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Thread: Abused but scared I won't find anyone better? Deserving abuse?

  1. #1
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    Abused but scared I won't find anyone better? Deserving abuse?

    I just got out of a toxic relationship and a failed toxic friendship with my ex. He was extremely emotionally abusive, always snapped at me, always made me feel like I should feel privileged he's still talking to me, even after our breakup (he broke up with me) he still played with my emotions by keeping me constantly in his back pocket/radar. I wasn't innocent either but I feel like my negative qualities rooted from the mind games. We had a strong emotional connection where I could say anything on my mind, he is the first person I've let inside my head like that and it feels like I won't find someone better. Although I was unhappy in the relationship, I'm terrified that I'm letting my soulmate walk away. Logically I know we weren't compatible sometimes but I'm scared I wont find anyone else.

    I don't have friends or anyone else in my life to support me. When my relationship started getting difficult, I distanced myself from friends and family because I felt embarassed that I was being abused and ashamed that I actively wanted to him to stay and even begged at some point.

    I can't afford therapy but I feel worn out, damaged and alone.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I'm glad you realize that you have contributed to your own difficulties. You stayed with someone who snapped at you, made you feel inferior and played with your emotions. He couldn't have kept you in his back pocket if you hadn't let him.

    After all that, I find it hard to believe that you think he's your soulmate. Just turn the page and move on.

    You can reconnect with your old friends. Be grateful that you're out of this relationship.

  3. #3
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    Time to reach out to your family and friends. You also need to confide in what happened.

    Have you done a search to see if their are free therapy groups in your area? I am guessing not.

    Time to also keep yourself busy. Look into free activities and volunteering to keep you busy and build your self esteem. You are responsible for your own happiness. I hope this guy is blocked!

  4. #4
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    Do not look into any dating. You have a lot of work to do on yourself. You would choose another abuser if you do not understand what brought you to this place.

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  6. #5
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    No one deserves abuse. No matter what. The local abuse hotline can usually refer you to counseling. Take advantage of it.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    A partner who gives you endless angst is never a soulmate. A man who treats you with disrespect needs to be dropped. You need to heal yourself and recover which takes time.

    Reconnect with family and friends for moral support. See them in person as opposed to only corresponding electronically. Cultivate, nurture and maintain those relationships because it's important. I know I'm at fault because in the past, whenever my life was gravy, I dropped family and friends. The problem was when life became tough and I needed them, we were less than acquaintances which I needed to rebuild all over again.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Trinity11's Avatar
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    You are smarter than you think. Abuse never happens in one fell swoop, but happens gradually over a period of time.
    Get in touch with family, old friends, make new friends via clubs or even support groups. Don't be embarrassed to tell them what happened. If they are your friends I am sure they weren't blind to what was happening and will be glad to have you back and on the right track.
    Don't date someone until you can establish normal trusting friendships again or you may fall into another bad relationship out of habit.

    Good luck, we are all rooting for you! Things can only get better!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I always tell myself "If not him, then that means it'll be someone else" you should enjoy meeting people and chatting. I was raised to "date to marry" so I definitely had my issues with this same thought process.

    When I tell myself "if not him, then someone else" I'm basically telling myself that I'll find someone eventually even if this fails. It helps me remove myself, stick to my standards and expectations and desensitize myself a bit/separate myself from the huge cloud of lust/wonder/joy that happens when you meet someone new.

    As for not dating quality guys I think that's a self esteem issue. You will find someone. You have nothing to worry about. If not him, someone else.

    Instead of attaching yourself to them, see where they fit in YOUR life. If they make sense in your world. That's how you weed out the bad ones. Whenever I forget to do this I get douchebags that aren't housetrained
    Listen your own advice. Like literally it canít fit you anymore if you tried. Be the persona your portray...

    itís in you somewhere let that girl out.

    Stop this helpless victim thing, it does nothing but push you down further. Take ownership for your actions, this is a toxic relationship and like a drug addict you kept going back for more, now your withdrawals are about to take you out.

    You are better than this! Follow your words. They came from the person screaming to be let out

  10. #9
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    Look at this chart - check off all the ways he controlled and manipulated you. No one deserves that. Most likely he encouraged you to get distant from fam & friends 'cuz that is what abusers do.

    Honestly - don't look back not even for a split second. I won't say it will be easy to get up and moving forward again. But you have to give yourself the chance. You have to believe in yourself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Any sociopath can "get inside your head". That is not a "soulmate". It's what he did with what's inside your head that matters. All you can do is make an appt with a doctor for a checkup to rule out physical problems requiring medical attention (depression, etc) and get a referral with a qualified therapist to sort through all this.

    Look into clinics that have resources for low income/no insurance individuals. Also check for free support groups in your area . A qualified therapist can "get inside your head" but they use that for therapeutic purposes to help you heal emotionally. It's up to you to help yourself. It's best to start being honest with friends and family, but do not rely on them in lieu of therapy. Simply state that you left and abusive situation. Work on being more independent, emotionally, financially and socially.
    Originally Posted by rchubn
    We had a strong emotional connection where I could say anything on my mind, he is the first person I've let inside my head like that and it feels like I won't find someone better.

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