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Thread: Getting her to talk to me

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by hatmessedup
    Thank you, I am currently seeking as much help as I can get and hope to be able to get something along the lines of the EMDR therapy you have suggested. I appreciate your positive and constructive advice.

    Glad to hear it. EMDR only works if you are able to recall and talk about the trauma. If its too upsetting to discuss just stick with normal therapy for the first few months or till whenever you feel comfortable talking about your issues THEN go to EMDR. EMDR can be upsetting at the start for the first session or two as you recall all the bad things but then things get a lot better quite quickly. Good luck.

  2. #22
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    This right here is part of your problem, OP.

    You are hot-headed and too controlling - even in an anonymous message board. It doesn't take very much to trigger you, clearly. You don't get to control how people post or respond to you. Sure, it's not what you wanted to hear. But that's not in your hands. You don't make the rules here but you seem to believe you can tell people what to do. I highly doubt this attitude is limited to online forums. Your own words in this thread strongly suggest that you have not really taken much on board and are difficult to communicate with. As soon as you hear something negative, you get your back up and lash out immaturely.

    Your ex knows this about you. This is why she isn't going to meet you any time soon. I am not suggesting she is perfect but the violent episode that night was the end, for good. If she "wapped" you in the head - which I assume means that she hit you, too - you would be wise to stay away from her, too.

    Stay with the therapy you very clearly need. Leave your ex alone now. She doesn't owe you a face-to-face meeting, so I wouldn't hold your breath. It might happen, it might never. You are going to have to accept the idea that you might need move on without one last conversation. The outcome of this is not up to you anymore.
    Last edited by Capricorn3; 05-09-2019 at 06:59 PM.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Just because you donít like advice doesnít mean itís not constructive.

    Agreed with the above post. You want control. Control with us, control with her, you want to control the narrative.

    It is her choice not to talk to you. She doesnít need to. And honestly, why should she?

    Would you?

    Since youíre enraged by a few less than positive comments, I would expect not.

  4. 05-09-2019, 07:27 AM

  5. #24
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    Flowers don't make women forget something like a broken wrist or smashed belongings.

  6.  

  7. #25
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    Originally Posted by hatmessedup
    Over the phone or email is impersonal. I could very easily say what I want to say over the phone or in an email, but that shows nothing and does not show true feelings of sorrow. I think about her constantly. I want to hug and console her and apologize to give her some sort of peace of mind. Think about it this way, an accidental injury to a child from a parent. Maybe the parent accidentally knocked the child down and they bumped their head. Even if the child thinks it was deliberate, it still calms their nerves by having the parent which knocked them down apologize and give them a hug. Thats how apologies work. People these days too often hide behind technology, and it's easy to say sorry without actually meaning it. A true apology comes from looking someone in the eyes, owning up to their actions, and actually apologizing.
    When you threw her you could have accidentally fractured her spine and injured her for life..or even killed her...

    An apology isn't going to cut it. Quit trying to justify your BS actions.

    You expect her to be comfortable meeting you in person when you can't control your anger? Get real...

  8. #26
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    Originally Posted by hatmessedup
    Just an add on to my original post here...
    First, I want to thank the individuals that actually gave positive, constructive advise. Thats what this forum is intended. I truly appreciate the help you have given me and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the advise and for your precious time.

    To the individuals which have commented, but gave some negative comments. This forum is for advice. So when people come here asking for advise, that is what you should give to them. CONSTRUCTIVE advice. People do not come here to be ridiculed or given negative advise. If you have something nice and positive to tell someone, then say it. But if not, shut your mouth. It's not a place to tell someone "If it were someone I know, you'd be in jail."

    On another note, one last thing to share. I realize that what I did is grounds for being in jail. And I know that I am very lucky that I am not in jail. For everyone's information, my ex's dad is a district attorney, so yes I know how lucky I am that I am not in jail. It's pretty obvious. Also, the night he took her to the hospital (that night) after hearing all of the details of what happened, he made sure that my name was not in the police report so that I would not be arrested. I also wrote an apology letter the very next day to her parents about my actions towards their daughter, as well as the result of my actions further inconveniencing them in the middle of the night. I also offered to pay any medical bills associated with my actions, and thanked them for the love they showed and gave me over the course of the relationship. I even asked them not to forgive me. They wrote back telling me that they do forgive me, they are not mad at me, they said I am a good man, and was a good boyfriend, and they hope that I get the help that I need, as well as offered to help me if I ever needed anything and I could always call them. I didn't even a return address on my mailed letter, because I didn't want them to write me back. So while a lot of you seem to think I am a complete horrible human being, her parents can see that this was a mistake and they have more humanity than some of you commenting on this thread.

    Again, this place is meant for positive and constructive advise to the people who are asking for help. Not a place for negativity. Thank you to the people who have put effort into leaving kind advice. Unfortunately, I do not think I will be returning back here due to the majority of the comments being negative.
    A mistake is when I asked Mcdonald's for no ketchup and I got ketchup.

    You made a conscious decision to not control your anger.

    Those negative comments you say aren't giving you any advice? All of them had advice in them. The advice was to leave her alone.

    But guess what, it's not the advice you want to hear, so you dismiss them. Listen up real quick. This isn't about what you WANT to hear. This is about what you NEED to hear. Leave her alone.

    Angry? So what. Learn to get over it. That is the problem you have now. Fix it.



    Don't want to get over it? I dare you to try and break my wrist.

  9. #27
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    Originally Posted by hatmessedup
    You seem to think the outcome of my actions was purposeful. I assure you it was not. Yes, what I did was uncalled for, but in no way was fracturing her wrist deliberate by any means. I take responsibility for what I've done, and I have not attempted to deflect from the injury I caused.
    It does not matter if you intended to break her wrist or not.
    You are a big, strong man with military training and she is a woman unable to properly to defend herself from someone like that who assaults her.
    It doesn't matter if you intended or not, when you laid a hand on her in anger or rage -- you already went too far.
    The fact that you cannot control yourself is terrifying.

    If two kids were laughing and running and one tripped over the other and one broke their wrist -- that is an accident.
    That does not even need an explanation and is the example of someone not intending to hurt someone. In that flash of a second, you intended to inflict great harm --- whether in mental control or physically - even if you didn't know how it would go.

  10. #28
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    Originally Posted by alexdg10
    You should give her some time. You guys been together for 2 years. If I were you I would disappear for at least 3 weeks to 1 month. After that buy her some roses and write her a letter apologizing to her and have someone send it to her door. If she accepts the apology then she will look for you. But Iíll say you do that.
    noooooooo Abusers try to smooth things over with flowers, jewelry and sweet words. Its called the mean/sweet cycle and it draws someone back into abuse. He needs to leave her alone in all ways shapes and forms. He needs to stop being a danger and go to therapy, see if there are any VA programs on top of it and not date anyone.

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