“Mothering”

So,

To start, I want to be a better mother. There are some things I’ve done that I’m not proud of and some incidents that have taken place in front of my daughter that I wish never had (arguing and fighting with her father, etc). I curse a lot and yell and sometimes I feel I am unclean as it relates to a household and how a woman should manage it. We don’t live in filth but I am a bit unorganized. Quite a bit.

I didn’t have structure growing up. My mom was on drugs and I didn’t meet my father until 19. And I’m not making excuses, but sometimes I wonder if there is anything that I missed that I should’ve learned so that I could be a better example to my daughter.

I see so many great examples of women and I’m like, why am I not naturally like that. Why do I have to seek help to figure out how to be a mother?

What can I do to be the best example of a mother and woman to her and any other child that could possibly look up to me?

One thing at a time.

Do you work?

One thing at a time.

 

Do you work?

I work full time for the government and I also do hair.

You know what you need to do. You have already mentioned what needs to change.

I think you need to forget about the past and concentrate on the future.

As far as the house goes, take one room at a time and tidy it up. Make an effort to not argue in front of your child. If you have an issue with your husband, discuss it in private.

Fine yourself $5 every time you curse.

Don't think you can change everything overnight. take it one step at a time.

Have you tried parenting classes?

I'm a mother and I can somewhat relate. I too hail from a dysfunctional, mentally abusive childhood, my late father was a wife beater, my mother worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to put food on the table for her 3 children during their divorce, I was a latchkey kid, my beginnings were miserable and hopeless.

Until my mother retired, we've always had a incompatible mother-daughter relationship. She's a heck of a lot better to get along with now that she had finally happily retired. I love her dearly and our relationship is smooth-sailing thanks to her current better station in life. Her childhood was a horror story but she is at peace now that she is financially set for life. She paid her dues and it was a very, very, very, very long, turbulent road to arrive at this point. She is finally living her 'happily ever after' as she rides off into the sunset. I couldn't be more proud of her and I'm relieved because we now have a very long mother-daughter relationship after patiently waiting a lifetime for it. Struggle and hardship was hellacious.

My husband came from a very normal, loving, nurturing family life. His parents have been married forever and they've enjoyed a very comfortable, affluent lifestyle. MIL (mother-in-law) was fortunate, SAHM (stay at home mom) and FIL (father-in-law) was a great provider with a high income. Naturally since my husband grew up observing how his father always treated his mother with utmost respect and love, my husband followed suit.

His family was my example. I emulated MIL. Also, I wanted to be the type of mother I never had growing up. I went in the opposite direction with child rearing.

I recommend you do the same. Be the type of mother you would've wanted as a child. Be soft spoken, don't contribute to 'air pollution' by spewing foul language, exercise self-control, become selfless because this is what motherhood is. It's not all about you anymore. You have to set a fine example for your children because they are little versions of you. You want to raise great children and it starts with you. It starts with love and with love is respectful behavior which is conscientious behavior 24 / 7. Tell them how proud you are of them, tell them you love them to bits, tenderly tend to them the way you would've wished during your upbringing.

I agree with others, take baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day. I pray a lot for strength and wisdom. Perhaps you can try that, too.

As for your household, declutter constantly so junk doesn't pile up. Tackle everyday cleaning to prevent out-of-control overwhelming clutter and dust.

Put your cell phone away, get off the Internet and turn all electronics OFF as they are nothing but a time trap.

When you are decluttered, organized and clean so you can finally think straight. People can't think clearly by living in a constant state of chaos and havoc. Don't hoard. Your mind becomes cluttered, unclean, there's lack of self-control and nothing but a hot mess just like your home.

Set goals for yourself and be realistic. Don't tackle everything all at once otherwise you'll burnout and dirty messes and clutter start to pile up all over again.

Be a better mother by being the type of mother you would've wanted and do it for your children. They're listening, observing how you run your household and you don't want them to growing up as foul-mouthed, disrespectful, belligerent, unattractive slobs. You don't want people to avoid them. Think of their future and how you are an instrumental influence to their mental and physical health. Break the vicious cycle because it starts with you.

I think it’s our job as parents no matter what to strive to do better and to act on it whether in small or large ways. And it’s also our job not to beat ourselves up and not to compare with other parents especially what you see on social media. So I would focus on time with your daughter and not decluttering. Or have her help you declutter- make it a game. Or hire someone. I highly recommend Janet Lansbury’s podcast and web site. Honestly I’ve only listened to the podcast briefly once but have read many of her articles and have so much respect for her parenting advice. Also watch old supernanny episodes on YouTube for good tips on how to coparent with your husband etc. good luck !!(I am married with a ten year old son)

Watch Marie Kondo on Netflix or stream it. She's a professional organizer. She makes things so relateable, two hoarders I personally have been able to address their home! She has tons of great tips you can start doing yourself right away.

What age is daughter, and what age are you?

I commend you!! for reaching out and wanting to be a better parent. That says a lot about you as a person.

A book that really helped me up when my children were growing up is called the power of the praying parent by stormie omartian. It helped me fall asleep many nights when I couldn’t fall asleep on my own.

I think you need to forget about the past and concentrate on the future.

 

As far as the house goes, take one room at a time and tidy it up. Make an effort to not argue in front of your child. If you have an issue with your husband, discuss it in private.

 

Fine yourself $5 every time you curse.

 

Don't think you can change everything overnight. take it one step at a time.

I agree, thank you so much! [emoji1488]❤️

I'm a mother and I can somewhat relate. I too hail from a dysfunctional, mentally abusive childhood, my late father was a wife beater, my mother worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to put food on the table for her 3 children during their divorce, I was a latchkey kid, my beginnings were miserable and hopeless.

