Getting her to talk to me

So I previously posted a thread about the situation with my ex and how I messed up. I am looking for further advice.

Since our incident and break up, my ex has told me that she was willing to see me and talk. We haven't gotten the chance to talk about what happened yet or discuss anything. I have been seeking from her a chance to talk so I can apologize for my actions, as well as ask for forgiveness and possibly see if we can work something out together. She has even suggested days where we could meet up, but ends up cancelling on me. She suggested Friday we get breakfast and talk, but Friday came around and she said it wasn't a good a good idea and she wasn't ready yet. So I told her I understand and that I would really like to get together so I can formally apologize to her. I said I would be ready when she is, and then I did not receive a response from her. It's now Monday, and I know it probably still has not been long enough for her to be ready. I really feel like we should talk and it is consuming my mind how badly I want to talk with her. I have to stop myself from crying in public every day because of how bad I want to have a conversation with her.

I was thinking about sending her a text and saying "I know you said you needed more time before we talk, but this is honestly really getting to me. Please, after our 2 year relationship, would you give me the courtesy to sit down and talk with me soon?"

Or should I give her more space? When is it okay to ask her again to have a conversation. It has already been a month since we broke up, and I am getting extreme anxiety from this.I fear her friends have been the ones telling her not to speak with me, which I don't think is fair and I think she should make her own decision to talk with me or not. Please, only positive, constructive advise.

I think it's important for people on this forum to know why you two broke up. Reading your other thread would be a good idea.

You're pressuring her and making what happened all about you. Can you leave her alone and allow her to come to you when she feels safe and ready?

However, I was not able to get that out because I kept getting interrupted. We were already into her room by the point where the next part happened. We were still arguing about my comment. I then had enough due to not being able to voice my reasoning and I proceeded to call her "a dumb ". This is where everything TOOK OFF. She said "I'm done, leave, and take the presents you got me for my birthday with you." then she turned around and wapped me on the head. Being from military background, and drunk, I grabbed her by the wrists and threw her onto the bed. I did this to control her hands from hitting me again, and get separation between us. It was at this point I caused her severe pain, but I was too enraged to care. She started crying and I grabbed her first birthday gift, threw it on the floor and stompted it into a million pieces. It was a very nice makeup mirror. So there was glass everywhere. Then, I took another gift which was a glass jar full of 125 reasons I hand wrote why I love her in it, took all the notes out and threw them on the ground, then threw the glass jar on the ground. Then, I grabbed the book I got her and started to rip out all of the pages. At this point she is crying very hard and holding her wrist. She sat in front of her door so her roommates could not enter the room. He roommates got into the room, and told me to leave, which I very abruptly did. I knew I had messed up extremely bad, and did not want to cause any further damage. I went home and went to bed.

 

The next day. I woke up, remembering everything that happened. I read my phone and she had called her dad to come pick her up and bring her to the hospital. Turns out, I used enough force for her wrist to develop a very tiny hairline fracture which is why she was in so much pain. I told her I was extremely sorry, and that it was not my intentions to cause her that kind of bodily damage. She knows I struggle with anger, and this was one of those high intense anger moments that went from 5-150 instantly. She told her roommates and family that I struggle with this and due to them asking what happened and why I did this. She then told me I seriously needed to get help, and thats what everyone wants for me. She also stated that if I hadn't broken everything and just tried to comfort her she probably would have been fine and we would still be together. I want to get help and I have been trying. The VA sucks, and hasn't been able to help very much. I wrote her an apology letter, as well as I wrote her parents an apology letter telling them I was sorry for my actions, and offering to pay any medical bills, and I thanked them for the love they had shown me over the last 2 years. They wrote me back telling me they forgive me and telling me they hope I am able to find help.

You physically abused this woman. In your original post, you spoke extensively about your anger issues. A month is not a sufficient amount of time to fix this problem, if you ever do manage to get better, and I think she is very smart to stay far away from you. I'm sorry, but this situation is not something that is just going to go away. There is nothing for the two of you to talk about, and your obsession and feelings of anxiety do not justify you continuing to harass her. Stay broken up and seek professional help, so you can potentially have a healthy, non-abusive relationship in the future.

So I previously posted a thread about the situation with my ex and how I messed up. I am looking for further advice.

 

Since our incident and break up, my ex has told me that she was willing to see me and talk. We haven't gotten the chance to talk about what happened yet or discuss anything. I have been seeking from her a chance to talk so I can apologize for my actions, as well as ask for forgiveness and possibly see if we can work something out together. She has even suggested days where we could meet up, but ends up cancelling on me. She suggested Friday we get breakfast and talk, but Friday came around and she said it wasn't a good a good idea and she wasn't ready yet. So I told her I understand and that I would really like to get together so I can formally apologize to her. I said I would be ready when she is, and then I did not receive a response from her. It's now Monday, and I know it probably still has not been long enough for her to be ready. I really feel like we should talk and it is consuming my mind how badly I want to talk with her. I have to stop myself from crying in public every day because of how bad I want to have a conversation with her.

 

I was thinking about sending her a text and saying "I know you said you needed more time before we talk, but this is honestly really getting to me. Please, after our 2 year relationship, would you give me the courtesy to sit down and talk with me soon?"

 

Or should I give her more space? When is it okay to ask her again to have a conversation. It has already been a month since we broke up, and I am getting extreme anxiety from this.I fear her friends have been the ones telling her not to speak with me, which I don't think is fair and I think she should make her own decision to talk with me or not. Please, only positive, constructive advise.

May I suggest that you get yourself into that PTSD programme before you hassle her about seeing you again. If you have something tangible to tell her about how you are working on your anger then she will naturally be more receptive to seeing you and maybe even reconciling with you. (not a given though).

In the meantime, please go to your doctor and tell him the anxiety and panic you are under. Perhaps a mild anti-anxiety med will help you to stop OCD thinking on her and keep you from breaking down in public. He/she can also give you a referral to a personal therapist if he/she feels that will help you to cope.

Leave her be for now and give her the gift of missing you. You don't want to scare her with your intensity... do not send that text.

Honestly, please leave this woman alone. You are lucky that she didn't file assault charges against you, and she still could. She should not have slapped you, but as a physically strong man, you should have let her walk away blocked her hand if she tried again vs treating her like an enemy combatant. You broke her wrist and shattered her birthday gift. Get help before you put the next girlfriend in the ICU or kill her.

you "didn't care about the pain" -- thats the most troubling part.

And she is acting like an abused woman - which she is by telling you that if you comforted her even if you broke her bones it would be okay. That tells me there must be other abuse going on if she is placating you like that.

stay FAR AWAY from her. never speak to her again for her own safety. Do not own a pet or take care of a child, either

This woman is TERRIFIED of you - that's probably why she minimized things, IMHO

Leave her alone. You need to focus on your anger issues, and this does not happen in a month's time. You clearly do not have control over yourself.

I would be scared if I were her. She will end up get a restraining order if you don't watch it.

Yep all this excess stress and worry and trying to make things right is down too your PTSD. I know, I've been there and I never did anything like be abusive with my ex.

I've said it on your other post but I will say it again here. You need to seek professional help for your trauma. I suggest seeing a normal therapist and then finding a EMDR therapist at the same time if possible. This will REALLY help you get better.

Forget the talk and apologies for now she's not interested.

Most of the ones commenting here thus far are pretty harsh. We don't know the exact details of your relationship, but you have told us about your anger issues and lack of respect/equality in the months leading up to the event. It seemed pretty toxic until everything just blew up. We don't know if you were abuse/manipulative during the relationship, but most of the time that'll be the case (with people with anger issues).

That being said, you need therapy. And truly not for her or for other people, once you truly want it for YOURSELF (and I mean, really, really want it just to improve yourself) things will change. How awesome would it be to have such a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, to truly lose that baggage that will get you in trouble all your life if you don't change? I hope you go forward with this!

