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Thread: Ex states that we have 'different communication styles'?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Cinder
    Yes, it's immature - but that's how girls (and boys) are in the beginning. They don't know how to communicate, they just know how to express their frustration.

    And because neither one of them have a clue on how to handle this...it's spiraling downhill fast. They get resentful, and start lashing out or being distant...and all it takes is someone to have the courage to leave, or find someone new.

    Sit her down and say "Hey, I really care about you and want to know how to fix us, and I'm not leaving until you tell me what's bothering you. :-)" Be cute and fun about it. Don't walk away.

    This doesn't work. This is just encouraging her to continue her sulking, pouting, and tantrums. Her reactions would still be getting his attention...so there is no incentive for her to change her dynamic in the relationship. He would still be trying to please her.

    Compromise where necessary...learn to be happy with yourself.






    Also, those how to get an ex back videos on YouTube are mostly just BS praying on the emotionally weak, but if you sign up, buy my book, and pay me how to be your mentor I can show you the easy to follow 6 step process not to become victim of those YouTube videos and also get your ex back. Start your Free* trial today.

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  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    My advice would be the next time she tells you that you don't understsnd her and you should know what's bothering her, stand up to her and for yourself, have a backbone and tell her "no that is not how healthy relationships work. I'm not a mind reader. How about you learning to tell me what's bothering you instead of me jumping thru hoops to figure it out."
    .
    Thanks for responding! I've done this, a few times. Either its "I should known whats bothering her', or she doesn't want to talk about. I've told her that communication is necessary for a healthy relationship. She said that it was never an issue with her other relationships.

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    This sounds EXACTLY like my soon to be ex wife when she was in a mood.

    She's not happy with herself and is playing games. I'm biased at this point, but my suggestion is to put an end to it all before you get involved too deep.

    Breaking it off is my suggestion, but if you really want to still try, you could consider couples counseling and hopefully she will pick up on what is acceptable communication behavior.

    I doubt she will. She has to want to. Sulking, storming off, and sitting in her car waiting on you to chase her is immature petty bull. Childish at best.

    Tell her, no counseling, no relationship. Stick to your guns.
    Thanks for the reply. This is very practical advice. I've heard a few times that I shouldn't bother with the relationship based on what they heard. I've also considered couples counselling as a way to get a third party to comment on her behavior, and as a way to legitimize my concerns. I've tried talking to her about it, and at first she didn't acknowledge an issue there, but it seems like shes slowly becoming receptive to the idea. Its just unfortunate because in the meantime there was this pent up resentment due to lack of communication that was making it hard to work on the lack of communication.

    Also, I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your wife. I can't imagine how hard that must be to deal with!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by lucid1
    Thanks for responding! I've done this, a few times. Either its "I should known whats bothering her', or she doesn't want to talk about. I've told her that communication is necessary for a healthy relationship. She said that it was never an issue with her other relationships.
    Right, then those relationships were so successful that she left them?

    BS.

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  6. #15

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    Totally appreciate the thought and effort that you put in here!

    Originally Posted by 1tym
    She wants to talk to you and she wants you to listen to her.
    I'd love to do that. But how am I suppose to listen to her when she doesn't want to talk about whats bothering her?

    Originally Posted by 1tym
    She is telling you that she doesn't expect you to know what's bothering her but expects you to know to get her comfortable enough so that she opens up and talks to you, while feeling confident that you will listen and not try to fix the situation.
    Possibly? Unfortunately this would be her saying one thing and meaning another, which is part of the problem I have with how she communicates. I know that she has a hard time getting comfortable with someone. I also try to be a problem fixer, just because I don't like people feeling bad. At the same time though I understand that its important to empathize with someone about a problem rather than offering suggestions to fix it.


    Originally Posted by 1tym
    She is testing you, she had issues like this before, boyfriends wouldn't listen to give emotional support when she feels down.
    Again this is her saying one thing but meaning something else, which in this case is the exact opposite of what she is saying. Regardless this could be right, and it could be what she wanted from me.



    Originally Posted by 1tym
    You are looking at things logically but looking at what she is doing wrong. You are not putting yourself in her shoes and looking at it from her perspective. You are trying to rationalize why the relationship is failing and coming to a conclusion that "if she did X,Y,Z then things could be better" while you are not thinking about your own actions. Your actions make sense to yourself and should make sense to her. You have to know and understand, she is coming from a place of emotion where she feels and acts according to her feelings. Some woman are better and more level headed then others and can keep them in check, some can not, it's up to you to support her through her emotional feelings.
    I'm looking at this from the perspective that she is utilizing an unhealthy and ineffective way to try to communicate and deal with perceived concerns. My actions are asking her to bring up and talk about her concerns so we can address them at some point. you previously mentioned to offer emotional support and rather than try to fix them, but what happens when these issues don't get address, anger and frustration and resentment occur, and things escalate out



    Originally Posted by 1tym
    You are trying to be understanding AND trying to fix it. Naturally, for you, X happens, you see why X happened, then you do Z to fix the issue so that it doesn't happen again. You are missing something though, it only solves the issues that YOU deem that are issues in the relationship. You are not addressing what her issues are nor are you fixing them.
    I'd love to address what the issues are. Unfortunately a lack of communication prevents a clear understanding of what they are. And of course, without understanding them they can't be fixed.