 

Until my mother retired, we've always had a incompatible mother-daughter relationship. She's a heck of a lot better to get along with now that she had finally happily retired. I love her dearly and our relationship is smooth-sailing thanks to her current better station in life. Her childhood was a horror story but she is at peace now that she is financially set for life. She paid her dues and it was a very, very, very, very long, turbulent road to arrive at this point. She is finally living her 'happily ever after' as she rides off into the sunset. I couldn't be more proud of her and I'm relieved because we now have a very long mother-daughter relationship after patiently waiting a lifetime for it. Struggle and hardship was hellacious.

 

My husband came from a very normal, loving, nurturing family life. His parents have been married forever and they've enjoyed a very comfortable, affluent lifestyle. MIL (mother-in-law) was fortunate, SAHM (stay at home mom) and FIL (father-in-law) was a great provider with a high income. Naturally since my husband grew up observing how his father always treated his mother with utmost respect and love, my husband followed suit.

 

His family was my example. I emulated MIL. Also, I wanted to be the type of mother I never had growing up. I went in the opposite direction with child rearing.

 

I recommend you do the same. Be the type of mother you would've wanted as a child. Be soft spoken, don't contribute to 'air pollution' by spewing foul language, exercise self-control, become selfless because this is what motherhood is. It's not all about you anymore. You have to set a fine example for your children because they are little versions of you. You want to raise great children and it starts with you. It starts with love and with love is respectful behavior which is conscientious behavior 24 / 7. Tell them how proud you are of them, tell them you love them to bits, tenderly tend to them the way you would've wished during your upbringing.

 

I agree with others, take baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day. I pray a lot for strength and wisdom. Perhaps you can try that, too.

 

As for your household, declutter constantly so junk doesn't pile up. Tackle everyday cleaning to prevent out-of-control overwhelming clutter and dust.

 

Put your cell phone away, get off the Internet and turn all electronics OFF as they are nothing but a time trap.

 

When you are decluttered, organized and clean so you can finally think straight. People can't think clearly by living in a constant state of chaos and havoc. Don't hoard. Your mind becomes cluttered, unclean, there's lack of self-control and nothing but a hot mess just like your home.

 

Set goals for yourself and be realistic. Don't tackle everything all at once otherwise you'll burnout and dirty messes and clutter start to pile up all over again.

 

Be a better mother by being the type of mother you would've wanted and do it for your children. They're listening, observing how you run your household and you don't want them to growing up as foul-mouthed, disrespectful, belligerent, unattractive slobs. You don't want people to avoid them. Think of their future and how you are an instrumental influence to their mental and physical health. Break the vicious cycle because it starts with you.

Thank you for your kind, and honest words! Truly, I’m grateful for you sharing this information and I will definitely begin slowly in striving to do better.

I think it’s our job as parents no matter what to strive to do better and to act on it whether in small or large ways. And it’s also our job not to beat ourselves up and not to compare with other parents especially what you see on social media. So I would focus on time with your daughter and not decluttering. Or have her help you declutter- make it a game. Or hire someone. I highly recommend Janet Lansbury’s podcast and web site. Honestly I’ve only listened to the podcast briefly once but have read many of her articles and have so much respect for her parenting advice. Also watch old supernanny episodes on YouTube for good tips on how to coparent with your husband etc. good luck !!(I am married with a ten year old son)

Thanks so much!

What age is daughter, and what age are you?

She’s 7, and I’m. 27.

I commend you!! for reaching out and wanting to be a better parent. That says a lot about you as a person.

 

A book that really helped me up when my children were growing up is called the power of the praying parent by stormie omartian. It helped me fall asleep many nights when I couldn’t fall asleep on my own.

Beautifully spoken, thank you. I’m googling the book now .

She’s 7, and I’m. 27.

That's great, she's at the perfect age to help you. Consider taking her for a walk or out to a nice meal, and tell her you're making it a goal to become the best Mom you can be for her, and ask for her suggestions. She'll perk right up to that. One of your tasks can be to clean up your language, so ask daughter to call you on it any time you use a bad word. Every time she catches the slip, you owe her 5 bucks on the spot. No IOU's.

Allow daughter to tell you all the things she'd like to see you do--or not do. It will be uncomfortable, but a great learning experience about daughter's perceptions. Some things you can agree to right away, and other things you may need to tell her you'll think about.

Put this in place for a month or two, then meet again with daughter for a progress report. Tell her this is becoming a great experience for you. It's a model for showing daughter how loved ones can cooperate and be accountable to one another, and it might inspire her to want to try out best practices for being a great daughter for you, too. (Well, one can always hope.)

You can do this forlofeluv. Be a good (great) mother. Your daughter is only 7 years and you are young at age 27. Right now is a crucial stage of her development. Your daughter is your future and how you will be determined to raise a fine lady. Let that be your new focus and goal.

Provide a clean, decluttered home, get your mind and home organized and you can think with more clarity. Exercise self-control with your mouth and it starts with changing the way you think. No amount of self-control can control the mouth if the mind and heart isn't clean and pure. If you're the type who prays, pray for wisdom, strength and clarity. You will get it if you pray for it.

Change your trajectory with your attitude and behavior. When you change, you release shackles in your brain and no longer a prisoner to your old habits, old ways and old, foul language. Learn to forgive yourself, trust yourself into the power of positive thinking and change for yourself and your daughter because you love and care for her immeasurably.

It starts with an attitude and behavior change and everything else will follow.

Go in the opposite direction of your childhood and upbringing just like I did. Break the vicious cycle and make a difference. Be tender, kind, selfless, loving, soft spoken, empathetic and to err on the side of caution, at times it's better to talk less. Listen more. Listen to your daughter.

Just do it. Then it becomes a daily, permanent habit for life. Blessings to you always.