He cheated and is now with her - why cant I let go?

Hello everyone, I am hoping for your advice and support on how to handle my situation. I am a 28 year old woman and a little more than a year ago, I met a man through a mutual connection. We had a great connection and our relationship progressed quickly- meeting his friends, family, going away for a long weekend, spending quality time together. We shared many similar interests and I truly felt that I could trust him and be myself around him. My only reservation was an ex-gf of his whom he seemed to be in constant contact with. I told him many times I was not ok with it, and he assured me it was nothing and that he felt bad for her because she was hurt that he was seeing someone new. We dated for 5 months only for him to break up with me because I no longer trusted him and the ex-gf situation after a more-than-coincidental run in with her on the street. A month after the break up, I discovered that he had been cheating on me with that woman the entire time him and I were going out. From meet to break up, he had been seeing her, sleeping with her behind my back, and went to great lengths to cover his lies and actions. I was devastated and felt truly betrayed and discarded. Now, 7 months after the discovery, he is back together with her and has since told me that he no longer wants anything to do with me. I know this man is not a good person, he hurt me and his actions were sickly deceptive. However, I can't seem to let go. I find myself checking his social media and getting angry or sad when I see that he looks happy. Is it selfish to feel that he does not deserve happiness after what he did? I think about him and wonder if he is thinking about me. I am angry because I feel as though she won and I lost. She is much older than him and is not very attractive. I was good to him and cared for him and I cannot understand why he threw me away for her. Why her and not me?

Is this thought process a normal part of the healing process? I understand we were not together very long, but the hurt is just the same. Why can't I just see him for the terrible person he was and not care? Any advice you can give on how to get over this hurdle of jealousy, confusion, and hurt is so appreciated.

Wow commoncore,

That's a really terrible situation. I get sick even thinking about it.

First of all, it's completely normal that you feel like that. He hurt you and now he seems fine. You're a victim here. Think about criminals, many of them feel fine after committing a crime. Their victims however do not. So think of yourself as a victim of a romantic criminal. You were betrayed, manipulated and used. It might even be similar to Stockholm syndrome, where victims get attached to their abusers.

And that's all there is. You are not in love, you are simply emotionally attached to him due to your ego wanting revenge and to win. Once you can let that go you can let go. So I think you need to nurture your ego. Try and get therapy and hobbies that improve your self confidence.

Sorry this is happening. Your instincts were correct that constant contact with his ex was a problem. How long after they broke up did you meet/start dating? This is all on him and nothing you could have dome would have changed this type of outcome. It's a lack of integrity on his part..

You did the right thing ending it. All you can do is the usual healing process of reconnecting with friends, family and getting back involved in single life. Just stay busy while time does it's healing. Know he's the loser in this scenario, not you.

We dated for 5 months only for him to break up with me because I no longer trusted him and the ex-gf situation. I discovered that he had been cheating on me with that woman the entire time him and I were going out.

He had been cheating on you or with you? If he was still with his "ex" the whole time he was messing around with you, she wasn't actually his ex and you were the side chick. He was never your bf, he was a dude cheating on his gf with you.

Anyway, what it comes down to is that you have an unhealthy competitive view about relationships. It's something you win. That's actually toxic to you and will land you in these kinds of situations time and again. A person is not a prize and a cheater....definitely not a prize. Right now, you are tying your self worth to this idea of being better than another woman, except life doesn't work like that....as you are learning. What people do, how people feel, who they decide to be with has absolutely nothing to do with you, your worth, what you have to offer. There is no "I'm better than her or worse than her" when it comes to relationships. I hope you can wrap your mind around that somehow.

. I find myself checking his social media and getting angry or sad when I see that he looks happy. Is it selfish to feel that he does not deserve happiness after what he did? I think about him and wonder if he is thinking about me. I am angry because I feel as though she won and I lost. She is much older than him and is not very attractive. I was good to him and cared for him and I cannot understand why he threw me away for her. Why her and not me?