I know you want to talk to her, I know you want to explain it to her. And I also know you want to talk to her for your own sake and not for her sake. If she ever comes back, it won't be because it was you who initiated it. It'll probably be the opposite, you keep initiating and pushing her away. Remember it was you who forced the breakup, it can't be you to force a relationship. Give her space, work on yourself and let her do ALL of the initiating. No texts, no going to where she might be, no email or liking any of her social media. It also means you cannot contact her for ANY reason, that includes letting her know your self-improvement. She knows you're sorry, that you love her and that you really want to change. If she feels any love for you, I'm sure she'll find you. And once she finds you, you can show her you've really changed. That's the only way you get back together and give it any chance it could last.

Most of the ones commenting here thus far are pretty harsh.

Breaking someone's wrist is harsh. Pinning down a significant other in an aggressive way is harsh. If it had been a stranger, he would be in jail right now. There is no gray area. It doesn't matter how their relationship was before this -- when someone breaks someone's bone or terrifies them like that, there is no "let's look at this in a different light".

NO, he must not "get back together with her"

OP have you read what your post. You said several times you wanted to apologize to her but what can you say in person that you cant say over the phone or in an email? All you are doing is using the "apology" angle to get her to see you. What you are doing is about control and not about her. You can say Im wrong, but you are asking the forum if its okay to tell her to talk to you because of your anxiety.

Have you for one min thought about her? You hurt this person and now you think by talking to you and having you text her and bother her about seeing her in person is a good thing? You don't think that seeing your texts or phone calls don't give her panic attacks? Right now all you care about it winning. Seeing her is a win for you. If you really want to say you are sorry, then you would let her go and have her live her life without you in it. That wouldn't be the best for you but it would be the best for her. What will you do?

If it was my Daughter's wrist that you broke, you would be in jail now!

Leave her alone!

Thank you for your kind words and constructive advice. It is very appreciated and noticed. I plan on getting myself in as many programs as my schedule can handle in order to get better. I have contacted multiple sources for help and and currently awaiting appointments. I did not send the text as you advised, and I have been giving her the space she needs.

Do not own a pet or take care of a child, either

Yep all this excess stress and worry and trying to make things right is down too your PTSD. I know, I've been there and I never did anything like be abusive with my ex.

 

I've said it on your other post but I will say it again here. You need to seek professional help for your trauma. I suggest seeing a normal therapist and then finding a EMDR therapist at the same time if possible. This will REALLY help you get better.

 

Forget the talk and apologies for now she's not interested.

Most of the ones commenting here thus far are pretty harsh. We don't know the exact details of your relationship, but you have told us about your anger issues and lack of respect/equality in the months leading up to the event. It seemed pretty toxic until everything just blew up. We don't know if you were abuse/manipulative during the relationship, but most of the time that'll be the case (with people with anger issues).

 

That being said, you need therapy. And truly not for her or for other people, once you truly want it for YOURSELF (and I mean, really, really want it just to improve yourself) things will change. How awesome would it be to have such a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, to truly lose that baggage that will get you in trouble all your life if you don't change? I hope you go forward with this!

 

I know you want to talk to her, I know you want to explain it to her. And I also know you want to talk to her for your own sake and not for her sake. If she ever comes back, it won't be because it was you who initiated it. It'll probably be the opposite, you keep initiating and pushing her away. Remember it was you who forced the breakup, it can't be you to force a relationship. Give her space, work on yourself and let her do ALL of the initiating. No texts, no going to where she might be, no email or liking any of her social media. It also means you cannot contact her for ANY reason, that includes letting her know your self-improvement. She knows you're sorry, that you love her and that you really want to change. If she feels any love for you, I'm sure she'll find you. And once she finds you, you can show her you've really changed. That's the only way you get back together and give it any chance it could last.

Thank you so much for your positive feedback. That is what this forum is about. People come here seeking advise, not to be further ridiculed. I appreciate that someone else noticed the harsh comments, which honestly was why I had not replied to anyone's posts up until this point. You have given the most contributable advice thus far by putting in perspective what I could have to look forward to once I've gotten the help and change. Thank you. I sincerely appreciate it.