    Originally Posted by 1tym
    So in a nut shell, it seems like she came to your house/room to break up with you but got frustrated because she couldn't find the words or the courage. She wants to break up with you. This has been on her mind for a while now, it seems to me she is trying everything she can for you to break up with her so that she doesn't have that guilt of breaking up with you. She doesn't want to hurt you, so if you two are having problems and fighting then those actions are less impacted as to her actions if those words come out from her.

    If you are fighting and she says lets break up. It's less hurtful and she doesn't have to give you a reason because you two were fighting.
    If you are fighting and YOU say lets break up, then it's even better for her because she has no guilt when you leave.
    If she breaks up with you without fights and just talking then she is scared or nervous of the reason why she wants to break up. She knows you will ask and she will have to offer something for you to hear. It could be a lie, half truth, or whatever. You will see that as such that and start telling her things or maybe not. She doesn't know how you will react. Thus she doesn't want to be in that situation to have to answer your questions.

    Either way, she wants to break up with you all the while with no guilt and her idea of not wanting to hurt you by breaking up with you.

    So give her what she truly desires. You break up with her. Offer no reason and don't look back.
    I don't quite think that this is the case, although anything is possible. I say this because I've seen her exhibit the same kind of behavior fairly early in our relationship, even when we were otherwise content. There's other things I'm basing this on, but perhaps I won't get into at the moment.

  7. #16

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    Originally Posted by maew
    Yes I do think you have different communication styles, and it's not so much a deficiency on your part as it is something that perhaps both of you could meet in the middle on.

    I have a defect of character that causes me to shut down when I am not feeling heard... this can happen when someone is distracted while I am talking, or if they try and fix me, or dismiss what I am saying, or talk over me, or whatever. At the end of the day because I can't expect the world to change just for me, I have to flex someone in my ability to be resilient and keep going with my communication because I know how important it is to building good relationships.

    From your side of things I completely agree with 1tym,,, while it's not your job to be a mind reader, you can support her by being a good listener (give her your full attention when she is speaking, watch for body language, tone, key words, ask open ended questions, show interest, etc.)... generally speaking I find that type of listening will eventually get even the most shy and introverted person to be more open and communicative about what they are thinking and feeling.

    Thanks for your response and openness.

    It wouldn't surprise me that she does something similar, that when something bothers her she tends to shut out the rest of the world. Its mature of you to recognize that the world can't accommodate your particular way of doing things. I wish that she would've tried to meet me half way, and it seems that she couldn't meet me 25% of the way. It seems like it was somehow try to deal with the way that she does things or else.

    I feel like I've very much tried to be understanding and empathetic. I did try to encourage her to talk about her concerns, and iterated how important communication is in a relationship. Its ironic because if I try to be understandable and not press her to communicate (even for me to simply listen), then things get pent up, theres resentment, and things escalate. However if I press her to communicate then I'm pressuring her, which also leads to negative results.

  8. #17
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    There are unnecessary issues, drama and unintelligent communication styles especially from your ex. If she is your ex, why is this a concern for you now? She should be history to you as far as you're concerned.

    Steer clear of complex, complicated personalities because they're high maintenance which inevitably and ultimately leads to breakup. Both parties should communicate and / or correspond clearly and respectfully. No one is a mind reader.

  9. #18
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lucid1
    Is this some kind of incompatible communication style? Am I suppose to deduce what her problem is? Am i somehow deficient? Be honest!
    Yes, I think "incompatible communication style" is probably a good way to describe it. My mom is like this. It drives me nuts. Who has time to guess and worry over her riddles? Not me.

    But my sister eats it up. And my mom also has many lifelong friends who don't seem to mind it at all.

    Different strokes for different folks. You have to decide what you're willing to put up with, because you CANNOT change her behavior. Trust me.

    With the exception of my mom and a couple other close friend/ family type people that I'm basically stuck with, I don't enter into relationships with these types of high-maintenance people. Too much work!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Replied in your thread from yesterday about this same topic/issue : [Register to see the link]

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