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Thread: How should it be in the beginning?

  1. #1

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    How should it be in the beginning?

    So first of all, i have recently (in february) gotten out of a, very unhealthy, two year, relationship that led me to struggle with anxiety and dissociation.
    Now, i started dating this guy i had a crush on for forever about a week ago and although we made it official really quickly, we did not make it public, if that makes sense. He is my bestfriend's older brother and he is three years older than me (Im 17, he is 20). He is this incredibly sweet and thoughtful guy and i like him a lot. The problem is, when im not with him, im not sure how often we should be texting or why dont i feel those crazy butterflies i did in my first relationship. I guess every relationship is different but how different should it be? I feel calm when im with him and i do feel the butterflies somtimes but everything is so different from my previous relationship that i start wondering if it means that we are not that good together (?)
    In my last relationship we texted constantly and ran out of topic multiple times a day but with my new boyfriend we text much less and its even a bit hard to convey the idea that i'm in a relationship. Did i jump into this too fast? What should i do??

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Veeidk
    Did i jump into this too fast?
    If you ever have to ask this question the answer tends to be yes.

    It sounds like you've hardly allowed yourself time to process your last relationship—to feel what you need to feel, grow as you need to grow, in order to full let go of that chapter.

    It also sounds like you don't really like this new guy so much as (a) you like having a guy and (b) think it's your job to really like anyone who really likes you.

    Anyhow, there's no rush. Dating is feeling someone out, feeling out our feelings for someone, and seeing if everything lines up to press the "official" button making it a relationship. Maybe just try to approach this that way, since you're already in it, though if it keeps feeling "off"—which is basically what you're describing—I'd suggest giving yourself some more time to get over your last relationship so you're not comparison shopping this way.

  3. #3
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    What I am a little confused about is why you keep comparing it to your last relationship. You said “everything is so different from the from my previous relationship that I start wondering if it means that we are not good together,” which I think is untrue. Your last relationship did not work, so it being different might be a good thing. Isn’t it a good thing that things are different from the last one, considering it was so unhealthy? I think every other day or every few days is good for texting. Texting all the time I feel like could create an unhealthy relationship where everything revolves around that person and there becomes a dependency issue, and if you text every few days you will actually have stuff to talk about. Maybe might’ve jumped it too fast but I do not think thats a massive problem. I say just keep going with what is going on, text them if you have something to text about and dont try to force it I would say. I am sure it will all work out.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He'll be dating a minor. This is illegal in a lot of places. You might both want to be a bit careful about your relationship and be aware. If you're feeling vulnerable and like this isn't a good place for you, stop seeing him or speaking with him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    It sounds like you've hardly allowed yourself time to process your last relationship—to feel what you need to feel, grow as you need to grow, in order to full let go of that chapter.
    This.

    He'll be dating a minor. This is illegal in a lot of places. You might both want to be a bit careful about your relationship and be aware. If you're feeling vulnerable and like this isn't a good place for you, stop seeing him or speaking with him.
    Also this.

    Isn’t it a good thing that things are different from the last one, considering it was so unhealthy?
    And this.

    He is this incredibly sweet and thoughtful guy and i like him a lot. The problem is, when im not with him, im not sure how often we should be texting or why dont i feel those crazy butterflies i did in my first relationship
    I get the sense that you are someone that thinks obsession and constant attention = chemistry and butterflies.

    I guess every relationship is different but how different should it be
    This depends on you. The people I ended up in relationships with for the most part tended to be strong, angry alpha males... extroverted, outgoing, charming, funny, sarcastic, abusive and controlling tyrants. This was what I felt I deserved, and because I was super insecure, needy and anxious and looking for someone to "fix" me this is what I was attracting. I thought constant fighting and conflict was totally normal and just part of every relationship. I wasn't attracted to sweet, kind and thoughtful men... because I didn't think I was deserving of that or that I was capable of being sweet, kind, loving or thoughtful to someone else.

    The relationship I am in now is drastically different from every other relationship I have had... he is sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful, passionate, introverted, friendly and authentic... the same person with me as he is with everyone else.

    OP maybe you are just shut down from your last relationship, or maybe you think you don't deserve a sweet and thoughtful guy after your last experience, or maybe you just aren't attracted to him. You may want to do some soul searching, release this one back to the wild and just focus on doing you for awhile.

  7. #6
    Member EclipseCross's Avatar
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    Every relationship is different and I've learned that comparing the relationships is not a good idea. Last time I compared my boyfriend and my ex, the boyfriend told me I wasn't ready for a new relationship. And you know what? He was right.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Veeidk
    So first of all, i have recently (in february) gotten out of a, very unhealthy, two year, relationship that led me to struggle with anxiety and dissociation.
    Now, i started dating this guy i had a crush on for forever about a week ago and although we made it official really quickly, we did not make it public, if that makes sense. He is my bestfriend's older brother and he is three years older than me (Im 17, he is 20). He is this incredibly sweet and thoughtful guy and i like him a lot. The problem is, when im not with him, im not sure how often we should be texting or why dont i feel those crazy butterflies i did in my first relationship. I guess every relationship is different but how different should it be? I feel calm when im with him and i do feel the butterflies somtimes but everything is so different from my previous relationship that i start wondering if it means that we are not that good together (?)
    In my last relationship we texted constantly and ran out of topic multiple times a day but with my new boyfriend we text much less and its even a bit hard to convey the idea that i'm in a relationship. Did i jump into this too fast? What should i do??
    If you have to ask, you're not into him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and therapist to help sort all this out. Another relationship right now would just be confusing. Stop texting this guy this much. Focus on getting healthy not finding unhealthy distractions.
    Originally Posted by Veeidk
    i have recently (in february) gotten out of a, very unhealthy, two year, relationship that led me to struggle with anxiety and dissociation.
    He is my bestfriend's older brother and he is three years older than me (Im 17, he is 20).

  10. #9

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    I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to answer and help me out! I realized that most of you were right and now the guy i got involved with and i are back to being friends!


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