Breaking someone's wrist is harsh.

You seem to think the outcome of my actions was purposeful. I assure you it was not. Yes, what I did was uncalled for, but in no way was fracturing her wrist deliberate by any means. I take responsibility for what I've done, and I have not attempted to deflect from the injury I caused.

OP have you read what your post. You said several times you wanted to apologize to her but what can you say in person that you cant say over the phone or in an email? All you are doing is using the "apology" angle to get her to see you. What you are doing is about control and not about her. You can say Im wrong, but you are asking the forum if its okay to tell her to talk to you because of your anxiety.

Have you for one min thought about her? You hurt this person and now you think by talking to you and having you text her and bother her about seeing her in person is a good thing? You don't think that seeing your texts or phone calls don't give her panic attacks? Right now all you care about it winning. Seeing her is a win for you. If you really want to say you are sorry, then you would let her go and have her live her life without you in it. That wouldn't be the best for you but it would be the best for her. What will you do?

Over the phone or email is impersonal. I could very easily say what I want to say over the phone or in an email, but that shows nothing and does not show true feelings of sorrow. I think about her constantly. I want to hug and console her and apologize to give her some sort of peace of mind. Think about it this way, an accidental injury to a child from a parent. Maybe the parent accidentally knocked the child down and they bumped their head. Even if the child thinks it was deliberate, it still calms their nerves by having the parent which knocked them down apologize and give them a hug. Thats how apologies work. People these days too often hide behind technology, and it's easy to say sorry without actually meaning it. A true apology comes from looking someone in the eyes, owning up to their actions, and actually apologizing.

Um, you didn't accidentally bump into her. You pinned her down during an argument during which you also smashed some of her belongings into pieces.

Please don't start minimizing. All that does is give the impression you don't think what you did was all that bad. That's a dangerous road to head down.

She doesn't want to see you. If she did she wouldn't keep cancelling. Please respect that and leave her alone to come to you if she chooses.

So I previously posted a thread about the situation with my ex and how I messed up. I am looking for further advice.

 

Since our incident and break up, my ex has told me that she was willing to see me and talk. We haven't gotten the chance to talk about what happened yet or discuss anything. I have been seeking from her a chance to talk so I can apologize for my actions, as well as ask for forgiveness and possibly see if we can work something out together. She has even suggested days where we could meet up, but ends up cancelling on me. She suggested Friday we get breakfast and talk, but Friday came around and she said it wasn't a good a good idea and she wasn't ready yet. So I told her I understand and that I would really like to get together so I can formally apologize to her. I said I would be ready when she is, and then I did not receive a response from her. It's now Monday, and I know it probably still has not been long enough for her to be ready. I really feel like we should talk and it is consuming my mind how badly I want to talk with her. I have to stop myself from crying in public every day because of how bad I want to have a conversation with her.

 

I was thinking about sending her a text and saying "I know you said you needed more time before we talk, but this is honestly really getting to me. Please, after our 2 year relationship, would you give me the courtesy to sit down and talk with me soon?"

 

Or should I give her more space? When is it okay to ask her again to have a conversation. It has already been a month since we broke up, and I am getting extreme anxiety from this.I fear her friends have been the ones telling her not to speak with me, which I don't think is fair and I think she should make her own decision to talk with me or not. Please, only positive, constructive advise.

Just an add on to my original post here...

First, I want to thank the individuals that actually gave positive, constructive advise. Thats what this forum is intended. I truly appreciate the help you have given me and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the advise and for your precious time.

To the individuals which have commented, but gave some negative comments. This forum is for advice. So when people come here asking for advise, that is what you should give to them. CONSTRUCTIVE advice. People do not come here to be ridiculed or given negative advise. If you have something nice and positive to tell someone, then say it. But if not, shut your mouth. It's not a place to tell someone "If it were someone I know, you'd be in jail."

On another note, one last thing to share. I realize that what I did is grounds for being in jail. And I know that I am very lucky that I am not in jail. For everyone's information, my ex's dad is a district attorney, so yes I know how lucky I am that I am not in jail. It's pretty obvious. Also, the night he took her to the hospital (that night) after hearing all of the details of what happened, he made sure that my name was not in the police report so that I would not be arrested. I also wrote an apology letter the very next day to her parents about my actions towards their daughter, as well as the result of my actions further inconveniencing them in the middle of the night. I also offered to pay any medical bills associated with my actions, and thanked them for the love they showed and gave me over the course of the relationship. I even asked them not to forgive me. They wrote back telling me that they do forgive me, they are not mad at me, they said I am a good man, and was a good boyfriend, and they hope that I get the help that I need, as well as offered to help me if I ever needed anything and I could always call them. I didn't even a return address on my mailed letter, because I didn't want them to write me back. So while a lot of you seem to think I am a complete horrible human being, her parents can see that this was a mistake and they have more humanity than some of you commenting on this thread.

Again, this place is meant for positive and constructive advise to the people who are asking for help. Not a place for negativity. Thank you to the people who have put effort into leaving kind advice. Unfortunately, I do not think I will be returning back here due to the majority of the comments being negative.

Thank you, I am currently seeking as much help as I can get and hope to be able to get something along the lines of the EMDR therapy you have suggested. I appreciate your positive and constructive advice.

Glad to hear it. EMDR only works if you are able to recall and talk about the trauma. If its too upsetting to discuss just stick with normal therapy for the first few months or till whenever you feel comfortable talking about your issues THEN go to EMDR. EMDR can be upsetting at the start for the first session or two as you recall all the bad things but then things get a lot better quite quickly. Good luck.

This right here is part of your problem, OP.

You are hot-headed and too controlling - even in an anonymous message board. It doesn't take very much to trigger you, clearly. You don't get to control how people post or respond to you. Sure, it's not what you wanted to hear. But that's not in your hands. You don't make the rules here but you seem to believe you can tell people what to do. I highly doubt this attitude is limited to online forums. Your own words in this thread strongly suggest that you have not really taken much on board and are difficult to communicate with. As soon as you hear something negative, you get your back up and lash out immaturely.

Your ex knows this about you. This is why she isn't going to meet you any time soon. I am not suggesting she is perfect but the violent episode that night was the end, for good. If she "wapped" you in the head - which I assume means that she hit you, too - you would be wise to stay away from her, too.

Stay with the therapy you very clearly need. Leave your ex alone now. She doesn't owe you a face-to-face meeting, so I wouldn't hold your breath. It might happen, it might never. You are going to have to accept the idea that you might need move on without one last conversation. The outcome of this is not up to you anymore.

Just because you don’t like advice doesn’t mean it’s not constructive.

Agreed with the above post. You want control. Control with us, control with her, you want to control the narrative.

It is her choice not to talk to you. She doesn’t need to. And honestly, why should she?

Would you?

Since you’re enraged by a few less than positive comments, I would expect not.

Flowers don't make women forget something like a broken wrist or smashed belongings.

Over the phone or email is impersonal. I could very easily say what I want to say over the phone or in an email, but that shows nothing and does not show true feelings of sorrow. I think about her constantly. I want to hug and console her and apologize to give her some sort of peace of mind. Think about it this way, an accidental injury to a child from a parent. Maybe the parent accidentally knocked the child down and they bumped their head. Even if the child thinks it was deliberate, it still calms their nerves by having the parent which knocked them down apologize and give them a hug. Thats how apologies work. People these days too often hide behind technology, and it's easy to say sorry without actually meaning it. A true apology comes from looking someone in the eyes, owning up to their actions, and actually apologizing.

When you threw her you could have accidentally fractured her spine and injured her for life..or even killed her...

An apology isn't going to cut it. Quit trying to justify your BS actions.

You expect her to be comfortable meeting you in person when you can't control your anger? Get real...