 

First, I'm sorry this happened. STOP checking his social media. Block him. You know you are only hurting yourself by doing this. It's a normal feeling to want someone to hurt the way they hurt you. It's a normal feeling to want someone to get "what they deserve". BUT, it is not healthy for that feeling to linger or to dwell on this. Allow yourself that moment of anger, then move on. Revenge solves nothing. What IF he was sad? Would that change what happened or take away any the pain of what happened? There's a beautiful saying " Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." By continuing to be angry, you hurt only yourself. And truthfully, the more you hang on to these feelings, you make the other person look MORE justified in breaking up with you.

He is NOT thinking about you. This is not about "winning" and "losing" and you MUST stop thinking about it that way. Besides, it's all perspective. Would you really want to be with a liar and cheater in the long term? To me that sounds like you won and she lost. Please do not bash this other girl, especially her looks. Sorry, but that's really petty and immature. Please have enough self respect not to sink to that level. She cannot control HIS actions and you NEVER know what he might have told her.

Sometimes some people are just a better fit for us than others. People get it wrong when they think of it in the terms you just used. It isn't about what you "did" or "didn't do" and sometimes we can't put in words why one person is better for us than another. This is not a competition between you and her. You seem to have self esteem issues, because if you felt strong self worth you'd be saying, " He's a loser who missed out a great woman" but instead you feel the need to bash them both and wonder what magical quality she has that you do not while going repeatedly on his social media hoping that something " bad happens". You are not in a healthy place. For your own sake, please seek counseling. In the meantime, block him NOW. Stop wasting time wondering. It's over. You need to accept that and move on. Do not waste one more minute of your precious life worrying about someone who ultimately didn't care that much about you. I know it sucks, but you have to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with positive people and instead of looking him up and fretting over whether or not he's happy- be more concerned with whether or not what you're doing is making YOU happy. All the best to you.

I know everyone is saying forget about it...but maybe as a parting gift you let the ex know that he was dating you the whole time while he was laying in bed with her for those 5 months. It's very possible she didn't know you were dating for that long, and he told her you were a friend or you weren't seeing each other anymore. That might give you some closure.

I know everyone is saying forget about it...but maybe as a parting gift you let the ex know that he was dating you the whole time while he was laying in bed with her for those 5 months. It's very possible she didn't know you were dating for that long, and he told her you were a friend or you weren't seeing each other anymore. That might give you some closure.

I disagree. I see this purely as a revenge move that changes nothing and only serves to make the OP more obsessed with this guy and trying to see "the results" and "fallout" of this on social media. It doesn't matter anymore. I get the temptation. I sometimes wonder what lies about me my ex-husband may have told his current wife. But it doesn't matter, because it ultimately doesn't change a thing of how OUR marriage went down. IMVHO, the OP needs a clean break. This action would only serve to prolong her pain.

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I should have mentioned that part of the cheating being exposed was that I contacted the ex to get answers and she is the one who told me the truth. When I confronted him with the information, he confirmed it. They were not dating, they had been broken up for 6 months before meeting me. She did know about me, but he had told her that I was "nothing serious" (he was telling me the opposite, that he wanted his future with me) so she saw nothing wrong with it while it was going on. I know my view on the situation is not healthy- I have tried to self-rationalize, went NC, and there are times where I feel self empowered and know my worth, but then there are times when I see pictures of them together that I feel knocked down. My head knows that its not about me nor her, but it has been hard to not take it personally. I keep telling myself to "just stop already". More self love, less comparing, reminding myself it does not matter. Thank you everyone xo.

Just block them both on your social media and go on a social media vacation. No logging in, no looking. Every time you start thinking about it, literally start doing something else even if it's just a house chore. Exercise willpower over this. A cheater is not a prize you want in your life. I mean sometimes you just have to work hard on changing your thinking and keep working on it until it sticks and becomes a permanent part of you. Everything you knew about him was a lie, your relationship was a lie. Keep reminding yourself of that. A lot of what you miss and are having a hard time letting go is basically a fantasy of what could have been.....except he was nothing like what you thought. It's a difficult pill to swallow and it does take time. However, the less you focus on the "good" and the more you focus on the fact that you simply got rid of a cheater, the easier it will get to move on. There is no happily ever after with a cheater. He'll keep cheating and lying and......well....that's not your problem anymore. Something to be grateful about really.

It's totally normal to feel bad for a very long time after finding out you were cheated on and that a relationship was not how it seemed. Your brain logically understands that you "should" be over it, because the guy was an a-hole, but your emotions will take a some time to catch up.

As others have suggested, make the tough call to block him and take a break from social media altogether. The images you see aren't reflective of his real life in it's fullness. Everybody shares their highlights and if someone does post a photo of themselves crying in bed, well... it is seen as pretty weird. Again, you logically understand that his life isn't perfect and that he experiences a full range of emotions (at least to some degree) but emotionally it's difficult to feel that way when you feed yourself biased material every day.

Don't judge yourself for needing time to heal. It's okay to feel vulnerable and frustrated sometimes, even though it's uncomfortable. Oh, and don't speak to him ever again. It is possible he will try to rope you in to cheat on another girl sometime in the future.

This is awful, disgusting, and despicable. There are no other words to describe this cheating bottom-of-the-shoe scum that he is. He wrapped you up in lies with a pretty bow, while he lied to her as well.

I’m so so SO sorry you are going through that, and I wish I could give you a hug.

Unfortunately, this will just take the time it takes, to heal.

I saw a meme that I wished I had followed years ago:

“Leave after the first lie”.

Your instincts were correct. Next time, you will be sharper and you’ll leave sooner. This piece of shyt lies straight to your face, but then spoke of future and how wonderful you were in the next moment, which threw you off. It would throw anyone off, so don’t beat yourself up over that.

Just know that your instincts were spot on. You can move on, knowing that you won’t have to spend a lifetime of looking over your shoulder.

She DID win! She won a lying piece of SHYT!! Good for her!

And you won the freedom to find a nice, honest guy. They’re out there.

There is no “Get over it” advice that makes sense. This will just take time. Cry, kick, scream, and cry some more. This sucks, and I’m sorry.

Your ego is just bruised. Let it go. Dwelling and ruminating on the injustices of it and becoming bitter over it just sinks you down to his level. It's not worth it. Every person who lets you go or whom you let go puts you one step closer to finding your real path in life and a better man for you. This is just a tiny pebble on a beach. He's nothing but a pea-sized bump in the road. Move on.

Maybe her ego is bruised...maybe she was just in love?

We all love differently, and when someone is going back and forth...giving enough to lead someone on, but not fully investing...it can wreck havoc on someone.

Good luck on the healing process. :-(

Now, 7 months after the discovery, he is back together with her and has since told me that he no longer wants anything to do with me.

Why would you still be in contact with him 7 months after the discovery? Questioning 'normalcy' starts there, because sticking around anyone who's still messing with an ex is beyond a 'red flag,' it's a giant neon sign for any healthy person. It's got a skull and crossbones on it and it says, "Run away!"

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still in contact with an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You've learned WHY, but it's not just about his disloyalty. It's about your gut feeling that made you miserable the whole time--that's no way to live. It told you something important, but you didn't heed it--you stayed involved with the guy. That's no way to respect yourself, and no lover will respect someone who doesn't respect herself.

Next time you meet anyone who's still involved with an ex, tell him that you adore him and can picture the two of you dating in the future, and that's why you're walking away while you both still think highly of one another. He can take all the time he needs to finish his old business, and if he ever finds himself completely over, free and clear of all exes, and he's completely our of contact with any of them, he can let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you'll meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you wish him the best--and move FORward.

Any guy worth keeping will have no trouble catching up to you AFTER he finishes old business. Otherwise, you're involving yourself in someone else's breakup, regardless of how long he 'says' they've been apart. Nobody who is still in contact with an ex is dating material, much less relationship material.

Head high, and consider hiring a therapist to help you move beyond this. We all make mistakes in dating--so the choice you'll need to make is whether to use the experience to gain clarity about your value and confidence that you will never compromise your value for anyone else again, or whether you'll use the experience to damage yourself and squelch your future enjoyment of learning how to date and love again.

It's a decision.