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Thread: Boyfriend Searching Escorts

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If he's super sexual as you say and actively participates kinky sex with you and watches porn, how is it you can attempt to justify that looking at escort websites is only as far as it goes?

    Wouldn't it be similar to eating cake anytime they want, but getting something out of just looking at the box of cake mix it came in?

    Someone I worked with went through the same thing and much like you, didn't want to believe what in the end was true. She has life long STD to show for it. She was depressed, lost her job due to her taking time off because she had a hard time coming to terms with the truth.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I, too agree that often the most simplest explanation is the right one. If he's looking through websites for hookers, he's no doubt engaging in that kind of activity.

    Will he admit to it? Do most men? I think if nothing they'd rather save face and not admit to such an act. I do think the majority don't go to hookers but there are a few who do and I doubt they would be readily to admit it to anyone.

    If you know he's very sexual, why would this be a big surprise? That's the bad part of most people (maybe not all) but most who are highly sexual...regular sex and one partner won't be enough for them.

    I know you think you will "wear him out" but I think the way his mind works, he will never be satisfied with one woman.

    I also think the sooner you come to terms with that, the better.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you seem to encourage, fully embrace and apparently find it sexually stimulating that he is "on the edge" sexually. There doesn't seem to be a problem here because your "kink" is playing cat and mouse games with his sexual promiscuity/fantasies. He's the bad little boy and you "caught" him (even though you know how he is). Additionally none of this info is new since you have confided your sexual fantasies in each other for years.
    Originally Posted by L0stInSpac3
    does anyone believe that it’s part of his kink? He’s very cerebral sexually, a mere image or an idea can stirr a tremendous amount of imagination in him. Also our careers are quite dangerous, on the edge kind of work, both of us are adrenaline seekers which is why we work in the are we do. I’d be curious if anyone here thought that on the edge thrill, “I could get a hooker if I wanted” would be enough to get him where he needs to go go get off, as opposed to the easy explanation “if he’s shopping, he’s buying.”

  4. #14
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    So I’ve been giving this a very hard think. I am going to confront him about my findings as soon as we get done with some work related travel. I’m going to keep myself physically “safe” during this time. I really need the money and have to finish this trip.

    Does anyone have any thoughts on how best to bring this issue up? I’m not an angry type, so my thoughts were to calmly ask him how long this has been going on for him.

    My best friend is a psychologist and she feels he’s an addict... or just a complete moron... either way I have to address this.

    If he admits guilt and wants to work on himself does anyone here feel that would be worth the effort? Part of me would be willing to work with him on his issues, another part of me thinks I should just cut my losses and find a guy who’s going to be more faithful.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What is the "issue," exactly, that you want to bring up? I ask that genuinely.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by L0stInSpac3


    If he admits guilt and wants to work on himself does anyone here feel that would be worth the effort? Part of me would be willing to work with him on his issues, another part of me thinks I should just cut my losses and find a guy who’s going to be more faithful.
    You are only 5 months in you can't `work with him' on his addiction. Only he can resolve his addictions and hopefully with professional help.
    Even at best this will be life long challenge and isn't overcome easily. Even the most dedicated would invest years of work to begin to change this.

    His addiction is a symptom of something larger. There is no way to know what that is and acknowledging that he might have problem is only the start and not even a guarantee of success.

    I say cut your losses now. That and listen to your friend.
    Find yourself a healthy, available partner and believe you are deserving of one.

    Came back to add that you need to really rethink why you chose the words `someone more faithful' . . as if that's even negotiable.
    think about it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by L0stInSpac3

    If he admits guilt and wants to work on himself does anyone here feel that would be worth the effort? Part of me would be willing to work with him on his issues, another part of me thinks I should just cut my losses and find a guy who’s going to be more faithful.
    You have a history of being with someone that couldn't maintain monogamy. Do you enjoy the emotional tight rope these types of men keep you on? (not asked in malice).

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You are only 5 months in you can't `work with him' on his addiction. Only he can resolve his addictions and hopefully with professional help.
    Even at best this will be life long challenge and isn't overcome easily. Even the most dedicated would invest years of work to begin to change this.

    His addiction is a symptom of something larger. There is no way to know what that is and acknowledging that he might have problem is only the start and not even a guarantee of success.

    I say cut your losses now. That and listen to your friend.
    Find yourself a healthy, available partner and believe you are deserving of one.

    Came back to add that you need to really rethink why you chose the words `someone more faithful' . . as if that's even negotiable.
    think about it.
    100% agree. This is why he is a 50 something man that isn't happily married. This was a problem way long before you came onto the scene. I don't believe it's repairable to be quite honest.
    I agree with your friend, it does sound like an addiction and with any addict he will hide it and lie and the more you tell him no, the more appealing it will look.
    Addicts only stop when they want to. He doesn't want to. He is happy to see these escorts and go to massage parlours etc.
    You can't change that about him now, it's too late in the game.

    At 5 months in, I would say let it go. You will save yourself a lot of heartache down the road trying to force change to someone who does not want this change.
    Worst case scenario, he tells you what he thinks you want to hear but hide his addiction better from you.

    You don't want to live in threat like that constantly, no one would want to.

  10. #19
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    Hello everyone! Well I have an update since my last post. I wasn’t able to hold back and I eventually revealed to him what I found, which resulted in a huge fight. I didn’t expect anything less, but it nearly broke the relationship. In fact we did break up for about an hour.

    What I did find before my big reveal was that he did see escorts (massage providers to be exact) but not for full service—it was for “bondassage” (kinky massages basically). I found old messages from years prior to me detailing the transaction and the nature of his visit to this provider. Furthermore, I found no gps evidence he had gone anywhere to see more providers while with me, and he’s not done any more searches for escorts. The reason for me telling him was I basically couldn’t keep the secret anymore and he was on some rant (some things directed at me, but it was mostly in relation to his floundering career) that I found insulting. I just couldn’t hold it in and had a huge amount of “f*ck this!!” In my system:

    In short, I...
    1) told him what I knew
    2) had proof of his searches
    3) and that I was angry he lied to me, specifically after I’ve flat out asked him about him ever seeing any kind of provider

    Then set forth verbal arguments and I decided I was going to leave. I was part of the way packed happily ready to drive away and never speak to him again was when he asked me to stay. He agreed to see a therapist with me, he said he wants to work through this. I’ve never had a man hug me so tight after that fight, including through the night for days. He knew I was ok leaving him and apparently, there’s remorse there.

    Fast forward, I’m still in this relationship—it’s gone the best it’s ever gone. He’s less critical of himself and me, and his daughter. He seems happier. We talk more openly about our sexual desires, even more than before which was pretty open, but he’s much more transparent. He barely looks at porn anymore (it’s far less habitual), and is putting more energy into his hobbies. He’s let me go through his phone, we’ve done it together at times, he doesn’t hide things. He calls me constantly while traveling, and has kept his gps on everywhere, reminding me if I ever need to reach him I can look where he is and call him.

    We have therapy scheduled with a couples specialist, who has a strong background in the gottman method, and helps couples deal with trouble such as infidelity, addiction, etc.

    I’m still aware, not putting my head in the sand, but I’m willing to see how this works out. He’s been my friend for 8 years, a lover for almost a year... If it fails, nobody can say I didn’t try to make it work. Nobody can say I wasn’t tolerant. If he messes up, I’ll likely notice now that I really know what to look for. I feel very confident in myself right now, I have my power back, and would have no issues walking away if he fails. I hope he doesn’t, but only time will tell.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Good luck. Remember, we'll be here for you to vent if need be.

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