Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Should I break the no contact rule in order to apologise?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    6

    Should I break the no contact rule in order to apologise?

    I met a woman almost one year ago. It was a passionate beginning, but we live 100 miles apart. She has emotional problems as she lost her mum recently & had a bad accident too. I supported her as much as I could, but around Christmas time she tried to take her own life. At the time i didn't know this as she didn't tell me, she just said she wanted space, which I gave her. A few agonizing weeks passed and we got back together, then soon we planned to get engaged.

    Since then I had a lot of bad luck. My car cost me loads of money & I started having health problems. I felt pressure from the situation, but i did the best i could to live up to people's expectations, but i was finding the whole thing tiring & generally too much too soon.

    We then had a couple of bad nights out. The first was where I was accused of not spending enough time with her... The way I saw it was because for me it was the first time meeting her friends, at the time I thought it best to spend time with them, thinking it would be good to connect with her friends... they liked me, that part was good, but my partner fell over & apparently people were saying "where's your man?" I felt terrible about this & apologized.

    The next time was a family party. The first part went well & by a certain point when most people were leaving I suggested we do too, she started to get aggressive & accused me of being too old etc. She made things worse by wanting to argue in front of the remaining kids who were left. I was feeling tired & ill by this point & was struggling to cope. We got home at 8am, I slept for a bit & woke to find her asleep on the stairs in a ruined condition. I got her into bed & i explained i was going home, we almost split up at this point, but when I got home i text her & said i still love her, but we need to talk.

    But time passed & we didn't talk. I got annoyed with her lack of conversation & ignored my phone for a few days. During that time she was asking me to visit her. So although I got the reaction I wanted i consider this a dumb move as by the time i got the message it was too late. Two weeks passed & we tried to make plans to meet up, considering she has a busier lifestyle than me with children etc, neither of us is phased by having to work around such things.

    But then I get a text suggesting breaking up! I call her & she doesn't really want to talk about it, starts crying & then hung up. I then text her the following day loads. After a couple of days she comes online & tells me it's over. I freaked out & said some things on the heat of the moment that I now realize I shouldn't have. She then blocks me on her phone.

    I've spent the last few days wondering what to do... I thought i had concluded to write to her & explain things in a calmer way. i bought her a ticket to a festival that she said she wanted to go to, I was going to also buy the ring & offer it to her at the festival if she decided to come with me. It would be at the same place exactly one year from when we met. I was thinking she'd love how romantic that'd be.

    However, I've now done some more in depth reading & have decided against doing that from what everyone is saying about the no contact rule. Which I can see now seems a much better thing to do in this situation.

    It's only been a few days since we spoke & i am wondering if i should break the no contact rule in order to apologize for the things that I said?? I'm thinking that if i do that now & then proceed with the no contact rule, she'll be spending time without me hopefully thinking of me in a better way rather than how things are now.

    I realize I messed up bad! I am useless at knowing how best to react, hiding feelings of anger etc until tonight when I read about it online... Is there no hope after i reacted badly when she broke it off with me? Or is it understandable to be angry with her? considering this is our first real problem, I would have expected that she raise an issue with me first & then try to work it out.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,231
    Gender
    Female
    No. She blocked you on her phone. Any contact from you after that point could be constured as unwanted or harassing her.

    considering this is our first real problem,

    First? She tried to commit suicide, you met her friends but ditched your lady in the process instead of staying by her side with her as the main person you wanted to be with and interact with while being introduced to her friends, and why did she fall over (drunk??), she randomly attacks you because of your age, who stays out at a family party until 8 am, and then both of you stonewalled eachother. I suggest you reread this and then again tell me that *this* - the breakup was the only problem.

    I suggest you leave her alone. Move on. Get your act together with your health, car, whatever and take a little break from dating.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,306
    You both messed up bad. Continue the no contact rule. She wants to break up. It sounds like your heart's not really into her either, both of you are not meant for each other and take a permanent break from each other.

    Don't even consider getting engaged and married. That's off the table.

    She is mentally unstable, a very busy mother and you need to focus on getting healthy.

    In the future, be with a normal woman without a host of problems because a stable person will make your life easier and less stressed!

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    6
    Thank you for your response. I didn't feel like I ditched my lady that night, we did spend some time together, often the dynamics in a big night club means that you can just keep missing one another. I also feel that it's good not come across too clingy & give people space. She actually said on the night that she enjoys watching me dance with other people, so I did. I was wearing a gold shirt, you'd be right to think so what? But what happened was endless amounts of other people wanted to talk about it & thus a distraction. I'm not exactly going to be rude to them. I just kind of had a brief conversation with them & then moved on. I feel it's a nice thing to see your partner socializing with strangers too, as it shows confidence. In the back of my mind i thought we are in a big group with lots of friends, we are all looking out for one another. I could compare that night to another when it was just the two of us & things were fine as it was simple, we stayed together.

