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Thread: Ask for clarification or let sleeping dogs lie?

  1. #1
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    Ask for clarification or let sleeping dogs lie?

    I met a girl on bumble and we went on a great first date last friday. Got drinks and then I went back to her place afterwards and we had sex. She texted me that night saying she had a great time and then the next morning saying that she would really love to see me again soon and asked if I was on the same page and I told her I was. Before we met for the first time, she had asked me over text what i was looking for. I told her nothing serious at the moment but that i'm not opposed to something if it happens. She said she was the same and that she wasn't neccesarily jusdt looking for hook ups but to also hang out with someone and have fun, etc.

    So anyway, we met up again on wednesday, made cookies and watched a movie together. Again, we had a great time and we have really good chemistry and before the date, she had told me she was really excited to see me again.

    We texted a bit the next day and since friday and throughout the weekend, her responses have really slowed down and she doesn't seem as enthusiastic. I know she had a final yesterday and a last one tomorrow so I understand if she is busy studying. There just seems to be a shift in her responses to me and feels like she has lost interest since before we met up, she was also fairly busy with school stuff.

    I texted her today, asking how her exam was. She responded by saying that it was actually better than she thought and that she only has one left tomorrow. i responded by saying that a celebration is in order after her last one and I haven't received a response from her.

    When we were together, she mentioned that her last final was the easiest and that she wasn't even going to study for it. Perhaps she was just saying this at the time and that she actually is studying, i'm not dismissing that fact.

    I feel like me and her have really good chemistry so if I don't hear from her for a couple days, should I text her asking her what changed and if I did something that made us both not on the same page anymore? Or should I just let it be and let it go? I'm not ignoring the fact that she may have met someone else online but I'm just looking for advice on whether it would even be wise to ask for more clarification if she starts showing more disinterest?

  2. #2
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    Leave it be. If she really likes you, she'll stay in touch and see you again.
    Maybe she's really distracted during finals week. Or maybe you're right and she did find someone else. In either of those scenarios, you'd be best of leaving her alone...at least for the time being.

  3. #3
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    No, no, NO! Do NOT send the needy clingy insecure "Are we ok??? Did I do something??? Do you want to stop seeing me???" text! Talk about an attraction killer.

    Maybe she is spending time with friends celebrating the end of finals. I'm sure she has some school friends who would all be relieved that finals are ending.

  4. #4
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    I think it's easy to feel lots of chemistry and sexual chemistry when you first meet someone and many people after one date (meaning you met her once then had one actual date you planned) change their minds or perhaps meet someone they like better. I wouldn't bother her at all or ask for "clarification" - it's clear that if a person wants to see you again that person will make a plan to see you again . So if she wants to see you again she'll let you know. Silence = disinterest - that's your clarification. She might change her mind again but right now if she's not making a plan assume it's because she doesn't want to. It sounds like you got your hopes up based on a fun and exciting first meet and you chose to have sex right away -sometimes that can lead to unrealistic attachments. I'm sorry if you're disappointed right now and assume if she's interested she'll be back in touch.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What everyone else is saying.

    You’ve told her you’d like to hang again. If she’s into hanging again, she’ll let you know.

    And, who knows, maybe what this is showing you is that you’re maybe more into something “serious” than you thought. Doesn’t mean you answer the “what are you looking for?” question with a monologue about marriage and partnership, but putting it out there more directly that you’re seeking to find a genuine connection and see where it can go. You might not get laid as quickly, but you might find yourself discovering another kind of heat.

    “Nothing serious,” after all, translates to DTF, regardless of whatever caveats are attached. No judgement there, but you’re kind of putting it out there—first in words, then in actions—that you’re pretty cool with a quick fling, even if it goes cold quick.

  7. #6
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    Different take.

    You told her you didn't want anything serious (translation: no relationship); it's possible she is beginning to really like you, getting too attached, so is pulling back before she starts feeling too serious and gets her heart broken by a man who told her that's not what he's looking for right now.

    Just another possibility to consider.

    I am actually wondering myself since you don't want anything serious, then what's the problem?

    Why this sudden need to find out "what's going on"?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I wouldn't advise you asking for clarification but I would suggest that you ask her out on a specific day and time and if she ignores you or declines but doesn't suggest another date/time, that will clarify all you need to know...

    Don't ask to hang out at hers or yours... ask her out proper.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Different take.

    You told her you didn't want anything serious (translation: no relationship); it's possible she is beginning to really like you, getting too attached, so is pulling back before she starts feeling too serious and gets her heart broken by a man who told her that's not what he's looking for right now.

    Just another possibility to consider.

    I am actually wondering myself since you don't want anything serious, then what's the problem?

    Why this sudden need to find out "what's going on"?
    I guess I wasn’t clear with what I’m after - I’m interested in continuing to hook up with her, like a FWB kind of situation.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I wouldn't advise you asking for clarification but I would suggest that you ask her out on a specific day and time and if she ignores you or declines but doesn't suggest another date/time, that will clarify all you need to know...

    Don't ask to hang out at hers or yours... ask her out proper.
    After our first date, I asked her to hang out that Sunday but she had to prepare for a presentation so she suggested Wednesday.

    My last message to her was today about how a celebration is in order after she finishes her exams, but still no response so I’m just going to leave it at that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    For someone who just wants to hook up in a FWB situation you're awfully thrown by a few hours of texting silence. If that's all you want—from her, in general—it's all good. But you've got to develop that little mechanism that just goes: whatever—it comes, it goes, doesn't much matter either way.

    Which brings me back to my original post.

    It's all good—great even—to want more than chill and casual. But to get it you have to own it.

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