initiating. No texts, no going to where she might be, no email or liking any of her social media. It also means you cannot contact her for ANY reason, that includes letting her know your self-improvement. She knows you're sorry, that you love her and that you really want to change. If she feels any love for you, I'm sure she'll find you. And once she finds you, you can show her you've really changed. That's the only way you get back together and give it any chance it could last.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,665
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by trufo
    Most of the ones commenting here thus far are pretty harsh.

    Breaking someone's wrist is harsh. Pinning down a significant other in an aggressive way is harsh. If it had been a stranger, he would be in jail right now. There is no gray area. It doesn't matter how their relationship was before this -- when someone breaks someone's bone or terrifies them like that, there is no "let's look at this in a different light".

    NO, he must not "get back together with her"

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •