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Thread: My next door neighbor

  1. #1
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    My next door neighbor

    Someone might see this and remember my posts from a few weeks ago. My fiancé and I had an argument, broke up, and within minutes - ex-husband was in the driveway. She ended up parading him in front of me for about 6 weeks. I’ve never been through anything harder than watching my bipolar ex fiancé live next door and do what she’s done.

    After the ex husband was gone, her “cousin” appeared. Apparently a very very distant cousin? I came home late one night to find her in the street drunk with him trying to pull her up. I ended up carrying her to her place with him in tow. The next day she texted me that it was her cousin, not a rapist. More on this later.

    I broke down and told her I wanted the two of us to be ok, because after everything - we aren’t. Then I caught ex husband making a a couple stalker runs past her place and let her know about it. Suddenly she wants to talk to me. We go to lunch where I pretty much demand some accountability for the crap she’s pulled and the pain she caused me. She blows up, says every hurtful and hateful thing she can come up with. I made her fat, she was eating her feelings, she was miserable with me, etc. The day ended ugly.

    Two days later I say let’s have a redo of lunch with no relationship talk allowed. That I just want to find a happy place where we can co-exist. We have a great lunch, she invites me over to have a drink on her patio, we start digging in on the relationship and go deep. We cry, we discuss the pain, we apologize for our parts in everything, and then go to dinner. Dinner is good. We come home and things get intimate. And then we continue to talk and she continues to tell me how sorry she is for hurting me. We go out to a bar. We come home and keep talking til 5am. I think it’s a beautiful night. Doesn’t mean we are getting back together. Means we have found a peace with one another. Questions got answered. Pain and hurt was addressed from years ago, not just since the breakup.

    Nope. Nothing good since then. Got into an argument because someone told her parents she is doing drugs and she accused me of snitching on her. I told her that it was absolutely NOT me, but that I was finally ready to stop being her doormat, stop letting her talk to me the way she does, and that I’m ready to take back my self respect after being kind to her after everything I’ve seen her do in front of me. Been in no contact for a week.

    We’ve been close to one another for nine years. One of my best friends says I’m not rid of her yet. That she’ll cycle through this bipolar episode and reach back out to me again and again since I’m the one decent and stable person in her life outside of her immediate family. Oh - and yeah; pretty sure she’s been sleeping with her “cousin”. Caught a text while we were watching a YouTube video on her phone - cousins shouldn’t be calling you “baby”. Called her out on it. No denial or admission —- just that it’s her dad’s 2nd cousin’s son. So doesn’t count, right? Same last name though. Since then, sounds like there are others — I know that is a symptom of manic episodes of being Bi Polar. It makes me sick to think about.

    She’s been off her medication for about three months. Her behavior is beyond bad. She has said and done things in front of me that should have made any normal person quit caring. Yet here I am, unable to let go. I wake up not caring but by the middle to end of the day, I have to admit to myself that I still do. I’m much further along than I was just a few weeks ago. The level of difficulty of living next door is enormous.

    I know - RUN!!! MOVE!!! Moving is unfortunately not an option for me right now. So instead I try and pray for indifference, strength, grace, and for her to be protected from herself and the decisions she makes.

    I didn’t really need advice so much as a kind word or two. I know I can never be with her again. I just want to stop caring. Stop hurting. Stop getting fresh hurts along the way. She told me she knows I’m a great person and she knows she’s a terrible one. The other day she texted me that she wants to be a better person and wants to change. I told her to get on her medication so she could stick to it.

    I’ve never seen anything like this out of her in the 9 years I’ve known her. It’s been really really heartbreaking.

  2. #2
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    Also forgot to mention that following the big night of emotional connection, she says she doesn’t remember us having sex - or her telling me she misses me and she loves me. I hadn’t put much stock in the words in the heat of the moment, but saying she doesn’t remember the sex scares me.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Please block her and close your blinds so you can't see what she's up to. Do this so you can rehab from your addiction to her via cold turkey withdrawl. Every time you get a text from her, go to her drunken rescue or look out your window to see what she's doing, you are setting yourself back on your journey to indifference to her.

    Google "White Knight Syndrome" and see if you see yourself in any of it.

    Feel better soon. Its a hard journey to indifference so there is no point making it harder by keeping in contact with her.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by jhs011771
    Someone might see this and remember my posts from a few weeks ago. My fiancé and I had an argument, broke up, and within minutes - ex-husband was in the driveway. She ended up parading him in front of me for about 6 weeks. I’ve never been through anything harder than watching my bipolar ex fiancé live next door and do what she’s done.

    After the ex husband was gone, her “cousin” appeared. Apparently a very very distant cousin? I came home late one night to find her in the street drunk with him trying to pull her up. I ended up carrying her to her place with him in tow. The next day she texted me that it was her cousin, not a rapist. More on this later.

    I broke down and told her I wanted the two of us to be ok, because after everything - we aren’t. Then I caught ex husband making a a couple stalker runs past her place and let her know about it. Suddenly she wants to talk to me. We go to lunch where I pretty much demand some accountability for the crap she’s pulled and the pain she caused me. She blows up, says every hurtful and hateful thing she can come up with. I made her fat, she was eating her feelings, she was miserable with me, etc. The day ended ugly.

    Two days later I say let’s have a redo of lunch with no relationship talk allowed. That I just want to find a happy place where we can co-exist. We have a great lunch, she invites me over to have a drink on her patio, we start digging in on the relationship and go deep. We cry, we discuss the pain, we apologize for our parts in everything, and then go to dinner. Dinner is good. We come home and things get intimate. And then we continue to talk and she continues to tell me how sorry she is for hurting me. We go out to a bar. We come home and keep talking til 5am. I think it’s a beautiful night. Doesn’t mean we are getting back together. Means we have found a peace with one another. Questions got answered. Pain and hurt was addressed from years ago, not just since the breakup.

    Nope. Nothing good since then. Got into an argument because someone told her parents she is doing drugs and she accused me of snitching on her. I told her that it was absolutely NOT me, but that I was finally ready to stop being her doormat, stop letting her talk to me the way she does, and that I’m ready to take back my self respect after being kind to her after everything I’ve seen her do in front of me. Been in no contact for a week.

    We’ve been close to one another for nine years. One of my best friends says I’m not rid of her yet. That she’ll cycle through this bipolar episode and reach back out to me again and again since I’m the one decent and stable person in her life outside of her immediate family. Oh - and yeah; pretty sure she’s been sleeping with her “cousin”. Caught a text while we were watching a YouTube video on her phone - cousins shouldn’t be calling you “baby”. Called her out on it. No denial or admission —- just that it’s her dad’s 2nd cousin’s son. So doesn’t count, right? Same last name though. Since then, sounds like there are others — I know that is a symptom of manic episodes of being Bi Polar. It makes me sick to think about.

    She’s been off her medication for about three months. Her behavior is beyond bad. She has said and done things in front of me that should have made any normal person quit caring. Yet here I am, unable to let go. I wake up not caring but by the middle to end of the day, I have to admit to myself that I still do. I’m much further along than I was just a few weeks ago. The level of difficulty of living next door is enormous.

    I know - RUN!!! MOVE!!! Moving is unfortunately not an option for me right now. So instead I try and pray for indifference, strength, grace, and for her to be protected from herself and the decisions she makes.

    I didn’t really need advice so much as a kind word or two. I know I can never be with her again. I just want to stop caring. Stop hurting. Stop getting fresh hurts along the way. She told me she knows I’m a great person and she knows she’s a terrible one. The other day she texted me that she wants to be a better person and wants to change. I told her to get on her medication so she could stick to it.

    I’ve never seen anything like this out of her in the 9 years I’ve known her. It’s been really really heartbreaking.
    You did this to yourself! How many times does she have to do this to you, before you wake up. I have zero sympathy for any of this!

    Get some professional help for your co dependency issues. And, you should also move.

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  6. #5

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    First of all, I am so extremely sorry. I've been here, I know this feeling. Falling in love with a mentally ill person is probably one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever endured. It's also a mental battle with yourself-between your head and your heart. And just know, it takes a special kind of person and heart to continue loving someone that is capable of being so ill and refuses to change it.

    I've went through this for 8 years. And in that 8 years, there has been mania, depression, alcohol abuse, cheating, a lot of lonely nights crying, abandonment, screaming mental abuse and more. I had to let go, because I had to come to terms with the fact that the person I loved and wanted to marry is not real. I wanted to marry him and live the typical life. I envisioned kids, and taking turns to pick them up from school, I imagined him becoming an amazing father, I imagined dinners together and surfing together, teaching our kids to surf. But all of it was unrealistic. The person I wanted to marry was so ill, he could not be that and it would not be his life or our life. The reality is, he would probably hurt and abandon our kids as much as he has done so to me, he would cheat again, he would cycle back again, depression to mania to depression. We would have petty arguments about his morally wrong actions - and he would be defensive of them (which is essentially a waste of life - the amount of hours I've spent trying to rationalize morals and values to him). I went to multiple therapy sessions and support groups to understand my heart, his heart, his head. But that was my own battle

    She doesn't seem like she has made any effort to change, be sober, seek therapy, maintain meds and mental stability. So with that, remind yourself that loving her and the future life you wanted with her isn't realistic. And thats how you let go. So sorry again.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You dodged a bullet. Try to avoid her as much as possible. Block and delete her and all her people from all your messaging apps and social media.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    You know you answered your own questions and you also know what you need to do but you are unwilling to let go because you have hope deep down that she will change.

    You will not be able to get away from her until you start with baby steps walking away. One step at a time...

    The first thing you need to do is start looking for a new place to live. Staying this close to her is a HUGE mistake and you will get nowhere fast if you do not move. We don't want to hear excuses why you can't move, just get looking today for a new place and make sure you don't tell her where it is!!!

    She is a train wreck and you cannot save her because she doesn't want to save herself. I am sure she thinks there is nothing wrong with the way she is living her life so why try or care if she doesn't?

    Let us know how apartment hunting is going

    Lost

  9. #8
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    I don't even know where to begin with this one. Here are some things you need to today:

    1. Start reading Redpill and Chateau Heartiste material ASAP.
    2. Start looking for a new place to live ASAP. (If you can't get yourself in gear, talk to a close male buddy about this and make him hold you accountable)
    3. Ignore all contact from her, starting now. You will end up dead, in jail, or permanently damaged emotionally if you continue on with her.
    4. Hit the gym and start lifting weights. Lifting always makes me feel 100% in control and the endorphins you get from it can totally change everything.

  10. #9
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    Thank you for being understanding. After the response from Hollyj above, I figured I would never post anything again. I’m so glad I checked back and found your message, and I appreciate your response.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jhs011771
    Thank you for being understanding. After the response from Hollyj above, I figured I would never post anything again. I’m so glad I checked back and found your message, and I appreciate your response.
    Jhs: Did you google "White Knight Syndrome" if not, you would do well to start looking into your codependency issues at the White Knight links. You are wasting good dating years on this woman and if you ever do get to the stage of indifference to her and start dating new women, if you haven't faced your own symptoms and overcome them, then you will very likely pick another woman very similar to this ex who has all this power over you.

    Look into "codependency and how to overcome"

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