    Also, we are both performers. Sometimes it's hard to switch that off. I actually had the same thing with her on another night, when she barely spent any time with me. i thought oh no! what have i done? But it turned out she was just caught up in the moment meeting people as a kind of in crowd performer. I didn't hold a grudge when i realized that was all it was.

    It was hard to know how drunk she was. She said she wasn't going to drink much, but I have slowly been suspecting she's drinking when no one is looking... before we left I noticed an empty bottle of wine & said - no way we've not even left the house yet! But she said that she'd lost the whole bottle on the floor. I believed her. Since around then there's been more concern about her drinking.

    I agree, the other party went on too long. I was desperate to go home. You could say we stayed because the teenagers were still up (that have way more stamina than me) & we were kind of sticking it out so that we knew they were all ok. We weren't stonewalling each other. No voices were raised. I just remember getting slowly wound up having to stay up that long while my partner was mocking my occasional problem with anxiety. The truth is i was tired, feeling ill (not from drink or drugs) & was mentally exhausted as it was a big family event. I had spent the earlier part of the night socializing with a lot of her family & friends. I had been nervous doing all that as i wanted to make a good impression on them, which i did, that part was fine.

    Since just after the Christmas period mentioned above, I pretty much spent all my spare time at hers, keeping her company & doing housework mainly. I enjoyed caring for her. A couple of times I just dropped everything & drove the 100 miles if she was having a bad time. She is getting herself back on track a lot more now & I want to be with her again... i know i messed up! Oh if I could only turn back the clock

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,222
    All this in less than a year?

    Why the hurry to get married?

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    6
    Oh yes! Good question! yes, less than a year! i love her, the thought of spending the rest of my life with her gives me a huge smile as she's amazing! I regret not saying, lets not rush things, I'm in no hurry with any of that. But certainly at the time I had just come through the her 'needing some space' period...which just before that she suddenly developed an issue with the word boyfriend. I freaked when she said it, she explained that she didn't want to be in a box with a word. Her words were that we were lovers with a spiritual & physical connection. I ended up saying ok call it whatever as we'd agreed that we were exclusive, which is what I wanted entirely.

    Ha! She also thought friends with benefits meant like her male friend who comes over to mow the lawn... she said he's my friend & the mowed lawn is the benefit Haha!

    So anyway, at the time I was glad to get a proper name to it, tell our friends etc, let everyone know we are properly together

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    6
    If I ever get the chance to put a ring on her finger I'd propose an eternity ring... which seems better & more chilled, as the whole engagement thing was too much too quick

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,231
    Gender
    Female
    Thank you for your response. I didn't feel like I ditched my lady that night, we did spend some time together, often the dynamics in a big night club means that you can just keep missing one another.

    when you go to a club with a date, you stick with her. You didn't go as a "friend group" with her. If you decide you are both okay with you dancing with other people -- you have your dance, and then you circle to your table or spot you have made yours. If you have to wait for her a minute, you wait. You are on a date. You are not going as a friend group with your college buddies. And a night club is a lousey place to meet friends for the first time unless you are 21.


    No voices were raised. I just remember getting slowly wound up having to stay up that long while my partner was mocking my occasional problem with anxiety.


    did'n't you say you didn't talk for a few days. thats what i meant.

    And no - put no ring on her finger. Not even a twist tie

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    6
    I realize that now, but at the time I had no idea that I needed to do that. I admit I'm useless at knowing exactly how I'm supposed to behave in certain situations like that, or what a twist tie is. I've never been out with a woman in that kind of context, except once with her a few weeks prior, where it was just her & I at a much smaller & less intense/busy club... that night everything was great! If anything like that comes up again, i will certainly stay with my partner all night, because I have learnt that's what I'm supposed to do.

    That night i was only either with our friendship group/area, a couple of trips to the loo, & the very busy bar & that's it. I didn't go outside or to any other areas, why would I.

    Communication around that time was normal, it was after those nights that she went a bit quieter. It was a genuine mistake & I apologized.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,433
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately you seem oblivious to who she is and what she wants. That is generally from a lack of communication as well as living in your own head throughout the relationship as well as now after the breakup. For example, she broke up with you, blocked you and your thoughts are lets but tickets and rings and be romantic. You two are just not on the same page. Also stop reading those 'get your ex back' scam sites. That seems to be where you are getting these terms and ideas from "write her", no contact "rule", etc.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •